I don't usually read books twice. Because, the beauty of a book is earning page after page, reading during every single spare minute in order to reach the end. However, I have decided to give one book in particular another round. Maybe its my favorite book? I just love it, and every word resonates with me and my own life.
Through Painted Deserts -by Donald Miller.
I cant wait to get to Asia tomorrow. The weirdest part of traveling to me is thinking about where I'll be sleeping next. The fact that I'll be in my own bed tonight, and then I'll be in an airport in Bankok tomorrow night, and Ginny's the night after that. And the thought of all the ground I will have covered 2 weeks from today.
I need to get out of here. I've been in Texas too long. And when i leave my own environment...my head becomes clear. Decisions for my life become clear. I have learned so much about myself this year. So many ugly parts of me have surfaced. So many people that God has strategically used to refine me. And, I know how important the need for change in those ugly parts are.
"The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because its God's way. All my life I have been changing...No, life cannot be understood flat on a page. It has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers...LEAVE...And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed." --from the Author's note
This isn't like the last time, when i went to Australia and felt the need to physically move into the unknown. My need for change has to do with my heart inside. I can be so cocky and arrogant at times...but most of the time I am completely insecure. I overanalyze the shit out of everything...instead of just doing. I half-ass a LOT, rather than going at everything with all my heart. Shouldn't that be the better way to live? To go in the name of passion at everything...and whether love or pain, at least I would not have regret...at least my mouth would not know how to say, "What if?".
The chains that bind me today are not bound by Dallas, or American dreams, or security, or what have you. The chains that bind me now come from my own human flesh. My weakness from how I've allowed the world to make me weak. It is my soul that God is after now. It is through that refiners fire that God can change me into a loving person. And I know that it is only God that can change me into a selfless person that puts others first. Because THAT'S the kind of person I WANT to be. I want to personify that kind of Love.
And when I fall in love...I want to fall in love with their soul first. Not their appearance. Not the attention they give me. Not the tangible things about them that make them cool, or smart, or sweet...I want to fall in love with their soul. I want to fall in love with a man that puts forth the effort to display God's love in every inch of his life, with everyone he knows and everything he does. I want to fall in love with a man who will look to God in all things. Is this the perfect man I've just described? Yes. But I'm not looking for the perfect man...I'm only looking for the man who attempts to live his life that way.
Because I am not the perfect girl...by any means! I am FULL of flaws. But i WANT to be the person I've just described. I want to be the person that intentionally attempts Love first, always. And if I am to have a partner in this life, if I am to be put on a team of two...then I will have to have someone who encourages that part of me, brings out the best in me, who looks at life through that lens.
I trust You, Lord. Take me to Asia. Please reveal Yourself to me.
