LIFE was a game I used to enjoy playing when I was a kid. With the simple spin of a wheel you could get married, lose your house, go bankrupt, have a kid, or win the lottery within a half hour. Now that I'm older, I don't have some wheel making fake life decisions for me. I have my grown-up mind to look to.
I've written to you before about Jon, he was "Mr.100%", the haunting "What If?" in my past. I've told you how I froze in fear when I saw him at Frankies last school year. We met a couple of times before my crazy summer gone, no biggie. Since August we have been seeing each other once every 2-3 weeks...and a little more frequent in recent months. He was willing to wipe the slate clean with me to see where this would lead, find out how would things be different this time around. He has the capacity to constantly make me feel special. He's knows exactly what to say, what to do, to make my life easier. He sent me flowers at work on the day of my first basketball game this year, because he knew it would be a long day for me, and remembered my affinity for lilies. He showed me his adventurous side by inviting me to the World Series in St.Louis...and like an idiot I turned him down out of fear. He knows me, and whether I realize at the time or not, he is usually forcing me to grow.
He makes me want to be an honest woman full of integrity, like Quaker kind of honest. He makes me face questions about my character that I've brushed aside for thirty years. His compliments are so constant that my low self-esteem seems to vanish around him. So what's the problem you ask? What in the world would keep THAT from working out? ...It's hard to pinpoint...even to myself.
I've been casually going with the flow this time around with this man. Never turning him down, but waving my cautious, snails-pace flag at the same time. I thought to myself, "If I can keep this extremely slow, then I can really get to know this guy before making any rash decisions that catapult me into another heart breaking episode like the last relationship". So I had a plan. A super slow plan. This should be a sure fire way to keep us from hurting each other. Slow and steady wins the race!
I remember freaking out when he asked me to go away to St.Louis for the weekend for the World Series. A weekend trip was NOT part of the super slow plan, and I was not ready for that level of quality time. So I bowed out. And you know what I remember? I remember asking him why he wasn't scared to jump into something like a weekend getaway together and he said, "No I'm not scared, because Carisse, whether we figure this out now, or later, we figure this out".
So how do you play the game of Life when you are my age? Taking things slow doesn't seem to work for me, throwing caution to the wind doesn't seem to work for me...being the leader, being the follower...nothing seems to fit and I find myself full of regret time and time again, "wishing I'd known then, what I know now".
Two weeks ago today he asked me where do I see "us" going? I didn't have an answer for him, and I held on to my precious pace for dear life. I truly wasn't sure if I could see myself marrying him up until a few days ago. I hadn't spent enough steady time with him. At this point, I feel like slow doesn't win. At this point, I feel like "figuring this out now" sounds a lot less stressful than figuring it out later. I wish I had gone to that World Series.
But we make our choices don't we? We set our expectations and we hold our ground. So when a man says to you that he can't continue this relationship because he is aware that he can't live up to the Spiritual leadership expected of him...what do you say to that? Do you respect his honesty, thank him for his integrity and move on? Do you compromise your dream because you like him so? Do you change your unicorn of an expectation that would be ridiculous to hold out for? Do you find yourself being the only common denominator in every single relationship that's "not right for you"? What's God doing here? What in the world is the plan? Because truthfully...and I'm being a thousand percent honest here...I would RATHER be single than have my heart broken ONE MORE time. I'd rather these guys just stay out of my path altogether rather than sweeping in like a tornado leaving a trail of destruction after only a little while.
I've been listening to old hymns in my car a lot thanks to the Cd's Emily made for me. I'll leave you with some verses that have been so important to me today. I hope you find the encouragement that I did in them.
This is my Father's world.
O let me never forget that though the wrong seems often so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!
I need thee every hour, in joy or pain;
come quickly and abide, or life is vain
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
