Honesty

"...and the truth shall set you free."--John 8

I feel like it has been a long time since I was 100% honest with myself and everyone around me. Now certainly there is a time for biting your tongue, there is a time to keep your opinion to yourself, a time to leave out information for the sake of arguement, a time to suppress your selfish side and stay out late to witness someone else's shining moment even though you are so tired that your eyes begin to shut whilst you walk... and, if i told my mom all the crazy stuff i end up doing BEFORE it happens, it would just produce unneccessary worry. So I just update her afterwards :)

However, I feel like lately God has been showing me how much freedom, how much relief, how huge of a weight can be lifted when I am completely honest with everyone around me...and also, to myself. I feel like I have been guilty of actually lying to my own self. Making myself believe there are things that I need to acquire in order to be cool, ways in which i need to act in order to make everyone else happy, decisions i need to make in order to keep whatever perception there is of me. Let me tell you, holding this kind of lifestyle is exhausting. Living in constant preparation for the future is exhausting. And, most of the time, plans change as well as outcomes and there you find that you've spent all this time and energy building one castle that no longer applies and will remain empty.

On my 18th birthday I got my first tattoo. I had it all planned out to spend the night at Arrie's house so I could hide the evidence while it healed, and make it my life's mission for my mother to never see my back again. I went to sleep that night planning this big elaborate plot in my head to protect my mothers eyes from seeing the damage her babygirl had done to her own back!...But I can't lie to my mom. I went home at 7am the next morning and showed her as soon as she woke up. She was disappointed, but she didn't love me any less.

I feel like that was a pretty big lesson for me. My sinful, evil nature plotted a lie in my heart, building walls and defenses of stress...I chose the freedom of truth instead, accepting whatever terrible consequences awaited me, and there my mother loved me anyway. And I didnt have to carry around those big walls and defenses anymore. So it is with life. When I am dating someone, I need to make it known in order to avoid being pursued by others at that moment. When I am dating someone I need to committ to them and put all of my effort into it. Because then if all of those red flags are really a problem, they will surface that much faster than when I sit on the fence with my binoculars tryin to scope out those red flags in the distance.

You will love me. Whether my curtains match, or I have a masters degree, or Im dating the right person, or I show up to an event, or I dress poorly, You will love me. Whether I make a lot of money, or meet expectations, or adimently believe against the grain, You will love me. Whether I reach every kid, or meet quotas, or am late to work,or put my foot in my mouth, You will love me. Whether I mess up, make mistakes, or have to start over, You will love me. You will love me because You always have. You have always been patiently waiting for me and walking with me. You have given me every reason to trust You and believe You when I walk forward. And I can do that, I can trust You, because I love You too.

Bali, Thailand

Ugh, i really shouldn't post so long AFTER the trip. Especially with the short-term memory I have!
So we fly into Bali late at night and decide to start this trip in Ubud (city 1 hour from the airport). Just as we begin to look for a cab, a German man comes up and asks us if we want to split a cab to Ubud. Now I had JUST seen "Taken" not very long before this. But maybe this is why God gives us intuition. My theory is that our intuition is tapped directly into the Holy Spirit to discern things. I've also decided that all cab drivers from another country drive CRAZY. ...So we all drive to Ubud that night and when we get there, the German man simply paid for the whole cab and went on his way. Saved us some Rupia!
Since it was so late most of the hotels/bungalows were already filled for the weekend. We walked all around Monkeyforest Ln. looking for a place. No room at the Inn. And finally a man agreed to let the 3 of us split this honeymoon sweet. It was beautiful. If you're ever in Ubud, Bali, go stay at the "Sagittarius". There was a beautiful courtyard, an infinity pool, free breakfast, coffee at your doorstep every morning and afternoon. All for $30/night!!
We shopped, went on tours, saw some temples. Bali is beautiful...but their economy thrives on Tourism...which always makes me a little sad to see. Especially when there are western stores everywhere. I cant even get away from Starbucks and the Hard Rock Cafe in Bali!
We got to see some shows that were interesting. They're native dance is beautiful. Very Asian and lots of red and gold in their costumes. They also use a lot of black and white checkers, on everything, clothes, bags, buildings. One of our cab drivers said the white and black represented good and evil. Kind of like ying and yang.

After a few days we drove back to Kutah(near the airport) and stayed in a very minimalistic bungalow for $18/night. This place seriously had a bed, a sink, bathtub and toilet. And that was IT. Took us two days to even get some towels. But no biggie. We were happy with the price.
We spent a lot of time on the beach there. For those of you who associate Bali with surfing, and envision the most beautiful tropical beach...you will be disappointed like I was. Maybe my eyes are just spoiled by the intense beaches I've seen thus far...but I would not put Bali on my favorites list. The water was dirty, the waves were sucky, the sand was black and there was trash everywhere. The worst part about the beach in Kutah was the peddlers. If you're sitting on the beach trying to have a conversation, you won't make it far through your sentence before someone interrupts and you hear, "You want massage?, You want sarong?, You want cigarettes? I give you good price". They dont take no for an answer. Even if you ignore them they will push. It was super frustrating. I've been to beaches where there are vendors with a little table set up on the sidewalk...so that YOU could come to THEM. But never this.

Thailand

I only spent one night in Bankok so we hit up Cowsun Rd. to see as much touristy stuff as I could with the little time that I had. Man, I could have really decorated my house for cheap if I didn't have to worry about flying everything back. This street had everything you could want. We topped our night off with a 2 for 1 happy hour and then went to sleep.

All in all this was a great trip for all 4 countries. I feel like 8 flights might be a little much for a 2 week time span so I will remember that in the future. But I got to see a lot of things. I got to soak up the sun. I got to travel with my close friends. Actually, if you want to know the truth Asia as a whole has always been at the bottom of my list on places I'd like to visit. I'd put Europe, Africa, and South America first. But I'm so glad I went. Its good to get OUT of this little bubble in Dallas. It is good for my soul to remember how big the world is. It is good for my mind to see the way other people live.
In college, I spent a lot of time with Ginny. Her and I had the world figured out on some of our longer jogs, we made enough sugary things to open a bakery. We sang along with our friends guitar into the wee hours of the morning, and we've laughed and cried a lot. At least i've cried. But i cry at the drop of a hat these days. Ginny means a lot to me and I havent spent more than a matter of hours with her in 4 years. I miss her a lot and I know it is good to feed my soul with the community of people like her. Now with the purchase of a plane ticket, I got two weeks with her to talk out my problems, to laugh to pray. Mission accomplished.

Think my out-of-the-country-budget will have to replenish itself for a while. Think I'll keep things stateside for a couple of years. However, I believe God has been teaching me not to speak in absolutes, so who knows what will come? I've been contemplating relationships lately, so you might expect my brain to spill over about that soon enough!

Malaysia

We only had one day in Malaysia but it was great. We stayed in China town in this gross little hotel room. I was mostly just grossed out because there was hair on my pillow and the sheets were stained, and it took a while for the toilet to flush. But no biggie, i just didnt shower that night...and opted not to use the super-worn flip flop shower shoes offered by the hotel.

We ate dinner, walked around town, and looked at all the city lights and jumping fountains. I found a poster of Milo Ventimiglia in the train station and am pictured above drooling. I've been in love with that man since Gilmore Girls. Victoria kept saying she had seen something about a tea tasting house. We kept making fun that we didnt believe her because we couldnt find it and nobody knew what we were talking about. And then we rounded a corner and there it was...a little hole in the wall tea shop with a table and dishes set up for tasting. Along with a man who either didnt speak english, or pretended not to when i would ask him questions. You know maybe he was deaf? Ya thats it!...except the tv was on. hmmm.

We got up REALLY early and took the train down town to get in line for tickets to the sky bridge on the Twin Patronas towers. Being on the bridge was a cool view and all...but Malaysia has really built up the hype on this thing. Now, I'm no architect, so maybe this thing is a much bigger deal than i'm giving it credit, especially for malaysia...but i think all the standing in line for tickets, and the Petronas exhibit beforehand, the movie-theater-video of how the towers were built....i think its just a bunch of fluff. Its 2 tall buildings made of glass and steel. Its pretty at night. It has a bunch of expensive stores in it. There you go.

Then we went to the butterfly park and it was fun. All different kinds of butterflies there and i spent hours just trying to get pictures of some. My camera is much too slow for the wings of a butterlfy.

That evening we flew to Bali.

Laos

After about thirty total hours of travel (dallas-tokyo-bankok-udon tani + bus to Vientiane)...Victoria and I were WORN OUT. Sitting on a plane sucks. But we finally reached Ginny, the destination. Ginny was one of my dear roomates in college. One of my best girlfriends on the planet, she's been living in Laos as a marketing manager for 3 years now. Nobody has ventured to see her life there yet so who do you think was willing to go with TWO whole months off work? ...yep, me. And a teacher I work with, Victoria, loves travel and Asia, so she came too and it ended up being great to have three of us.

When we arrived Ginny took us straight to this spa place for a traditional Lao massage and facial. I'm pretty sure that was my first facial ever and it was AWESOME. I just laid there for an entire hour while they put stuff on my face, and sucked it off, and more stuff, and peeling and whatever they did my skin was in its best shape ever at the end....then we went in for the hour-long massage. I've had a couple of massages in my day. We had massage therapists on staff when i worked at the cvc...but these little Lao women were much stronger than they looked. This lady used all 4 of her appendages on me at one time...when the meat-Carisse-tenderizing session was over you could have probably cooked me and cut through me with a fork. But even though i was sore the next day...it was surprisingly a great feeling at the same time. Like I'd had months of tension chiseled away.

Everything we ate on this trip is a blur to me. Some of it was really good. Some of it was really gross. Especially since I'm not a huge fan of spicy or curry. I'm not picky, i can survive on anything for a couple weeks...but man, American Asian food is not even a little bit the same as Asian Asian food.

The next day we rented a moped and went with Ginny's friend Ning to see some sights. Buddah park was cool, they had a TON of sculptures...which shast and i usually spend time mocking and taking pictures with...Victoria and I did this a little bit (as seen above)...but tried to be discrete seeing as how some people take their religion in those sculptures seriously. We spent the whole day riding mopeds and seeing various parks, palaces, and temples that Vientiane had to offer. It was a great day and I came out of it REALLY wanting a Vespa. Seriously, those were so fun...if only i didn't have to take the highway to work I might be tempted to sell my car and buy one!!!

Driving a moped in a foreign country is a whole other story. Mom, you totally would have geeked out the entire time. Other countries, especially 3rd worlds, don't have the same traffic laws that we obey. 2 lanes easily becomes 3 lanes, honking is more a friendly sign of your presence rather than a rude insult, you can get cut off anytime by a goat, a cow, a pedestrian, car or fellow biker...it makes no difference who has the right of way, its every man for himself out there! So even though i was scared to drive a moped under these circumstances...it was still exhilarating!

I learned a little about the monks in orange robes too. Buddhists. I was under the impression that monks were devoting their lives, sort of like nuns do. But in actuality, people go there for all kinds of reasons and different lengths of time. I think every boy is required to go there for a time. But people also become monks to perhaps heal from grieving, they might go in for a couple of weeks and then back to their jobs. They arent allowed to touch anyone. The food they collect from people in the streets every morning is the only food they get to eat for the day. As much as my curiosity was peeked, Ginny says its quite different seeing the inside of a temple when people are actually there, using it, serving a god other than my own.

Day 3. We took a 3 hour drive to a city called Vang Vieng nearby. Ginny and i were in the back of this suv and i had no idea how bumpy this mother would be. I caught air several times and everyone should be grateful that I didnt blow chunks everywhere. Geez, 3 hours of up and down mountains, in and out of pot holes, over and under stray cows. But it was worth it when we got there.

We went with Ginny's roomate Kaylee and her cousin Katie, and this Lao girl that Kaylee works with named Pu Nong. She only gets to go home about once a year so this was a big deal for her to get a free ride. Her family made us lunch when we got there...like literally went out back and killed a chicken. Her house was a one room brick with an upstairs. No need for air con with all the windows. Her family seemed to be really close and they were so sweet to make us a meal and offer the freshest pineapple ever!!!

After lunch we went to the "water park". Again, no regulations or rules. So there was a zipline and swing and slide and some kyaks and tubes on this big brown river. I was super scared when we got to the top of climbing this big wooden staircase. Victoria and i went up there to use the trapeze swing, but it was so heavy and there's nothing to brace yourself on so we just did the zipline instead. I guess I hit my foot on some rocks at the bottom of the river because I had a swelling in the arch of my foot the size of a peanut shell. It was pretty much healed by the next morning though, so thank You, Lord.

I had my first drink of the trip that night. It was a "BeerLao" beer. I guess it was good? I dunno, beer is beer to me and they mostly taste the same if their lightly colored.

Went to westerner church sunday night and the C.O.P.E. visitor center Monday. We spent a lot of time at Cope. Its this prosthetic leg making place that has a museum about bombs in Laos. We watched this video called "Bomb Harvest" that was interesting. I almost bought it in the gift shop but I didnt know if it would work in american dvd players (australian dvds dont). Apparently, Laos is the most heavily bombed country in the world. And of all the bombs we dropped on them during the war, 80 MILLION of them never detinated and are STILL lying in Laos. This is a major problem because children dig them up so they can sell them for pricey scrap metal. People who live in the mountains frequently step on them unknowingly and suffer either injury or fatality. The whole center was very informative, but very sad. I think a lot of innocent people were caught in that war. And its even MORE sad that new generations are still paying for it. The bomb harvest video showed a situation in which a bomb had been uncovered, sticking out of the ROAD between TWO elementary schools. In the road! Someone could just drive over it and set it off.

The work the people at C.O.P.E. are doing is incredible. Kids that get to go there are very fortunate and sometimes travel 26hrs or more in a car to get to it. Much like the gruesome bumpy ride in the car I had to endure for a mere 3 hours. I cant imagine going through that for 26, and while injured at that!

Laos might have been my favorite leg of the trip. It was great to see what Ginny's life is like there. There is a smell that 3rd world places hold, and also a tension. There is a tension that rings in the air when everything is a little bit dirtier, a little less convenient. A tension between pining for more, and being content with whats given to you. But then again, I guess aside from the smell factor, this is true of all cultures, poor and wealthy.

Next stop. Kual Lumpur, Malaysia.

Leaving

I don't usually read books twice. Because, the beauty of a book is earning page after page, reading during every single spare minute in order to reach the end. However, I have decided to give one book in particular another round. Maybe its my favorite book? I just love it, and every word resonates with me and my own life.

Through Painted Deserts -by Donald Miller.

I cant wait to get to Asia tomorrow. The weirdest part of traveling to me is thinking about where I'll be sleeping next. The fact that I'll be in my own bed tonight, and then I'll be in an airport in Bankok tomorrow night, and Ginny's the night after that. And the thought of all the ground I will have covered 2 weeks from today.

I need to get out of here. I've been in Texas too long. And when i leave my own environment...my head becomes clear. Decisions for my life become clear. I have learned so much about myself this year. So many ugly parts of me have surfaced. So many people that God has strategically used to refine me. And, I know how important the need for change in those ugly parts are.

"The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because its God's way. All my life I have been changing...No, life cannot be understood flat on a page. It has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers...LEAVE...And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed." --from the Author's note

This isn't like the last time, when i went to Australia and felt the need to physically move into the unknown. My need for change has to do with my heart inside. I can be so cocky and arrogant at times...but most of the time I am completely insecure. I overanalyze the shit out of everything...instead of just doing. I half-ass a LOT, rather than going at everything with all my heart. Shouldn't that be the better way to live? To go in the name of passion at everything...and whether love or pain, at least I would not have regret...at least my mouth would not know how to say, "What if?".

The chains that bind me today are not bound by Dallas, or American dreams, or security, or what have you. The chains that bind me now come from my own human flesh. My weakness from how I've allowed the world to make me weak. It is my soul that God is after now. It is through that refiners fire that God can change me into a loving person. And I know that it is only God that can change me into a selfless person that puts others first. Because THAT'S the kind of person I WANT to be. I want to personify that kind of Love.

And when I fall in love...I want to fall in love with their soul first. Not their appearance. Not the attention they give me. Not the tangible things about them that make them cool, or smart, or sweet...I want to fall in love with their soul. I want to fall in love with a man that puts forth the effort to display God's love in every inch of his life, with everyone he knows and everything he does. I want to fall in love with a man who will look to God in all things. Is this the perfect man I've just described? Yes. But I'm not looking for the perfect man...I'm only looking for the man who attempts to live his life that way.

Because I am not the perfect girl...by any means! I am FULL of flaws. But i WANT to be the person I've just described. I want to be the person that intentionally attempts Love first, always. And if I am to have a partner in this life, if I am to be put on a team of two...then I will have to have someone who encourages that part of me, brings out the best in me, who looks at life through that lens.

I trust You, Lord. Take me to Asia. Please reveal Yourself to me.

Indecision

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone

You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that

Leave the pieces when you go
Leave the pieces when you go

--The Wreckers

In the ghetto

http://www.star-telegram.com/dallas_news/story/1451383.html

If you listen to the stories of the kids I teach, it's enough to make you consider the drive if you bought a house in Corinth. Sure I could buy a house in Carrollton and have a shorter drive to work...but when I hear about my kids' uncles and brothers who are in gangs and initiations leave pets strung up in trees, houses robbed, cars stolen...its enough to make you think the northern suburbs might not be so bad.

Corinth is a quiet little town in between the bigger cities of Lewisville and Denton. Its near the lake, and from what I can tell so far, its a community of average income folk who work hard, and rest on the lake in their spare time. Sounded like the perfect choice for real estate resell value, and a peaceful place for this super busy coach on the weekends. UNTIL MONDAY!!!

The story you can read in the link above is both shocking and scary. A greasy, 50yr. old man, who's lived in Corinth for the past 2 years, walked up to a woman holding an infant, in a park .5 miles from the HOUSE I JUST BOUGHT...and shot her in the jaw in broad daylight. She dropped her infant on the concrete and her 4yr. old son saw everything. This happened Monday! I was just out there painting Monday evening!

While this story does make me a little more cautious about locking my doors and running alone...it really just reinforces the point I've been trying to make to my mother since I was 16. SAFETY. IS. RELATIVE.

Sure there are situations to put yourself in that are less risky than others. I don't plan on walking a tight rope anytime soon and testing God to see if he will keep me from breaking my neck. I don't intend on walking across the highway on faith that I will not be run over. But lets face it...safety and risk...are present together...anywhere. For example: the churches and schools that have endured shootings. The old people who died in the freeze in Oklahoma a couple years ago. I could easily fall off the ladder I'm painting on later today.

I saw the movie "Taken" not long ago, and got a little edgy about me and another GIRL going to Thailand alone. I reflect on travel experiences I've had in the past that COULD have gone very wrong, COULD have probably scripted the next horror movie...but here's what I think. I think paranoia has no place in Faith. Its no way to live life. When its my time to go, it'll be time. It is what it is. I might get a long life, i might not. My death might have a negative effect. But its not my choice. My job on earth is to Love as much as I can, and trust that God has this show under control. My job is to take steps in faith each day. Sometimes that means doing things uncomfortable...like moving, or new jobs, or meeting people, or standing up for myself.

I am learning to trust the Lord. Very slowly, but I am learning. I had to let go of someone this week...it hurt a lot...and i know a lot of pain was caused...but I think in the long run, it was the more selfless road to follow. More on that later...

In conclusion, I believe everyone I know should move to Corinth, TX in order to weed out all of the crazy-old-white-men that own storage units full of guns. Its the only way!