But it doesn't stop there with the ex's. I actually got a voicemail from one last weekend, and randomly saw a picture of another one at work today on a cell phone. Whats next?
Timing can mean a lot can't it? Timing matters a lot in sports. If the ball hits the mit one milisecond late it's safe, one milisecond early and its an out. I drive by wrecks on the highway and wonder what I would have seen if I have left school a half an hour earlier. If you bring chicken out of the oven too early or too late, then you've just got a pile of gross. "If I had known then what I know now"...then I wouldn't have had a chance to become the person I did from said experience.
Everything is made beautiful in it's time. I think it's neat that flowers can't be rushed to open. They open when God tells them to. This is going to sound strange, but I actually remember hearing some words of wisdom come from the mouth of Matthew McConaughey! He was in an interview and someone asked him if he was going to marry whatever girl he was seeing at the time. And, I remember him talking about timing. He said, "Its got to be the right person you know, at the right time. Sometimes you can have the right person, and be in the wrong time. Sometimes you can be all ready for a relationship, and be with the wrong person."
In my experience, I believe this to be true. If I look into my own inventory I can see truth in this. Who knows who reads this thing? So just know that I do not mean to stir anything up by writing this analysis...but rather, think my thoughts out through typing.
High School Sweetheart.
He was my first love. I was head over heels for him, but being in love was brand new for me. I hadn't known love before, and when you don't know what to expect, you can often take things for granted. Its kind of like if the first hotel you ever stayed in was the "W"...well then you might think thats just how all hotels are. I was so young...I was too young I think to know how to handle someone who knew me so well, and treated me so good. I let that slip through my fingers because I thought he'd always be around. And by the time I made up my mind...it was too late. Took me years to get over. He could have been the right person, but our timing was too early and he's married now...therefore God did not choose him for me.
President Emeritus.
He was such a surprise in college. I didn't think someone like him would ever be interested in someone like me. We took our time. We got to be really close friends before we made any declarations. And, when we finally did, it was easy! I didn't look at other guys, I didn't even think about it. He introduced me to reading, made me analyze my life more than I had before, he made me laugh like nobody else. I felt right at home with him. And then, something inexplicable happened in our relationship. To this day I still can't pinpoint it. He left town for Christmas, and came back acting different with me. I speculate it was the wedding he went to...my guess is that hit him. Though we had never mentioned any serious futures together, I think he got scared and wasn't ready for that possibility with me. Who knows? Maybe I'm way off. But he lost interest in me. I was the same person in the end that I was in the beginning, but he lost interest. 5 years later, when he wanted another chance...I wasn't in a place to deal with that. I had just started my new career, he had just left his. I couldn't tell if it was actually me he wanted or the comfort of familiarity. I was scared he would lose interest again, so I closed the door. He could have been the right man...but our timing was off, and I guess God did not choose him for me.
Mr.100%
There was a very short, but worth mentioning, stint with Mr.100%. This guy treated me well, bought me flowers, took me out, endless compliments. But it was all too fast for me. I was so used to growing a friendship for about a year before allowing a move to be made. And this guy was a 100%, all the time, about everything. I think that kind of passion is what drew me to him. I wanted to be around that kind of zeal, it was addicting, and at the same time, scary. He had a short temper that I had seen before growing up, and I felt like I had to decide on our first date if I wanted to marry him or something. The first time we were ever even alone together I remember getting in my car and him standing outside my window saying, "So, what do ya think?". About what? About us? My thoughts actually were, "I barely know you and i can't tell yet if you'll hurt me or love me". But instead I think I just winked and drove away. The timing could have been there, but there were too many red flags for me to sort through, and I felt rushed. And, for some reason, I never had a peaceful feeling about the idea of us. Sometimes I still find myself sitting on that same fence wondering if it could work or not. I can't explain it, but I do believe God created instinct and intuition that I can't ignore. Part of me wishes I had given that a real shot, and find out if my intuition held any truth.
Opposites Attract.
Well I've already blogged about the details of this one. We were only friends for quite a while, and then one day, my head just said, "Maybe?", and we tried it out. He was patient with me, and waited for me to exit my indecision. He was wonderful in a thousand ways. But we weren't right for each other. I think if we could both be hypothetically married in a fictional world for one year...we would both be able to see that. We want different things. And, how long can 2 people be together and want different things before one of them is forced to compromise? I didn't want to find out. I have to believe that God knows what He's doing. But I do miss this one most of all.
So, here I am single again. I think its safe to say I don't have a type. Most of these guys dont have anything in common, and honestly I'm not even sure they would be natural friends with each other. Do I miss them because I often feel alone, and the weight of my hopeless lovelife? Or do I actually miss them as individuals? I wonder, I judge myself, I criticize and analyze my actions to death sometimes. I'm well aware that I am no princess myself. I have my own faults and flaws that were no picnic for them. I made choices that lead to consequences. I made BIG mistakes. But, I also learned something from each of them about love, and life. I feel like I understand now, more than ever, what I want, and what I can offer.
I don't know that my Prince Charming even exists. And, most of the time I wonder if he already showed up, but I was to clutsy, naive, and self-absorbed to recognize him? I don't know that God will ever allow me to experience marriage...but I DO know that God's timing is not my timing, His ways are not my ways. I know that He is perfect, and amidst my worrisome mind, all my flaws, and terrible decision making...He chooses when each flower on Earth opens. Surely He can handle my love life.
