Leaving

I don't usually read books twice. Because, the beauty of a book is earning page after page, reading during every single spare minute in order to reach the end. However, I have decided to give one book in particular another round. Maybe its my favorite book? I just love it, and every word resonates with me and my own life.

Through Painted Deserts -by Donald Miller.

I cant wait to get to Asia tomorrow. The weirdest part of traveling to me is thinking about where I'll be sleeping next. The fact that I'll be in my own bed tonight, and then I'll be in an airport in Bankok tomorrow night, and Ginny's the night after that. And the thought of all the ground I will have covered 2 weeks from today.

I need to get out of here. I've been in Texas too long. And when i leave my own environment...my head becomes clear. Decisions for my life become clear. I have learned so much about myself this year. So many ugly parts of me have surfaced. So many people that God has strategically used to refine me. And, I know how important the need for change in those ugly parts are.

"The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because its God's way. All my life I have been changing...No, life cannot be understood flat on a page. It has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers...LEAVE...And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed." --from the Author's note

This isn't like the last time, when i went to Australia and felt the need to physically move into the unknown. My need for change has to do with my heart inside. I can be so cocky and arrogant at times...but most of the time I am completely insecure. I overanalyze the shit out of everything...instead of just doing. I half-ass a LOT, rather than going at everything with all my heart. Shouldn't that be the better way to live? To go in the name of passion at everything...and whether love or pain, at least I would not have regret...at least my mouth would not know how to say, "What if?".

The chains that bind me today are not bound by Dallas, or American dreams, or security, or what have you. The chains that bind me now come from my own human flesh. My weakness from how I've allowed the world to make me weak. It is my soul that God is after now. It is through that refiners fire that God can change me into a loving person. And I know that it is only God that can change me into a selfless person that puts others first. Because THAT'S the kind of person I WANT to be. I want to personify that kind of Love.

And when I fall in love...I want to fall in love with their soul first. Not their appearance. Not the attention they give me. Not the tangible things about them that make them cool, or smart, or sweet...I want to fall in love with their soul. I want to fall in love with a man that puts forth the effort to display God's love in every inch of his life, with everyone he knows and everything he does. I want to fall in love with a man who will look to God in all things. Is this the perfect man I've just described? Yes. But I'm not looking for the perfect man...I'm only looking for the man who attempts to live his life that way.

Because I am not the perfect girl...by any means! I am FULL of flaws. But i WANT to be the person I've just described. I want to be the person that intentionally attempts Love first, always. And if I am to have a partner in this life, if I am to be put on a team of two...then I will have to have someone who encourages that part of me, brings out the best in me, who looks at life through that lens.

I trust You, Lord. Take me to Asia. Please reveal Yourself to me.

Indecision

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone

You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that

Leave the pieces when you go
Leave the pieces when you go

--The Wreckers

In the ghetto

http://www.star-telegram.com/dallas_news/story/1451383.html

If you listen to the stories of the kids I teach, it's enough to make you consider the drive if you bought a house in Corinth. Sure I could buy a house in Carrollton and have a shorter drive to work...but when I hear about my kids' uncles and brothers who are in gangs and initiations leave pets strung up in trees, houses robbed, cars stolen...its enough to make you think the northern suburbs might not be so bad.

Corinth is a quiet little town in between the bigger cities of Lewisville and Denton. Its near the lake, and from what I can tell so far, its a community of average income folk who work hard, and rest on the lake in their spare time. Sounded like the perfect choice for real estate resell value, and a peaceful place for this super busy coach on the weekends. UNTIL MONDAY!!!

The story you can read in the link above is both shocking and scary. A greasy, 50yr. old man, who's lived in Corinth for the past 2 years, walked up to a woman holding an infant, in a park .5 miles from the HOUSE I JUST BOUGHT...and shot her in the jaw in broad daylight. She dropped her infant on the concrete and her 4yr. old son saw everything. This happened Monday! I was just out there painting Monday evening!

While this story does make me a little more cautious about locking my doors and running alone...it really just reinforces the point I've been trying to make to my mother since I was 16. SAFETY. IS. RELATIVE.

Sure there are situations to put yourself in that are less risky than others. I don't plan on walking a tight rope anytime soon and testing God to see if he will keep me from breaking my neck. I don't intend on walking across the highway on faith that I will not be run over. But lets face it...safety and risk...are present together...anywhere. For example: the churches and schools that have endured shootings. The old people who died in the freeze in Oklahoma a couple years ago. I could easily fall off the ladder I'm painting on later today.

I saw the movie "Taken" not long ago, and got a little edgy about me and another GIRL going to Thailand alone. I reflect on travel experiences I've had in the past that COULD have gone very wrong, COULD have probably scripted the next horror movie...but here's what I think. I think paranoia has no place in Faith. Its no way to live life. When its my time to go, it'll be time. It is what it is. I might get a long life, i might not. My death might have a negative effect. But its not my choice. My job on earth is to Love as much as I can, and trust that God has this show under control. My job is to take steps in faith each day. Sometimes that means doing things uncomfortable...like moving, or new jobs, or meeting people, or standing up for myself.

I am learning to trust the Lord. Very slowly, but I am learning. I had to let go of someone this week...it hurt a lot...and i know a lot of pain was caused...but I think in the long run, it was the more selfless road to follow. More on that later...

In conclusion, I believe everyone I know should move to Corinth, TX in order to weed out all of the crazy-old-white-men that own storage units full of guns. Its the only way!

Settle Down, Schmettle Down

So I bought a house, in Corinth. People have been giving me a hard time about how far away it is...but really, what does that even mean? Far away from what? From you? You dont even come over that often/if at all right now! So yes...I bought a house that was 5 miles from my church and 15 miles from my work. And this upsets you? Why? The only people who actually come to my place on a regular basis have already taken the time to drive out to Corinth...and I am MORE than willing to drive a little extra to see them as well. Its my FIRST house! So yes, I DID choose a nicer, newer, house for cheaper...that happened to be a little farther out. I went the safer route because I am a single girl with not a lot of cash. I wanted something low maintenence with great resell value.

Besides, do you think I got this place to live in all my life? You are CRAZY. I already feel trapped because of my 3 year commitment to keep the tax credit. I even fell apart about it over the phone to a friend yesterday. I havent lived in the same place for more than 2 years since I was 18. I enjoy the fact that I COULD pick up and go if I so choose. And we all know of the extreme commitment-phobe that I am. I'll be THIRTY in 3 years!!! Now, I've tied myself to this house, in DALLAS? What if I still want to move to California? What if I actually get to know marriage, and that leads me elsewhere? What if? What if?

Once I simmered down, my friend on the phone said something that I feel was the Lord's comfort. The conversation went something like this...

"...((me ranting, raving))...and what the hell was I thinking? I feel like I'm forcing myself to settle down with this job and this house and I am just sooo not ready for that! I dont even have a husband and kids! Shouldnt I be traveling and flying by the seat of my pants, doing things now that I cant do later?!"

to which he says, "Carisse, maybe thats what you had ENVISIONED, but that doesnt have to be true. Having a house doesnt mean youre settled down, it means you own a home."

And I thought about those few words for a long while. "Envisioned". He's right. What I "envision" to be true, and standard, and future plan...means nothing to God. My instincts have never lead me astray thus far. I am a full believer that The Holy Spirit is what we call "instinct". That small gut feeling that tugs us this way or that for no concrete reason. And for whatever reason...I picked this house. Of all the looking, and driving by, and online, and stress, and loss of sleep to find a house...I just picked this one, same as I did my car, same as I did my couch, same as I picked australia...or whatever other high dollar investments I've made. At some point, things just click and I go with one.

Who knows the plans God has for me? I feel that we rarely get to understand reasons. But I do know that this is a step I have taken, and just like everything else in my life...i dont consider this new purchase to be my own. I decided to buy a house for an investment as a steward of my money. I bought a huge project that I will enjoy working on. I bought a place to lay my head and night that can shelter whoever comes through dallas, or is hard up and needs a place to crash. This house is not my own. It is nothing but a gift that I have been given to use for a time. The tornados running through here last week reminded me of that. My house, my job, my friends, my health. NOTHING is promised me. And so I take little steps here and there, that lead me through my own story.

Have I finally "put down roots" and "settled down"? No way. I've just taken a break from leases, and parking, rent-increase, and third stories, and creepy-van-guy that lives downstairs. I'm just laying my head in a different place at night.

I'm going with my lovely friend Victoria, to see Ginny in Laos in three weeks. With stops in Bali and Bankok while we're there! Updates to come.

Chicago for Dummies

I spent New Year's Eve '09 in Chicago.
With 2 of my best friends Alayna and Mel.
I made a new friend Kyle...thanks Aaron!
I ate my weight in deep dish pizza.
I walked frozen streets till my toes were numb.
But kept my ears toasty with my Russian hat.

Chicago is a lovely city of lights at night.
And, also way too cold to live in.
I find great value in escaping my routine with those I love the most.
Cheers to 2k9, may we grow deeply and learn to love.

Puberty

I teach middle school kids. This level of education is filled with nothing but adolecents. They are the left-overs, the socially awkward, the insecure...why?...because they are in the middle. They do not belong anywhere. They are not old enough to drive and have jobs...and therefore are limited to what their parents will allow. At the same time, they are also charged full of hormones fierce enough to take down Jerry Springer...which doesn't exactly categorize them as the sweet angels everyone smiles at in elementary school. No, they are in between. Ages 11-15 just doesn't fit. Several of their bodies aren't big enough to fit in junior sizes at department stores. And, some of them are now old enough to care for their 4 younger siblings at home alone after school. I personally know girls young enough to wear Hannah Montannah t-shirts with Tinkerbell backpacks during the week...and those same girls will argue with you how they are mature enough to be having sex on the weekends.
I remember my 6th grade year. I remember never feeling sure about anything and needing affirmation for everything. Was I too old to be playing with my dolls? Was I too young to go to the mall by myself? Was I too old for my Little Pony sleeping bag? Was I too young to be going to school dances? All of the decision making on top of all the brand new menstrual cycles, kinky hair, braces, and pimples! Just when you think it's too much to handle...you enter 9th grade and things begin to smooth out a bit.

Being 26, and single, I've found something I believe I have named, "Adult Puberty". I've had three best friends have babies in the last year. Naturally, my thoughts drifted to the babies I hope to have myself someday...which is when I found my terrible phase of adult puberty. I don't really belong anywhere and I don't really fit. I feel socially awkward in various situations and I tend to come up short when daily questions surface. Am I too unsettled to buy a house? Am I too old for a roomate? Am I past the point of getting tattoos? What will I name my babies? What if I never get married? Can my body still metabolize Frosted Flakes? Is their an age limit for facebook/myspace? Is it time to quit browsing inside Forever 21? How does my 401k work? Is it normal to still want my mom when I'm sick? Is it too late to go back to school? How many careers will I have in my lifetime? Should I give up on the smaller size of jeans thats been hanging in my closet for over 1 year?

It's just tough sometimes you know? And, as badly as I want to be married...I wonder if I'm still too selfish for such an act. I've progressively begun to think of myself more than others for several years now...to the point that I'm really disgusted at how much time/$/effort I put into perfecting me.
During some time in the bathroom today, I stumbled upon Shasta's copy of this month's Relevant magazine. There was an article in there interviewing a band called "MeWithoutYou". I haven't much gotten into this particular band's music...but I have heard a lot about the type of guys that make up their members...and that's been enough to perk up my ears. In the article, Aaron Weiss refers to Matt.25:40 and says, "It frightens me that when we pass by somebody who is in need, someone who is hungry, someone who is poor, we are passing by Jesus. It is really hard to face the reality of that, and I am constantly failing in the things I could be doing. I fail to take the time, and I so often decide to do something for myself rather than give to someone else."
Well said Aaron. Amen. I don't like the person I am now. Insecure, self-absorbed, attention-needy. Why?...because I'm in the middle, and I throw pity-parties for myself, and THAT's the root of the problem. I think too much about myself. I don't want to be THAT girl. I do not wish to continue growing in that direction. I don't want to hide all my savings in storehouses...I want to pick up the tab and not worry about $, or fairness, or whose turn it is. I don't want to only meet the minimum requirement needs of my job description...I want to go ahead and sweep the gym so that someone else won't have to. I don't want to be irritated by every annoying person that comes my way...I want to make myself find that connection with each individual, because it's there. I don't want to eat more food than I need, or have more clothes than I can wear...because I don't want to be wasteful. I want to volunteer to drive, (not grudgingly) when needed...because God has more than enough money and gas to cover it. I want to make gifts for my family/friends at Christmas this year...because that would honor them more than going into debt for unnecessary items. I don't want to ignore homeless people outside my car window when I pull up to a stoplight...because druggie-schizophrenic or not, that's a human being who once had a mom, and a teacher, and a home. Teaching has made me think a lot about that because school is mandatory here in America. Which means, every crack addict, prostitute, politician was, at some point probably...in a middle school classroom, learning from their teacher who had no idea what direction they would grow up in. I want to consider others better than myself. I need You to come through for me Lord. Be Thou my vision, and stop me from wasting my life focused on the most boring book in the world...Me.

It's a bird...it's a plane...it's...Carisse?

So, you've had a really stressful week working long days 7am-7pm almost everyday. You still have work to complete on Sunday but you need at least one day for yourself...to rest, recharge, forget about everything, and renew your spirit. What do you do to accomplish such a peace?...I reccommend skydiving.

Sorry mom. I didn't want to tell you ahead of time and cause unnecessary worry, but this was the reason I couldn't make it to your house this weekend. I had skydiving on the schedule. Skydiving has been something I've wanted to experience for a long time. And, as evidenced in most of my blog...if there is something I TALK about wanting to do long enough...there comes a point where you have the choice to either continue to be that broken record that "wants" to do something, or you can stop talking and actually do it. Alayna and I talked about this today, about how so few people actually pursue their dreams...and before you know it, 10yrs. has gone by and you're still talking about some desire to accomplish...and then another 10yrs. rolls by...and so on. I was saving skydiving for my 30th birthday present...but why? What's so special about that birthday anyway? It's not promised to me. I had an opportunity to go right now, with one of my best friends, at a discounted rate...so now becomes the time.

Skydiving is indescribible. It's different than I thought it'd be. They don't allow you much time to rattle the nerves. One minute you're on the ground, handing the nice lady your signed papers and the next minute you're in the air, strapped to a funny man with a mustache. I got a little nervous on the plane ride, praying the whole time...but as soon as it was time to jump, there wasn't really an option for fear, they don't give you time to back out. And, as I jumped out of the plane and arched my back, anticipating my next breath, I realized...I wasn't scared. When the parachute opened and we floated to the ground, there was never once even a sensation of falling. It's almost like you're just suspended in the air, not really moving at all.

Of course the possibility of death enters your mind. Before I left home this morning I gave shasta a big hug and promised her all of my apartment possessions should anything happen to me. But, once in the air, with the parachute fully expanded, I forgot all about death and felt complete peace. Not a care in the world, no minute stressors from my daily routine, no regrets from missing out on things in life ((though marriage and babies would be nice)), no grudges held, no thing left to accomplish. Just peace. Just me, and my Creator holding me, while I stare at the horizon and gently float back to the world.

It was a moment I will hold onto forever. It is the place I will go to in my head the next time I have 38 kids demanding my attention, or mounds of papers to grade. The weather was perfect, and I had a sweet day with the Lord, remembering the value of life.