There is a huge zit just below my left nostril. Too much information? What if I told you it was slightly above uncomfortable and breaching painful? Does that make it sound more medical, and less gross? Well...either way, its the very least of my worries currently.
My job blows. Plain and simple. I could elaborate. I could go into every gory detail about how I am working at a circus and this is NOT what I signed up for when I decided to become a teacher...but I don't want to bore you. Besides, someone once told me that negativity is "contagious" and I'm afraid if I begin, you too might develop a stressful pimple below your left nostril. So I'll just display a small nut-shell. I came from a 90%-low-income-Hispanic school, but it was a RECOGNIZED school, it had order, it was organized, the administration was supportive(Bri) and logical. It wasn't perfect. But, it worked, and kids learned, and I mentored them, and I went above and beyond what was expected of me because I loved my staff and students so much. CONTRAST: Now, I work at a 90%-low-income-Hispanic school, but it's UNACCEPTABLE, chaotic, daily new "ideas/strategies we want to see by tomorrow", and the administration talks down to me as if I were an 8th grader myself. It will probably get shut down. It doesn't work, kids/teachers are stressed/leaving, and I do the bare minimum expected of me because the bare minimum comes out to around TWELVE HOURS A DAY. It's nuts. For real.
But, there is a reason for everything. Yes, I am one of those people who believes that cliche. I believe it because I can see it when I reflect on the "good" and "bad" past parts of my life. I do not regret leaving Dallas or selling my house. It was time. I was stuck in a rut and I didn't feel like I was growing. I love Austin. The scenery is beautiful. Everything I want is within 10minutes of my reach. My apartment is ridiculously cheap and my bills are around 1/3 of what I paid in Dallas. At this point I can't see myself "settling" here, but I believe I will definitely enjoy every ounce of it for the next few years anyway.
So what does the future look like for me 34 weeks from now? Oh sweet Future. How I love to dream of you, and put a leash on you, and yet in the end you tug and pull like Lucky in a harness. I've been told I have "contentment issues". And, from an outside perspective I'm sure this whole not-liking-my-new-job thing could be perceived as another contentment issue. But...I don't think it is this time. I think this is a push over the edge into something more, possibly something radical. Perhaps the importance of security and salary that I've built in my head have very little to do with the things Jesus says are important. I know my parents would love nothing more than to see me securely tucked away 'neath the arm of a Christian man with a high salary that would allow me to stay home in our pottery barn house each day and raise our four children and dog in our safe neighborhood with a garden. Ah, that does sound super nice to be honest. But where on earth does it talk about those things in the Bible? What kind of necessity does Jesus place on those things to have a full and abundant life?
I don't know what these things mean yet, but I am pretty sure they are part of the way God designed me specifically. Here is what I know. I know that on June 5th I will hand in my resignation letter. I know that I am madly in love with kids and teenagers and the skill of teaching...but this particular scene of public education is a far cry from any of the reasons I chose a teaching path in the first place. I know there are other capacities I could mentor kids with..after school programs, orphanages, non-profits, church. I know I've never felt more alive with an overflowing cup than when I've faced majestic scenery, or sang a little Guatemalan to sleep, or made a new best friend just from some travel together. I know I love hosting people and having them stay with me. I know I genuinely like people. I don't like sitting still. I don't like participating in things where I am counting down the hours and feel my life wasted. I know that I've always been fairly decent at art (something my mom has been suggesting I use since I was a toddler), but always gone after things I'm not good at (sports, academics, fitness, hair color). I know that I've been interested in photography since high school, but only half-ass pursued it. I know that I'd rather work with my hands. I like being outside. I like traveling. I like God. I like Jesus. I like when risks create good stories.
As Byrd would say, "I just have more question marks than periods right now". And you know what? I'm okay with that. I have my salary and comfy life right this moment so that is easy to say. But I think I need to be okay with that. My life is but a mist. And when the credits roll at the end of my life, I hope the time spent will have made for a great story about me and God.
This is a picture my little niece took at Easter this year. I look terrible but I love that she figured out how to blur the background and keep me in focus.
This was two winters ago when we had 5 consecutive snow days. I don't think I showered for the first 3-4 days, but when I finally did, I gave myself a photo shoot in my room. Not because I like taking pictures of myself, but because I like taking pictures of people...and my roomies weren't havin' it.
Nothing has made me happier in the last week than coming home and getting to watch a little portion of this wonderful gem. Jeremy Cowart is my hero. Seriously. This dvd had truly brought LIFE to me and my dreams at the end of my work days.
