Byrd sent me this picture a long time ago and it cracked me up! But I'm not here to talk about monthlies today. If I could replace the word "uterus" with "brain" this picture would apply to my current professional school year. Life goes on around me...meanwhile back inside my brain is WORLD WAR THREE. Dramatic. I know. But there it is...everytime I have a long stoplight, everytime I have a waste-of-time meeting and space out, everytime I have a long drive to Dallas...the battle ensues inside my head.
I'm a worrier. I am my Mother's daughter. I don't WANT to be. Maybe that's why I make myself do things outside of my comfort zone? Attempts to become a more laid-back person. But this is how I get with major life decisions. And I have one coming up. Should I stay or should I go? Risk is involved.
Close your eyes and imagine your workplace wherever that may be. Whether that's an office, or a classroom, or an oilfield...picture your workplace. Picture your workplace messy, at ALL times. Paper airplanes and scissors precariously dangling from the cieling, trash on the floor at all times, food stuck to tables, seats, and walls, graffiti on any surface that can hold ink. Trash overflowing.
Picture your bosses. A team of degree-holding, dillusional, peers who gave up a long time ago. They like things to be done the way they always have been so they are not required any extra work, even though those ways haven't worked in years. They believe everything is fine the way it is and that troubling occurences at work just cannot be helped, out of their hands. You go to them, with proof-documented working suggestions to make a better place. They listen to you, smile, and ignore you, until one of THEIR bosses tells them to implement a new plan. THEN they will change things at the drop of a hat, no matter who it affects.
Picture your customers/clients/students. They bring knives to the workplace and occasionally use them. Little to no consequences occur when this happens. They walk out of meetings, no consequences. They fail to turn in deadlined papers, no consequences. They curse you out on a daily basis, no consequences.
You want to grow in your profession. You got into it for a reason. You want to be the best in your field. Five years in, you should be able to do this job in your sleep. You should be so good at what you do that you are free from worry at this point. You were great at this position in a different location. You loved your job then. Now, you dread going to work every day. You've been counting down the hours for 38 weeks until your contract is up. With fifteen days left, you are so close to being done forever. But what if you quit...and no one else hires you next year? What will you do? How will you make money?
I was discussing this with a wise person recently who said, "Money is freedom". It's true. I remember what it was like to work by the hour on commission. I remember what it was like to have 3-4 jobs at a time in order to save up for the freedom of vacation. I also remember the day I got my first teaching job. I couldn't believe they were going to give me TWICE as much money as I had been making. And I wouldnt have to work holidays, and I'd get a two month vacation in the summer. I was ecstatic. And I totally used all that time off and money for freedom. Since becoming a teacher I've had the luxury of easily affording experiences in Vegas twice, Guatemala, Hawaii, Laos, Thailand, Nashville, Malaysia, Bali, Mexico, California, the entire East Coast, and Key West. Money IS freedom. I love kids but I work to make money. I make money to enjoy the planet.
So the dilemma comes around July 12th. I have my application turned in to every school district within an hour radius of my apartment, plus a few private schools. So far I've had ONE private school interview that never called me back. I've had a neighboring district contact me for an interview, only to never respond to my replies. July 12th is the last day I can back out of my current contract with this hellacious school for the next year. Lots of districts hire in late July, even in August. But that's a risk to take. If I quit July 12th without another teaching job lined up, I'll be risking my freedom. I'll be chancing the possibility that I may not have to work at this place, but I may have to spend all my free time at 2 or 3 other jobs just to make the same amount of money I'm currently used to. Is my sanity and less stress worth leaving this place? Is it more important to me to leave this failing, stressful environment and take a risk? Or is it more important to know I will have my security and financial freedom next year? What would you do?
My poor friends and Mother. I've exhausted their ears to death on this matter. I've spent most of my 3 mile runs around Townlake hashing this out. I'll talk to anyone and everyone who will listen and give me advice. It's like I'm waiting for the right magical words that will give me an unwavering peace. Everytime I make my mind up to leave, I start to worry about financial freedom. Everytime decide it might not be the end of the world to stay at this job, something at work makes me so angry I grow a gray hair.
There's a battle going on inside my brain. Help me Lord. Please give me some direction and peace.
