There is a clock in my head constantly counting down. You name it. Each day when I first arrive at work I count down approximately how many hours it will be until I'm home again (could be 9, could be 14). I keep a close eye on how many minutes I have left in class and where I should be in my lesson and each minute. I count down the days until school is out, days until my next trip, days until the weekend, days until spring. I count down how many volleyball games are left in the season, basketball games, track meets, practices. I count down how many car payments I have left, house payments, Saturday schools left to teach. I ration how many apples I have left for the week, bananas, sandwiches. I live in a constant state of the future, one milestone (pebble or boulder as they may be) at a time. The problem with this, is that I don't actually live in the present. I don't actually stay here long enough to enjoy much.
Summertime is different. I choose NOT to wear a watch during the summer at all unless a flight nessecitates knowing what day and hour the present is. The times in my life when I've been happiest, were the times when I can honestly say there was nowhere else I'd rather be in that moment. Usually, this feeling comes while sleeping in a campervan in New Zealand, paddling a kayak in Hawaii, sliding down a waterfall on a sunny day in North Carolina...in the arms of a man who baked homemade pizza for me after a hard day at work. If there is any kind of ticking clock, or open-to-do list going on in my head, then I am no longer IN that particular moment. I desperately want to know if there is a way to consistently live, here, in the present.
Next weekend is my last Saturday school to teach. Hard to believe a whole year has gone by since I finshed the Saturday school of last year, saw him at Frankies, freaked and ran out of the bar, ended up at dinner with him, a Ranger game with him, dating him, being dumped by him, receiving emails from him....and now I've come full circle. I am now back to being nothing to him and unallowed to communicate. Funny how i thought we'd actually be in a real relationship by this time. Staying as busy as possible, just in awe of how time flies. Amazing how much happens over time.
2 more Saturday Schools
7 more showers
4 more tests for the kids
34 more days of school
48 more days til Summer
4 more months with a roommate
