A few weeks ago I was at dinner with a friend who reminded me of a blog I wrote a long time ago to the Man of My Dreams. I had begun writing an updated version of that letter to my "Dearest Hot guy that may or may not resemble Milo Ventimiglia...", in which I tried to be as witty as possible in begging the husband fairy for a man that's not a huge jerk. However, after some recent enlightenment...I did a rewrite.
You see, after almost a year without a date it would be easy to question my status on a scale of repulsiveness or something. It would be easy to cry, "Woe is me!" and spend the rest of my days wishing for a man who actually only exists in the realms of unicorns and hobbits. But then I heard my preacher talk about idolatry and idols, and somewhere in the world a light bulb turned on.
I look at people in Haiti and think they are absolutely nuts for having a "Fish Temple". I look at the little offerings the Hindus in Bali place outside their stores for the money god and feel pity for them. So maybe we don't have a ton of physical alters in the U.S., but don't we have plenty of our own silly idols?? YES we do. We bow down to the god of materialism so that we can all have bigger, better, awesome houses to fill with useless trinkets. We treat children like they run this place while putting our elderly in homes to be out of the way. We revolve our worlds around money, competition, sex, and selfish ambition. How silly all of this must seem to God?
So my preacher gave a list of questions to help narrow whatever idols you have in your own life. I've included this list at the bottom of this blog if you're interested. And I have found my biggest idol. Probably around the time I was in third grade with super good looking Matt Carmel...I started building this alter to the god of relationships. I would watch a lot of romantic comedies, spend a lot of time day dreaming, and hang on every word of relationship stories my friends had...in order to build up this alter brick by brick. And now that I'm 29, what I have is this huge monster of a platform in which I want to put a man on to worship. It doesn't matter how many horror stories I hear of divorce, and fighting, and hard times...in my head I think if I could just find a great guy to marry me, then somehow he could save me. All my problems would be solved and I could live happily ever after. It's the missing piece in my life. It's almost like I'm looking for a man to rescue me from having to spend the rest of my existence steeped in independence. Doesn't this all sound ridiculous?
I've even give this as advice before..."The only way to get over someone is to move on to the next one...". But do you know why that's true? Because I can't stop idolizing Nick and take him down off my alter until I have a new idol to worship in his place. If I take him down, then there is mere empty space left...and empty space is an extremely lonely place to live. I have let the idea of a committed relationship consume me, and blind me, and manipulate me in a way I didn't see coming.
I never realized before now that I do this to MY self. I'm not the victim of relationships gone bad, that needs to be pitied and coddled. No, I've chosen to make the idea of a relationship the treasure of my world. But, the truth is, no man can save me. No job can save me. No pretty house can save me. Only Jesus can save me. I can not expect perfection in a man when I have none to offer myself. I have to stop creating this relationship in my mind that will turn my life into a movie. I realize I am no cupcake, so whoever does end up with me, IF I end up with anyone that is...well I have to understand there will be conflict and imperfections...and it might even lead to a new set of idols. Let's say I do marry a great guy...then I will want children...then I will want a great place to live...a great job...etc... It's the hamster wheel of trying to satisfy self that will never work.
And looky here what I just HAPPENED to be reading during our daily silent reading time at school...excerpts from The Reason for God...
No human relationship can bear this burden of godhood...If your partner is your "All" then any shortcoming in him becomes a major threat to you...What is it that we want to be rid of...our feeling of nothingness...to know our existence has not been in vain. We want redemption--nothing less. Needless to say, humans cannot give this. -Becker
If anything threatens your identity you will not just be anxious, but paralyzed with fear. If you lose your identity through the failings of someone else you will not just be resentful, but locked into bitterness. If you lose it through your own failings, you will hate or despise yourself as a failure as long as you live. Only if your identity is built on God and His love, says Kierkegaard, can you have a self that can venture anything, face anything. -Keller
It's nice to have some clarity. But now what to do with this new found knowledge? In discussion of all this revelation with a close friend, her answer was, "Now you pursue God, with everything you have". I'm not saying my days of being sad in my singleness are over...but at least now I can recognize that sadness for what it truly is, and place blame where it is deserved. I am also not saying that I don't want a man...because a man would be awesome...but now I can recognize that he will never be anything more than that...just a man. Hopefully he will also be my best friend and a father to our children...but with all of his faults and flaws included that were never meant to have the capacity to complete me the way that God is supposed to.
Fifteen questions on uncovering idolatry in your life
What are you most afraid of?
What do you long for most passionately?
Where do you run for comfort?
What do you complain about most?
What angers you most?
What makes you happiest?
How do you define yourself to people?
What has caused you to be angry with God?
What do you brag about?
What one thing do you want the most ?
What do you sacrifice for? (sacrifice = worship)
If you change one thing in your life, what would it be?
Who’s approval are you seeking?
What do you want to control or master?
What would your friends say you talk about most?
