"...and the truth shall set you free."--John 8
I feel like it has been a long time since I was 100% honest with myself and everyone around me. Now certainly there is a time for biting your tongue, there is a time to keep your opinion to yourself, a time to leave out information for the sake of arguement, a time to suppress your selfish side and stay out late to witness someone else's shining moment even though you are so tired that your eyes begin to shut whilst you walk... and, if i told my mom all the crazy stuff i end up doing BEFORE it happens, it would just produce unneccessary worry. So I just update her afterwards :)
However, I feel like lately God has been showing me how much freedom, how much relief, how huge of a weight can be lifted when I am completely honest with everyone around me...and also, to myself. I feel like I have been guilty of actually lying to my own self. Making myself believe there are things that I need to acquire in order to be cool, ways in which i need to act in order to make everyone else happy, decisions i need to make in order to keep whatever perception there is of me. Let me tell you, holding this kind of lifestyle is exhausting. Living in constant preparation for the future is exhausting. And, most of the time, plans change as well as outcomes and there you find that you've spent all this time and energy building one castle that no longer applies and will remain empty.
On my 18th birthday I got my first tattoo. I had it all planned out to spend the night at Arrie's house so I could hide the evidence while it healed, and make it my life's mission for my mother to never see my back again. I went to sleep that night planning this big elaborate plot in my head to protect my mothers eyes from seeing the damage her babygirl had done to her own back!...But I can't lie to my mom. I went home at 7am the next morning and showed her as soon as she woke up. She was disappointed, but she didn't love me any less.
I feel like that was a pretty big lesson for me. My sinful, evil nature plotted a lie in my heart, building walls and defenses of stress...I chose the freedom of truth instead, accepting whatever terrible consequences awaited me, and there my mother loved me anyway. And I didnt have to carry around those big walls and defenses anymore. So it is with life. When I am dating someone, I need to make it known in order to avoid being pursued by others at that moment. When I am dating someone I need to committ to them and put all of my effort into it. Because then if all of those red flags are really a problem, they will surface that much faster than when I sit on the fence with my binoculars tryin to scope out those red flags in the distance.
You will love me. Whether my curtains match, or I have a masters degree, or Im dating the right person, or I show up to an event, or I dress poorly, You will love me. Whether I make a lot of money, or meet expectations, or adimently believe against the grain, You will love me. Whether I reach every kid, or meet quotas, or am late to work,or put my foot in my mouth, You will love me. Whether I mess up, make mistakes, or have to start over, You will love me. You will love me because You always have. You have always been patiently waiting for me and walking with me. You have given me every reason to trust You and believe You when I walk forward. And I can do that, I can trust You, because I love You too.
