(Wrote this last Tuesday and didn't post. I've since calmed down, but here are my feelings)
Went on a walk today. Just a short mile or so around my neighborhood. Not enough energy left to pump out a full on run. Had to walk. Had to take deep breaths, look around, and remind myself I am not my job. Went on a walk to clear my head. Went on a walk to look at the things God has made and remember I am not the sum of my failings and achievements at work.
To say that I hate my job is a severe understatement. I don't want to waste my breath on all the things wrong with this school. There are too many to pinpoint. Two weeks ago I was on the fence about leaving, because I hated to leave such a struggling community to fend for themselves when I have help to offer. My mind is no longer foggy. Yesterday I was yelled at, literally another human being raised their voice to me, because I was 10 minutes behind during my lesson. I'm not exaggerating. It's that simple. THAT was the miniscule cause for this person to be upset with me enough to flip their shit. I have never in my life been so belittled and berated at a job. All the while, I've clung to Perry in my mind. Reminding myself that I used to enjoy my job. Reminding myself that I USED to only take 3 days off per year because I didn't mind going to work. Perhaps I won't give up on teaching as a profession, but I might need a year off.
Rocky had a punching bag, the people at my job have me. If my job were a boyfriend this would be considered an extreme abusive relationship, but our lease isn't up until June so I have to stick it out until then. If I were one of those beaten dogs rescued by the ASPCA, my job would be the prick that traumatized this pup to the point that I can't even be talked to without peeing on myself. I MIGHT need some time away from teaching to lick my wounds. Or, its possible this trail is leading me elsewhere outside the classroom. I'm not saying I'll never teach again, I'm just saying I might need some distance to remember the world is good again.
