33 weeks

Two months down in Austin. I truly do love this city. Breathtaking views of the sunset, the town, the moon, every time I drive an over pass. On Wednesday I jogged down the greenbelt, swam in Barton springs, and played two holes of disc golf on the way back. All without setting foot in a car. Job still sucks, and friends, this is not the sort of situation I need a pep-talk for. The job sucks now, and it will continue to suck until June. I refuse to be naive or falsely hopeful for anything different. But you know what? IT'S OKAY. For hundreds of years people have been mining coal, building railroads, stuck in cubicles, talked down to, commuted in traffic, etc... This is just one of those segments in my life that's difficult, that I have to work through and learn from. And I'm grateful for a chance to dig deep and learn lessons. I'm grateful that God knew what it would take to get me out of my comfort zone, and let lose on my grip held so tightly to my hometown treasures. He's working on me, and I'm happy to let him. There is no way being chiseled and sculpted could be a seamless process free of surgery and stitches. It's going to hurt a little and I was a fool to think it wouldn't. But I'll be better for it after.

I went to a volleyball game Thursday night. Three of my kids are on the team. I went to this game after a full eleven hour day at school including the usual hour early I get to school, and the 2.5hr faculty meeting after school. I don't tell you this to impress you, or one-up you, or make you feel sorry for me. But to explain what I DO get from this job. I DO get relationships with kids. And no matter how rough the other 5-8 hours of my days are, I still have my kiddos. And they, are the reason I went for this job in the first place. Felt good to be a spectator. Felt good to watch, and cheer, and leave at the end of the game. I don't miss coaching one bit. I miss Gauthier, and Roach, and Everett, and Shorty. I miss my Perry kiddos. But I don't miss coaching. That was someone else's dream I had stepped into there.

Every body's workin' for the weekend. And I had a fun one. Rainey street Friday night holds a ton of old houses that have been remodeled and turned into bars. They are so pretty and homey, what a great idea! Chili, cornbread, and movie night with friends Saturday. Church, nap, and Unicycle Football game today. Got to reunite with a few peeps from the hitchhiking race tonight, which is always great.

Not a lot of deep thoughts or inspired writing tonight. Just a peaceful week. I'll leave you with a quote from a book I have 25 pages left of. I want a man who has this quality, just like Charlie Bundrum.

"Charlie still climbed the ladder every day with a hammer dangling from his hip, still fished when it suited him, and still seemed at his best, at his happiest with children on the floor at his feet, or doing chin-ups on his skinny forearms. Ava loved them, too, but Charlie...well, Charlie just owned them, owned their hearts, as he owned the hearts of his own children. Some men are just blessed that way. Some men walk in the room, and babies laugh out loud." -Ava's Man by Rick Bragg

34 Weeks Left

There is a huge zit just below my left nostril. Too much information? What if I told you it was slightly above uncomfortable and breaching painful? Does that make it sound more medical, and less gross? Well...either way, its the very least of my worries currently.

My job blows. Plain and simple. I could elaborate. I could go into every gory detail about how I am working at a circus and this is NOT what I signed up for when I decided to become a teacher...but I don't want to bore you. Besides, someone once told me that negativity is "contagious" and I'm afraid if I begin, you too might develop a stressful pimple below your left nostril. So I'll just display a small nut-shell. I came from a 90%-low-income-Hispanic school, but it was a RECOGNIZED school, it had order, it was organized, the administration was supportive(Bri) and logical. It wasn't perfect. But, it worked, and kids learned, and I mentored them, and I went above and beyond what was expected of me because I loved my staff and students so much. CONTRAST: Now, I work at a 90%-low-income-Hispanic school, but it's UNACCEPTABLE, chaotic, daily new "ideas/strategies we want to see by tomorrow", and the administration talks down to me as if I were an 8th grader myself. It will probably get shut down. It doesn't work, kids/teachers are stressed/leaving, and I do the bare minimum expected of me because the bare minimum comes out to around TWELVE HOURS A DAY. It's nuts. For real.

But, there is a reason for everything. Yes, I am one of those people who believes that cliche. I believe it because I can see it when I reflect on the "good" and "bad" past parts of my life. I do not regret leaving Dallas or selling my house. It was time. I was stuck in a rut and I didn't feel like I was growing. I love Austin. The scenery is beautiful. Everything I want is within 10minutes of my reach. My apartment is ridiculously cheap and my bills are around 1/3 of what I paid in Dallas. At this point I can't see myself "settling" here, but I believe I will definitely enjoy every ounce of it for the next few years anyway.

So what does the future look like for me 34 weeks from now? Oh sweet Future. How I love to dream of you, and put a leash on you, and yet in the end you tug and pull like Lucky in a harness. I've been told I have "contentment issues". And, from an outside perspective I'm sure this whole not-liking-my-new-job thing could be perceived as another contentment issue. But...I don't think it is this time. I think this is a push over the edge into something more, possibly something radical. Perhaps the importance of security and salary that I've built in my head have very little to do with the things Jesus says are important. I know my parents would love nothing more than to see me securely tucked away 'neath the arm of a Christian man with a high salary that would allow me to stay home in our pottery barn house each day and raise our four children and dog in our safe neighborhood with a garden. Ah, that does sound super nice to be honest. But where on earth does it talk about those things in the Bible? What kind of necessity does Jesus place on those things to have a full and abundant life?

I don't know what these things mean yet, but I am pretty sure they are part of the way God designed me specifically. Here is what I know. I know that on June 5th I will hand in my resignation letter. I know that I am madly in love with kids and teenagers and the skill of teaching...but this particular scene of public education is a far cry from any of the reasons I chose a teaching path in the first place. I know there are other capacities I could mentor kids with..after school programs, orphanages, non-profits, church. I know I've never felt more alive with an overflowing cup than when I've faced majestic scenery, or sang a little Guatemalan to sleep, or made a new best friend just from some travel together. I know I love hosting people and having them stay with me. I know I genuinely like people. I don't like sitting still. I don't like participating in things where I am counting down the hours and feel my life wasted. I know that I've always been fairly decent at art (something my mom has been suggesting I use since I was a toddler), but always gone after things I'm not good at (sports, academics, fitness, hair color). I know that I've been interested in photography since high school, but only half-ass pursued it. I know that I'd rather work with my hands. I like being outside. I like traveling. I like God. I like Jesus. I like when risks create good stories.

As Byrd would say, "I just have more question marks than periods right now". And you know what? I'm okay with that. I have my salary and comfy life right this moment so that is easy to say. But I think I need to be okay with that. My life is but a mist. And when the credits roll at the end of my life, I hope the time spent will have made for a great story about me and God.

This is a picture my little niece took at Easter this year. I look terrible but I love that she figured out how to blur the background and keep me in focus.

This was two winters ago when we had 5 consecutive snow days. I don't think I showered for the first 3-4 days, but when I finally did, I gave myself a photo shoot in my room. Not because I like taking pictures of myself, but because I like taking pictures of people...and my roomies weren't havin' it.

Nothing has made me happier in the last week than coming home and getting to watch a little portion of this wonderful gem. Jeremy Cowart is my hero. Seriously. This dvd had truly brought LIFE to me and my dreams at the end of my work days.