The final Saturday school was this morning (thank goodness), which means I revert to my college kid ways and get out of bed 20 minutes before I have to be in the car. This choice leads me to the over sized old pink shirt left in my drawer from after 2 weeks without laundry, the jeans I wore yesterday, and my greasy hair in a ponytail because hey, it's 8th graders and coworkers, who cares what I look like right?
A few fellow teachers and I decide to go to Frankie's afterwards to grab some lunch. I was the first to arrive, so I walk in and scan the room for an open table, preferably one next to a wall because I don't like having my back to people. I never, ever notice other people in a restaurant. I'm not a people watcher. I'm not checking out guys at the bar. And, honestly I'm just not that observant...I'm pretty A to B all the time, rarely multitasking.
So I find my little spot in the corner and get ready for others to come in. When I set my purse down and pick my head up what do I see? That's right...Jon. Sitting about 3 tables in front of me with his Rangers shirt on. Smiling. Laughing. I think he might have even lost weight? Either way he looked good. I haven't seen him in almost 2 years. I must have walked right past him! Did he notice me? Was he just as uncomfortable? All I really wanted was to run up and hug him, find out how he's been doing, see if he wanted to catch up later!
But I didn't...... Instead, I panicked, like shaky panicked, called my teacher friends and told them we had to go somewhere else, and walked out. I just kept reading his last email over and over in my mind, "I'm 100% sure I don't want any contact with you ever again". I almost even sent him an email when I got home. Almost sent him a text. But, talked myself out of it because neither of those actions would be respecting his wishes. I wish things hadn't ended so poorly between us. I bet we are both different people now. Or maybe we're not? ...But it's too bad we can't find out. I learned so much from him. He was truly the most honest person I have ever met to this day. I admired that part of his character so much that I feel like that was a lesson he taught me.
So here I am venting to a computer screen. Confessing that I haven't got it all figured out. A couple of years ago I thought I did. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, what I was doing, and where I wanted to end up. But having choked myself on a big spoon full of some pride since then, now I'm not so sure. I actually act pretty stupid around boys. I never know what to do with myself and have a habit of putting my foot in my mouth. Perhaps that's why the only boyfriends I've ever had were best friends first, because they stuck around long enough for me to get past that and find comfort.
And, I wonder where God fits into all of this. What was the purpose of seeing him today? Was I supposed to talk to him? Was I supposed to attempt to make amends? Was this some sort of test? I mean, God knows what He's doing with people's paths right? There isn't an atom on the planet that doesn't go unnoticed and submit to His will and allowance right? So me in my vulnerable state...where did that come from today? Was that supposed to bring up fond memories and make me wish and wonder?
Who knows? I still feel deep down that God designed the man to pursue the woman, and not the other way around. But then again, I am 29 and single so what do I know? Weird day. Glad church is tonight. I need time with the people who remind me I'm not crazy. I need my thoughts re-centered.
