I teach middle school kids. This level of education is filled with nothing but adolecents. They are the left-overs, the socially awkward, the insecure...why?...because they are in the middle. They do not belong anywhere. They are not old enough to drive and have jobs...and therefore are limited to what their parents will allow. At the same time, they are also charged full of hormones fierce enough to take down Jerry Springer...which doesn't exactly categorize them as the sweet angels everyone smiles at in elementary school. No, they are in between. Ages 11-15 just doesn't fit. Several of their bodies aren't big enough to fit in junior sizes at department stores. And, some of them are now old enough to care for their 4 younger siblings at home alone after school. I personally know girls young enough to wear Hannah Montannah t-shirts with Tinkerbell backpacks during the week...and those same girls will argue with you how they are mature enough to be having sex on the weekends.I remember my 6th grade year. I remember never feeling sure about anything and needing affirmation for everything. Was I too old to be playing with my dolls? Was I too young to go to the mall by myself? Was I too old for my Little Pony sleeping bag? Was I too young to be going to school dances? All of the decision making on top of all the brand new menstrual cycles, kinky hair, braces, and pimples! Just when you think it's too much to handle...you enter 9th grade and things begin to smooth out a bit.
Being 26, and single, I've found something I believe I have named, "Adult Puberty". I've had three best friends have babies in the last year. Naturally, my thoughts drifted to the babies I hope to have myself someday...which is when I found my terrible phase of adult puberty. I don't really belong anywhere and I don't really fit. I feel socially awkward in various situations and I tend to come up short when daily questions surface. Am I too unsettled to buy a house? Am I too old for a roomate? Am I past the point of getting tattoos? What will I name my babies? What if I never get married? Can my body still metabolize Frosted Flakes? Is their an age limit for facebook/myspace? Is it time to quit browsing inside Forever 21? How does my 401k work? Is it normal to still want my mom when I'm sick? Is it too late to go back to school? How many careers will I have in my lifetime? Should I give up on the smaller size of jeans thats been hanging in my closet for over 1 year?
It's just tough sometimes you know? And, as badly as I want to be married...I wonder if I'm still too selfish for such an act. I've progressively begun to think of myself more than others for several years now...to the point that I'm really disgusted at how much time/$/effort I put into perfecting me.
During some time in the bathroom today, I stumbled upon Shasta's copy of this month's Relevant magazine. There was an article in there interviewing a band called "MeWithoutYou". I haven't much gotten into this particular band's music...but I have heard a lot about the type of guys that make up their members...and that's been enough to perk up my ears. In the article, Aaron Weiss refers to Matt.25:40 and says, "It frightens me that when we pass by somebody who is in need, someone who is hungry, someone who is poor, we are passing by Jesus. It is really hard to face the reality of that, and I am constantly failing in the things I could be doing. I fail to take the time, and I so often decide to do something for myself rather than give to someone else."
Well said Aaron. Amen. I don't like the person I am now. Insecure, self-absorbed, attention-needy. Why?...because I'm in the middle, and I throw pity-parties for myself, and THAT's the root of the problem. I think too much about myself. I don't want to be THAT girl. I do not wish to continue growing in that direction. I don't want to hide all my savings in storehouses...I want to pick up the tab and not worry about $, or fairness, or whose turn it is. I don't want to only meet the minimum requirement needs of my job description...I want to go ahead and sweep the gym so that someone else won't have to. I don't want to be irritated by every annoying person that comes my way...I want to make myself find that connection with each individual, because it's there. I don't want to eat more food than I need, or have more clothes than I can wear...because I don't want to be wasteful. I want to volunteer to drive, (not grudgingly) when needed...because God has more than enough money and gas to cover it. I want to make gifts for my family/friends at Christmas this year...because that would honor them more than going into debt for unnecessary items. I don't want to ignore homeless people outside my car window when I pull up to a stoplight...because druggie-schizophrenic or not, that's a human being who once had a mom, and a teacher, and a home. Teaching has made me think a lot about that because school is mandatory here in America. Which means, every crack addict, prostitute, politician was, at some point probably...in a middle school classroom, learning from their teacher who had no idea what direction they would grow up in. I want to consider others better than myself. I need You to come through for me Lord. Be Thou my vision, and stop me from wasting my life focused on the most boring book in the world...Me.
