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Academic is not a word I would use to describe myself. I also wouldn't use terms like Athlete, Spontaneous, Laid-Back, or Coordinated. But, one positive I am willing to give myself is that 80% of the time, I'm willing to try it, whatever it is. Now I may not be good at it, but I'll give it a go.

My parents never made me stick with anything. I view this as a double-edged sword. While I think it was a good idea on their part (because i probably would have thrown a kicking tantrum and cost them years of wasted money), if I didn't like something, I could usually quit with nothing more than a disappointed look. Except for quitting Volleyball, dad was mad about that. I do not advocate parents who make their kids participate in sports and instruments they have no passion for. And at the same time...BECAUSE I never stuck with anything, I find myself completely AVERAGE at everything.

I never stuck around to see if I could get better. Rather than shooting 1000 free throws until I got the hang of it, I would shoot about 25 free throws, be frustrated with the 3 or 4 that went in, and then go inside and allow distraction with cleaning my room or eating Popsicles. Sometimes I wonder if this mentality has spilled over into the rest of my life. I do enough to get by, but rarely go above and beyond.

I was asking advice from my older brother the other day and he asked me a simple question that I couldn't answer and have thought about ever since.
"What are your LONG-term goals?"

Hmmm. That's a good question because I don't think I have any. If I'm being completely honest about what I hope to get out of life long-term...well I hope I'm happy and healthy, and live an adventure-filled life with no regrets that make a lot of good stories for when I get old and spend my time snapping peas in my rocking chair. That's the honest truth. There's no one thing I aspire to "be" outside of that.

All of my physical goals are short-term. And, some of those I have to ask myself to be honest about them. I've had this idea to go to graduate school in my head for education. But when I reeeeally think about it...why would I do that? I don't even like school? Not that I've done the research...but so far I've only found ONE program that looks absolutely interesting...and that's at Oxford...and people who get into Oxford wore pretty little ropes around their necks when they walked the stage to get receive their summa cum laude Bachelors certificates. I graduated Kinesiology after 4.5yrs with a 2.87 GPA. I'm guessing I'm not what they're looking for. And do I honestly even want to spend time in school again? Have I forgotten what it was like? I feel like I spent a lot of time performing a series of tasks to get me a piece of paper that would allow the real world to consider me.

I don't feel like I learned a ton about health and muscles during my bachelors, but I was willing to try Personal Training, and job experience and seminars taught me a LOT. My alternative teaching program was a joke and I was completely unprepared going into baptism by fire during my first year. Everything I know about teaching I've learned from trial and error, and other teachers. So honestly WHY do I want a masters degree? My long term goals right now are simply to be an INCREDIBLE, Freedom Writers kind of teacher. And it came to me when I was listening in church this morning. I only want that piece of paper because of how it will make me look. There is status for people who have masters degrees (but I know a few who have 'em, and they don't know that much more about teaching than i do). It's a piece of paper that will look nice on my resume and make other people think I know what I'm doing. That's no reason to spend thousands and thousands of dollars and hours of my life on something. I could go spend the summer with teachers in Africa and put that on my resume. That would look good too I think...but the difference is, I would actually WANT to spend time doing something like that. Not more school. Perhaps if I found a program that had a bunch of courses that perked my ears up I would think differently about grad school. I guess its time to research.

So I think my bro is right. I think I should throw my idea of quitting my job to go to grad school in California in the can. I LIKE teaching. I WANT to teach. Wherever I live (Cali and Austin are top two in the running) I want to be teaching. On frustrating days, I often ask myself, "What would I be doing if I wasn't a teacher?", because sometimes I get jealous of people who don't work 10hrs/day, sometimes I wish I could have an hour for lunch, sometimes I wish I only worked with adults. But no, since the travel channel isn't hiring any show hosts, and I'm not business savvy enough to open my own bar, or talented enough to be a rock star, then nope...I can't think of any other career I'd like to pursue. In a way, I'm already living out my long-term goal. God already gave it to me!

Short-term goals:
LIVE in another state for a time, preferably near a beach
Take photography classes and run a small side business
Bike around Ireland
Israel for the intense Bible study course
Become fluent in Spanish
Work with teachers in an underdeveloped country
See Connecticut when the Fall leaves are changing
Greece
Get out of coaching and just teach
Teach High School
Remember to send presents for my nephew/nieces birthdays
Cook a real dinner once/week
Ride in a hot air balloon
All these plus more I have floating around in other journals.

These are all ideas that put me on the edge of my seat. These are the ideas that I want to use for growth. I guess my restlessness to quit Dallas and move on will have to wait another 1.5 years that I've committed to this house (Talked to both a CPA and the IRS). Who knows? Maybe it will be good for me to stick with something a little longer than planned.



This is a pic of Darby and me at Austin City Limits. Sometimes I have pics and blogs ready to go in my head, and then never get around to posting them. Mumford and Sons this Thursday!

heeey brother

I got some free Mavs tickets from this NBA 101 for women thing that I went to. I took my brother and we had a blast. He bought me an awesome dinner, we sat with my friend Rosie and her hubby, Mavs won...it was a really good night for us...now about work in the morning....booooooo!

Not all my ex's live in Texas

I've been bombarded with ex's a lot lately. It's eerie. Two weeks ago, I had a flat tire, I pull over to the side of the road and open my trusty car safety kit (thanks dad), and there they are...these funny flip flops from my past that made me laugh out loud. Let me explain...for some reason, a LONG time ago, my ex was given these flip flops. And he asked me if I wanted them, I kindly declined, and found them hidden in my closet the next day. I snuck them into some sort of crevice at his place after that, and so began the war...that went on for YEARS. It was funny everytime though, never knowing when and if these things would pop up.



But it doesn't stop there with the ex's. I actually got a voicemail from one last weekend, and randomly saw a picture of another one at work today on a cell phone. Whats next?

Timing can mean a lot can't it? Timing matters a lot in sports. If the ball hits the mit one milisecond late it's safe, one milisecond early and its an out. I drive by wrecks on the highway and wonder what I would have seen if I have left school a half an hour earlier. If you bring chicken out of the oven too early or too late, then you've just got a pile of gross. "If I had known then what I know now"...then I wouldn't have had a chance to become the person I did from said experience.

Everything is made beautiful in it's time. I think it's neat that flowers can't be rushed to open. They open when God tells them to. This is going to sound strange, but I actually remember hearing some words of wisdom come from the mouth of Matthew McConaughey! He was in an interview and someone asked him if he was going to marry whatever girl he was seeing at the time. And, I remember him talking about timing. He said, "Its got to be the right person you know, at the right time. Sometimes you can have the right person, and be in the wrong time. Sometimes you can be all ready for a relationship, and be with the wrong person."

In my experience, I believe this to be true. If I look into my own inventory I can see truth in this. Who knows who reads this thing? So just know that I do not mean to stir anything up by writing this analysis...but rather, think my thoughts out through typing.

High School Sweetheart.
He was my first love. I was head over heels for him, but being in love was brand new for me. I hadn't known love before, and when you don't know what to expect, you can often take things for granted. Its kind of like if the first hotel you ever stayed in was the "W"...well then you might think thats just how all hotels are. I was so young...I was too young I think to know how to handle someone who knew me so well, and treated me so good. I let that slip through my fingers because I thought he'd always be around. And by the time I made up my mind...it was too late. Took me years to get over. He could have been the right person, but our timing was too early and he's married now...therefore God did not choose him for me.

President Emeritus.
He was such a surprise in college. I didn't think someone like him would ever be interested in someone like me. We took our time. We got to be really close friends before we made any declarations. And, when we finally did, it was easy! I didn't look at other guys, I didn't even think about it. He introduced me to reading, made me analyze my life more than I had before, he made me laugh like nobody else. I felt right at home with him. And then, something inexplicable happened in our relationship. To this day I still can't pinpoint it. He left town for Christmas, and came back acting different with me. I speculate it was the wedding he went to...my guess is that hit him. Though we had never mentioned any serious futures together, I think he got scared and wasn't ready for that possibility with me. Who knows? Maybe I'm way off. But he lost interest in me. I was the same person in the end that I was in the beginning, but he lost interest. 5 years later, when he wanted another chance...I wasn't in a place to deal with that. I had just started my new career, he had just left his. I couldn't tell if it was actually me he wanted or the comfort of familiarity. I was scared he would lose interest again, so I closed the door. He could have been the right man...but our timing was off, and I guess God did not choose him for me.

Mr.100%
There was a very short, but worth mentioning, stint with Mr.100%. This guy treated me well, bought me flowers, took me out, endless compliments. But it was all too fast for me. I was so used to growing a friendship for about a year before allowing a move to be made. And this guy was a 100%, all the time, about everything. I think that kind of passion is what drew me to him. I wanted to be around that kind of zeal, it was addicting, and at the same time, scary. He had a short temper that I had seen before growing up, and I felt like I had to decide on our first date if I wanted to marry him or something. The first time we were ever even alone together I remember getting in my car and him standing outside my window saying, "So, what do ya think?". About what? About us? My thoughts actually were, "I barely know you and i can't tell yet if you'll hurt me or love me". But instead I think I just winked and drove away. The timing could have been there, but there were too many red flags for me to sort through, and I felt rushed. And, for some reason, I never had a peaceful feeling about the idea of us. Sometimes I still find myself sitting on that same fence wondering if it could work or not. I can't explain it, but I do believe God created instinct and intuition that I can't ignore. Part of me wishes I had given that a real shot, and find out if my intuition held any truth.

Opposites Attract.
Well I've already blogged about the details of this one. We were only friends for quite a while, and then one day, my head just said, "Maybe?", and we tried it out. He was patient with me, and waited for me to exit my indecision. He was wonderful in a thousand ways. But we weren't right for each other. I think if we could both be hypothetically married in a fictional world for one year...we would both be able to see that. We want different things. And, how long can 2 people be together and want different things before one of them is forced to compromise? I didn't want to find out. I have to believe that God knows what He's doing. But I do miss this one most of all.

So, here I am single again. I think its safe to say I don't have a type. Most of these guys dont have anything in common, and honestly I'm not even sure they would be natural friends with each other. Do I miss them because I often feel alone, and the weight of my hopeless lovelife? Or do I actually miss them as individuals? I wonder, I judge myself, I criticize and analyze my actions to death sometimes. I'm well aware that I am no princess myself. I have my own faults and flaws that were no picnic for them. I made choices that lead to consequences. I made BIG mistakes. But, I also learned something from each of them about love, and life. I feel like I understand now, more than ever, what I want, and what I can offer.

I don't know that my Prince Charming even exists. And, most of the time I wonder if he already showed up, but I was to clutsy, naive, and self-absorbed to recognize him? I don't know that God will ever allow me to experience marriage...but I DO know that God's timing is not my timing, His ways are not my ways. I know that He is perfect, and amidst my worrisome mind, all my flaws, and terrible decision making...He chooses when each flower on Earth opens. Surely He can handle my love life.

Find your legs and go...

I have tickets to see Ray LaMontagne! He's changed his look a little since the last time I saw him in jeans and a flannel shirt, but his music is just as good. This is my favorite song from his new album. Maybe its because I can relate to it so much...except I'm a lady not a young man...and I don't steal things. Enjoy!





So your home town's bringing you down
Are you drowing in the small talk
and the chatter

Or you gonna step into line like your daddy done
Punching the time and climbing lifes long ladder
You've been howling at the moon like a slack-jawed fool
And breaking every rule they can throw on
But one of these days it's gonna be right soon
You'll find your legs and go and stay gone

Young man full of big plans and thinking about tomorrow
Young man going to make a stand
You beg, steal you borrow
You beg you steal you borrow

Well all the friends that you knew in school
They used to be so cool, now they just bore you

Well look at them now, already pulling the plow
So quick to take to grain like some old mule

Young man full of big plans and thinking about tomorrow
Young man going to make a stand
You beg, steal, you borrow
You beg, you steal, you borrow

Dreaming of the day
You're gonna pack your bags
Put the miles away
Oh, just grab your girl and go
Where no one knows you
What will all the old folks say?

So the home town's bringing you down
Are you drowning in the small talk and the chatter?
Or you gonna step into line like your daddy done
Punching the time and driving lifes long ladder

Young man full of big plans and thinking about tomorrow
Young man going to make a stand
You beg, steal you borrow
You beg you steal you borrow

Moon

I took a picture of the moon for you tonight! But sadly, its not the above picture. I stole that from google images. I did take a picture of the full moon tonight, but it just looks like a tiny white dot. My camera provided no justice for the way the moons light glow over the whole sky, with big beautiful thunderstorms dazzling lighting just south of here. I LOOOOVE the sky at night. I don't get to see it much. But, I feel like I was meant to be outside more than I already am. I LOVE being outside. There is such freedom and connection out there. And at the same time, I feel such a ditachment form nature being inside, under flourecent lights 55hrs/week. It's not good for my restless soul to be inside so much of my life. I think I need a camping trip or something. I could stare at stars for hours. Hours and hours. I could stare at clouds too, but stars are easier on the eyes and I love the calm of night time. If you have the chance to be outside this week, take it.

Extrinsic

If I ever go to grad school I'm going to write a paper that takes a long time to say this...

KIDS ARE EXTRINSICALLY MOTIVATED!

Now, I'd have to do some research. And, I will have to keep my eyes and ears open from now on to see if its true...but yes, I'm pretty sure that is a true statement in ALL circumstances. There is a lot of controversy at our school right now because they are trying to eliminate necessary items in the grading system such as due dates, formative grades, conduct and effort being wrapped in the one single "grade" they get for completing a class. From what I can tell, this idea began with a book written by a Canadian man who had never taught outside Canada and Australia. Perhaps I am wrong, as I have never been to Canada and have limited experience with Australia...but aren't those predominantly white, affluent, countries with little to no immigration issues, or massive economic gaps? I would love to see that man's Utopian ideals succeed in the world I teach in...perhaps I am about to. Doubtful though.

The idea is that kid will perform daily tasks as nothing more than "practice" for their summative tests. Daily tasks will not be graded, but supposedly kids will be so eager to do well on their big tests, that they'll be willing to do endless amounts of ungraded work that I ask of them in order to prepare their minds for summatives. Excuse me? Have you met kids? Have you ever spent time with them? Have you met humans in general for that matter?

Kids work for treats the way puppies do. I ask a question about protons and you can hear crickets chirping in the background alongside heavy breathing that hasn't quite developed into a full fledged snore. I retrieve a bucket of candy from behind my desk, ask the same question, and all hands go up. I ask kids to complete a worksheet on balancing chemical equations and they stare at the cieling and paint their nails with highlighters...I make a board race of it, boys vs. girls, and they all begin to yell out answers. I can't tell you how many times a day I hear, "Is this for a grade?". Kids all over our nation get paid dollars for report card A's. They are bought games and ipods for mowing the lawn. They remain ungrounded if they make their bed. They suddenly start diving for volleyballs if threatened with suicides. I remember having no problem sitting up straight and being quiet in church the minute my mom said, "Do we need to go outside?" (code for spanking). My 7th grade volleyball C-team lost their first three games, so 3 weeks ago I promised my them if they won I'd bring donuts the next morning...they've since won their last 3 games in a row. Kids need OUTSIDE motivation to do things. Now, this is not always in the form of bribery. I believe kids often perform tasks for glory, honor, attention from you or an audience, etc... But i think its few and far between that you'll find a kid who wants to learn, simply to learn...with no alternate agenda, without stirring up something or devising a plan in their basement.

And we could talk about the starving kids in Africa who walk 4 miles every morning to attend school because they are so eager to learn. Are they? I don't know, I haven't met them yet. But my guess is they are hoping to eat well and they are fully aware that education is the ticket to a better life for them. I would be very curious to know the level of discipline problems in 3rd world schools. Or how many assignments "go missing". I wonder how many "behavior intervention plans" kids are on in underdeveloped countries? This is a question I would love to find the answer to. Perhaps in Guatemala with my church this summer? Perhaps I'll send in an application to Invisible Children and go see for myself?

And what motivates you as an adult? How many people hate their jobs but continue to go everyday to keep their extrinsic paychecks coming? How many adults save their pennies for a sports car so that everyone will look at them and say "hey you're cool, you have a sports car!". I don't feel that I was ever that curious about learning for the sake of learning until maybe my later years in college? Even then, its was probably to lead me to a better grade or job, or not feel left out in social conversations.

It would be a real miracle if I knew how to get kids to desire learning about atoms and electron clouds with as much zeal as they have to conquer Modern Warfare II. But I haven't figured out how to do that. And you know what? Socially, its not cool to know about atoms, its cool to be the kid in your posse of friends that can win video games quickly. Extrinsic Motivation. Glory. Power. I often wonder if my job isn't so much to create a "joy of learning"...as much as it is to come up with fun ways to "trick them into learning".

Kids like games, competition, rewards, attention. They get excited when I get excited. Sometimes all I have to do is raise my eyebrows/voice one octave, smile, and they perk up and listen. (also similar to pups). I think, the sooner all these adults that get PHD's and write books actually start spending lots of time with kids, asking them questions, getting to know them and their motivations, finding out what stirs them up...then the sooner we'll actually implement policies that make sense.