Sutures

Thank you Shasta, for a reminder of the wise words from The Postal Service.


"Nothing Better"
Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And i swear I'll do my best to comply

Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

I feel I must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave

So please back away and let me go
I can't my darling i love you so...

Oh, oh

Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

I know that I have made mistakes and i swear
I'll never wrong you again
You've got a lure i can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye

Baggins

I want to be a baggins. In fact maybe my traveling alias should be Carisse Baggins. Like Chris McCandless' Alexander Supertramp...except I haven't come up with something clever yet to replace my first name, but you get the drift. I just want to share this part with you because I love it!

"The Bagginses had lived in the neighbourhood of The Hill for time out of mind, and people considered them very respectable, not only because most of them were rich, but also because they had never had any adventures or did anything unexpected: you could tell what a Baggins would say on any question without the bother of asking him. This is the story of how a Baggins had an adventure, and found himself doing and saying things altogether unexpected."

I'M GOING TO START DOING AND SAYING THINGS ALTOGETHER UNEXPECTED!!!!

Tomorrow

After quite the texting war, he called me last night. We talked for a long time. It was fruitless, because I am still in the same boat that I have been every morning since that night in June. But I feel a little better. He knows how to calm me. And, I woke up with a scene from one of my favorite movies in my head...









"And I know what I have to do now, I have to keep breathing, because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

why social networking is the devil

At this point you are probably wishing I would go on another adventure and write about THAT! Or, if you are my mother, you think I need pills from a doctor, or a dog to pour love into. And, thats fine. Think what you want. But I think everyone who goes through a breakup becomes a little crazy for a short time. Don't worry people, I am about to be insanely busy again, and then I won't have so much time to think about it. That will, in turn, produce healing and I'll move on.

Maybe I am a little too public, a little too dramatic with my feelings. But, it makes me feel better to get them out. I don't know how so many girls can perform so well as the "cool ex-girlfriend". You know, the girl that never says a word about the break-up, and then actually remains friends, buddies if you will, with the ex-boyfriend. A long time ago I used to think that was possible, but now I don't. Maybe if the relationship was for a very short time and each party did not deeply care for the other. Maybe then it could workout. But otherwise, I feel that one or both parties will always have some sort of feelings for the other. And it will always cut just a little bit to see your ex with someone new...that you inevitably compare yourself to.

Or, maybe I am a little crazy, with too low self-esteem, and regular people deal with break-ups differently. And, yes, I did throw a small tantrum on facebook. But I knew if I didn't say something public that would keep me OFF that site, then I would just continue to search his page for assumptions. And yes, I also realize there are alternatives.
"Why don't you just delete him as a friend?"...I could, but then I would also be deleting all of his friends, which could also be ok...but he has a public profile, so I could type in his name and look anytime I want regardless. So, pointless. I'd also like to think I'm not THAT immature. haha.
"Why don't you just delete your facebook account?" Believe you me, I have gone back and forth with that for a long time, even pre-break-up. I've already deleted my myspace, and twitter (that I never used). So let us make a pro's/con's list about facebook.

CON'S

*I can look at my ex's pages whenever I want and see what they're up to and long for what might have been.

*I can look at pictures of people doing adventurous things and become discontent with my own life.

*It's just another route to gossip.

*Guys out there, I can tell you first hand that I bet you are being STALKED by at least one girl somewhere and you don't even know it. I can't tell you how many of my girlfriends use the words "facebook stalked" in their regular vocabulary.

*It takes away physical relationships where people no longer talk to someone, they just leave cryptic status updates implying that something is wrong with them.

*It sucks HOURS AND HOURS away from my life. During the school year I look at it at work in my free-time, thereby making me less productive of a worker. And in the summer I actually get on my computer at home, and waste my life. ...I'm sure the rest of you only look at it to "check your messages". :)



HOWEVER, NOW the PRO'S

*I get to see pictures instantly of my beautiful nieces and nephew!

*I get to see videos of my friend stephanie in Peru.

*I get to stay updated with my friends Jane and Steve in India, and Ginny in Vietnam.

*My friend Gionata is traveling the world and Im sure has a a phone sometimes, but who's number changes regularly. With internet cafe's everywhere, facebook remains a constant.

*I get to read notes and articles from some of my friends who are extraordinary writers. The only reason I even thought of hitchiking in NZ, was because Aaron Bell wrote a good story about it. My friend and I decided to try it and now I have a story of my own.

*I get all kinds of information about things I'd like to try, from first hand accounts. "What mountain did you hike?" "How much did that cost?" "What website did you go through?" "What organization did you go with" etc...

*I get little unexpected emails and friend requests all the time from people I haven't talked to in years. And that makes me happy!



In conclusion, what do I do? I keep my facebook account and practice self-control. For the break-up situation, I believe I do need to stay off of facebook until I heal. Perhaps I should set some time restraints on myself that limit me to one day per week with it? I've thrown my tantrum, I've made my case. I have no rights to him anymore. I have no rights to know where he's going, or who he's seeing. And it's pretty clear he'd like me to feel every bit of that hurt since he knows i check his sites. Even though its not like I cheated or left him for someone else. I just simply knew it wasn't right. Hmmm maybe I'll blog on that later. I could do a whole dissection of the failings of my past relationships.

No Sunlight

When I was young, lying in the grass
I felt so safe in a warming bath
Of sunlight
Of sunlight

Fast open sky could do no harm
Like an embrace of a mothers arms
In sunlight

With every year that came to pass
More clouds appear until the sky went black
And now there's
No sunlight,
No sunlight.
And now there's
No sunlight,
No sunlight anymore.

You dissapeared with the same speed
The idealistic things i believed
The optimist died inside of me
No sunlight
No sunlight anymore.

Cinderella Wisdom

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true


Sometimes I feel trapped into the routine of nothing but work, like Cinderella. Where is the prince? The thing is, God doesn't promise me a man. Scripture never tells me that i WILL have a husband if i just be patient, or that i will live another 60yrs on Earth in health, wealth, and happiness. In fact, if you read carefully, it almost promises quite the opposite. To be honest, I kind of get sick of everyone saying complimentary things like, "Oh, you're a smart girl, you'll find someone". "Love comes along when you least expect it/quit thinking about it". "Your babies will be like this...". I'm tired of being patient. Most of the people who say these things have NOT been 28.5yrs old and single. And, I think we should stop neglecting the possibility that I just may end up single for the rest of my life! I mean it IS, a possibility.
And please don't tell me I "need to put myself out there". Don't tell me I need to go join a gym, or a volleyball league, or eharmony, or whatever because thats where you met YOUR husband. Because the truth is, I AM out there. I meet a LOT of people on a regular basis and i would not call myself a "shy" person. I met Nick when visiting my friend who worked in a biker bar right before going to australia for crying out loud. I met jeremy at a student counsel retreat, and luke at church camp. So, men are out there, and I am around them. But it never seems to be right.
And I apologize for another whining blog, but these feelings of mine usually come around once a month if you know what i mean. I get completely irrational and selfish, and how do I deal with those?? Running away. This strategy usually works for me. If I'm ever pissed off, then I'll drive around and cool down. If I'm sad, I take a trip to Austin or Winnsboro. I feel like I find most of my sanity in my travels. Its good to get away and get outside of the bubble i live in. However, sometimes running away doesn't actually heal or deal with anything. Sometimes it just postpones the inevitable.

So if you're interested in reading my whiny rampage, then continue...and if not, you should navigate away from this website right now.

First of all, I really miss Nick. Maybe I shouldnt. Maybe it should just be easy to put the past behind me and move on. But its not, its hard, he was really wonderful. And I love alayna and shasta but I would also love a boy to travel with. Correction, a boy im in love, with to travel with. If i watch one more romantic sunset with a chick Im going to implode.
My friend candace has been on this fantastic journey since she accepted a teaching position in Budapest and I get really jealous of her pictures. I've thought a lot about finding a teaching job abroad. This scares me because I have a really good position here, and available teaching jobs are as extinct as the Brontosaurus right now. So it would be a ginormous leap of faith to leave my house and job that I'm so settled into and expect those comforts to be there again in the future.
However, this amazing book i just finished called, "Radical" by David Platt makes me want to sell everything I own and give it to the poor like Jesus told us to.
Mo' money, Mo' problems. I can testify to that. I know I need to give my money away because life seemed almost easier when i lived on a strict budget and 3 jobs.
And, I know life IS short...I can't help but wonder if I really am making the most of it?
And I went wakeboarding yesterday, which was superfun...but today my body is achey and I feel too paralyzed to do anything productive. So here you are, some selfish humanistic ramblings from a snobby rich girl.

The Battle at Halfdome

Many of you non-californians out there may have never heard of the epic "Halfdome Hike". I know I had never heard of it before I was all signed up to complete it. Out here in California, most of the people I have met either have their own bravery stories of halfdome, or are at least aware of it's caliber. Sure I watched a youtube video of it. Sure, time-lengths like "8-12hrs" were thrown out...yet still i did not fully understand the strength of the mighty halfdome hike that awaited me a week ago Thursday. I have hiked around various places in the world, but nothing like this. I go on record to say that Halfdome is the hardest physical exertion i have ever performed...yes more than the marathon.




Me, Alayna, Jane, Toby, and Glen wake up at 4:30am to make sure our teeths are brushed, our snacks and waters are packed, our valuables are bear-protected for the day, etc... We also left room to drive 30 minutes into Yosemite, realize our detrimental gloves were missing, return to campsite, and back on the road to Yosemite. We park the car in Curry Village as close as we can get to the head of the trail. I have a back pack full of water and snacks. I wear all kinds of layers. I'm not in the best shape of my life but I'm still chipper and ready to walk a big trail. Three minutes into the trail the incline arises and my lungs are already on fire. "Dear cardiovascular system...sorry for all the neglect....love, Me". And, so the battle begins. I don't know it yet, but World War 3 is about to ensue inside my body for the next 14.5hours. The battle between mind and body.




As we begin to climb the longest switchbacks ever, my legs feel burning, my lungs feel burning, my mouth is dry, and the other 4 people I am climbing with seem to be faster, with less trouble...and I give all I've got to keep up. During all the physical pain, I look out to the right and there it is...Yosemite National Park in all her glory. Its a beauty I had never seen from America. Cascading mountains and waterfalls, lush greens mixed with strong granite grays, and pretty colored flowers all along the trail to remind us that God can still see us. My body burns while my mind is at peace.








The teasers come when the trail levels off once in a while. It will level off for a moment, long enough for you to stop for a snack, totally forget that you were just fighting for your life only a moment ago, and then inevitably someone will say, "You know this trail isn't as bad as I thought it would be". Perhaps my friends are used to hiking in Hades...I don't know. About midway up the John Muir trail, there is a bridge right over a huge waterfall. The time is about noon then so the sun is shining, we stop for pictures and everything is so pretty. We are so naive to the how intense the battle is about to become!!









Past the bridge there is a series of sand on the trail. Sand is harder to walk in than rock. Its almost like a really mean warm-up. Then comes the 3 hour incline where I was ready to give my life-savings for the Rocketeer to come and save me off this mountain. Yet all these older, and overweight people are passing me with their walking sticks right and left, the beauty of nature is still around...so my mind tells me to suck it up because there must be some kind of gold bars or endless oceans of ice cream at the top of this thing for so many people to press through to the top. Surely there is some kind of reward at the top and all of these people are not certifiably nuts??









After 6 hours of hiking uphill, collecting shiny blisters on my heels, never needing to pee because my body can't sweat out my lowering nalgene bottles fast enough....we finally reach a clearing of huge trees. We all sit down, take the longest break we have all day. Alayna and I finally chug enough water to have to go pee behind a rock. And now it begins. I had been hacking away at my body all day but praying to God and praising him with my mind that it was a balance I was willing to accept. However, now comes the part people refer to as, "the stairs". These are not, in fact, stairs. I've been on stairs before. Lots of times. I know stairs. Stairs are usually level, with enough space for your foot on each one, and often there is a railing up the side for added comfort. What lay before me was a huge chunk of granite with some chips in the side that people liked to put their feet on to propel themselves upwards. Not stairs.








Some of you may know about my fear of heights. Its kind of a conditional fear but its very real. Yes, I have been skydiving...but that whole process takes about 30minutes and Im strapped to a big man with a mustache and I'm still glowing about the donuts I had a couple of hours prior to. Skydiving wasnt that scary. I've also bungi-jumped ((but it was at speedzone=lame)). Rollercoasters make me scream a lot but I still enjoy them. The point is...if I'm strapped to something, and its a generally quick process, and I'm not depending on my own muscular strength....then sure, I'll try it and pray for the best. On the flipside...Shasta knows all about my thing with escalators. Its not huge, but its there, especially at ranger games and the galleria. I'm not strapped in, when I look out over the rails that are merely waist high, I dont think my eyes comprehend wide open spaces, and I get nervous, and all I can envision is myself being in the newspapers the next day for tumbling over the side of something to my doom. Alayna, however, would walk out onto a 3ft ledge at the top of the empire state building if you let her, take some pictures, and think it was cool. One of us is a freak. I'm still deciding which one of us that is.












So I make it halfway up the "stairs" and all of a sudden there is no longer "stairs" but just this slanted piece of granite, me, and what looks like somewhere between the top of the world, and outerspace. I found a level rock of to the side of the trail. Hurled my body there, and froze in fear. Now the battle was not only on my body, but my mind as well. I told the other 4 to go on without me and I had made up my mind that I would not regret hiding in this little cleft of the rock on the side until they finished the top. I would wait for them. I assured them I was not looking for drama, attention, or encouragement, but just that my body was done. I literally felt like my muscles and my balance, were too unsure at this time to press on. And when my mind is made up, that is usually the end of discussion.








So there I hid. I prayed. I looked out over the expanse of the scenery and tried to enjoy it. I kept looking upwards calculating over and over if this was something I could even possibly do. And then, to be honest I can't even tell you the exact moment, but something just clicked in my brain. Its easy for me to trust God with simple things that usually work out anyway, like driving my car to work, or being able to pay my bills. But here was a true test. Could I trust God with my life up this mountain? That if it was His will that I live, then He would provide every step I needed to lug my 135lbs up this stupid rock and back down? After all didn't He make this mountain? Didn't He know before I was born that I would get myself into this situation? Didn't he create every little crack in this rock? And so, I stared at nothing but the granite in front of me. I put one foot infront of the other, and up I went. About halfway up to wear my friends were resting I saw Toby and got his attention.
****sidenote***** I firmly believe that God used Toby and Glen on that hike. The help they gave me was beyond chivalry. It was more like Saint-ism.***********








Toby came over and gave me a hand, and I followed each of his steps until we met our friends, who were all waiting for the cables eating sandwiches. There is a place at the top of the "stairs" that levels off. And then we had a 2hr wait, up superfreaking high, in order to go up the cables, which were even higher and more dangerous. We laughed and joked and inside I just prayed. I had prayed for stamina all the way up the mountain and now I was praying praise and love for my Savior that He was holding me. Thank You for allowing me to experience this. Help me to take it all in and feel You with me.








I prayed as I put my rubber gloves on. I prayed as I held myself up each step of the dome of "halfdome". I prayed as I sat on the top of halfdome and enjoyed all of his creation. Even after He had taken me to the top of this majestic place, I was still sitting in fear. Deciding that I would have to sell my house and make my new home at the top of this mountain because there was no way I could ever get down, the 5 of us said a prayer together at the top, and then we began the journey down. I feel like this was the first time I had ever connected physical fear, with the "Fear of God". This is what reverence means. This is what holy and mighty means. This mountain that was so huge for me and difficult to conquer...and yet it was God who even MADE this mountain...and it is nothing but a speck to Him.










I WAS scared going down. But it was more of a peaceful scared. I wasn't freaking out because I was trusting God with my steps. And we got down halfdome, and we got down the "stairs" into the clearing of trees. And all i wanted to do was cry. I held most of it back. But i was so emotional that God had just allowed to me to experience all of that mess with Him. And I loved the rest of the way down. Dont get me wrong, I did get a little cranky during the last 2 hours, after we had already been hiking for 12hrs, and it was getting dark, and the Mist trail we went down seemed to never end. But it was worth it to be so close to such an amazing waterfall. Hence providing the "mist" on the Mist Trail.










At the top we had all talked about how great a cold beer sounded. But by the time we got to the bottom and it was 9:30 at night, all I wanted was some water and my bed. The next few days gave me some achey muscles and ginormous blisters to heal. But it was all worth it. God had wanted me to be a part of this. And I love Him all the more for it.