Breaking Up with Hulu

(pic above via my friend John. Thanks John :))

I cancelled my Hulu subscription. Not that there is anything wrong with Hulu, there's just something wrong with me...watching so much of it.

When I lived in Dallas I had cable and a DVR and I watched a LOT of TV. Once during a week of Thanksgiving vacation, I watched like four straight seasons of Dexter in a row because I could. Because I was an adult in my own house,  and my roommates were gone. Because it was right there in front of me. I was tired and lethargic that whole week because I hadn't done A-N-Y-thing. After feeling that terrible, I decided I need to have a trip planned for all of my off time so as to prevent me from ever being that lazy again.

When I moved to Austin, I refused to get cable or a TV and I was real proud of that. Except my roommate had a TV and I had a DVD player so I just found myself going to Redbox ALL the time. "What should we watch tonight?" became a key phrase in our house. And our antenna picked up basic cable so we could watch mind enriching shows like the Bachelor. When I got married we refused to buy a TV, but by that time I had a Hulu subcription. Hulu is crappy in their movie options but they have TONS of TV. Especially reality TV, and I am a huge sucker for that genre.

Which brings me to today. We now live in South Carolina to be closer to mountains and beaches and I am sad to say that I just completed watching an entire season of Bachelor in Paradise. I have no explanation as to why I repeatedly, week after week, cared which twenty something was dating which other rejected twenty something on a beach in Mexico. But I did. And I watched all of it. And that's a lot of hours of my life.

We moved here to be in a place where we would want to get outside more, but didn't take into account that being a teacher, no matter where you are, is A MASSIVE TIME CONSUMING JOB. So at the end of the day you don't have time for a hike and a bike ride and you just crave the path of least resistance and all you want in life is peace and quiet and comfort and tasty food and to not be asked one thousand questions. So I get it. I get TV. I get wanting a break from doing all things productive all the time. I totally understand looking forward to a few hours of entertainment after a hard week of work.

BUT.

But I can't stop thinking about all the hours I give to the screen in front of me, and come out no better of a person because of it. I can't stop thinking about how those hours add up, and how absurd they sound when you say them out loud. One hour of TV/facebook/whatever a day equals SEVEN hours a week! Two hours a day equals FOURTEEN HOURS a week and so on.

Please don't turn into a person who feels like they can't talk about TV with me after this post, like I'm just silently judging you in my head the next time you talk about how you "binge-watched" this or that. No judgement here. This blog has always been about me and my thoughts and my own life. You do you. I'm also not saying I'll never watch TV again. I LOVE TV AND MOVIES. But I don't have a lot of self control, so in our family, my best bet is keeping it out of my reach. It's pretty much the same concept like how I'm not allowed to buy Oreos at the grocery store and keep them in my house. Because I won't just have two cookies a day. I can finish an entire box of girl scout Samoas before you even finish pouring the glass of milk. No control here, so just get it out.

Now, we DO still have options to watch things if we so desire. Our Library card allows us access to Hoopla, and we have Amazon Prime to ship Terry's snake stuff, then there's always itunes. But it hurts a little every time we pay $3 to watch a movie, so its easier to say no to that one. SOME media entertainment is fantastic and I learn from it like Poverty Inc.....but not Bachelor in Paradise or Real House Wives of New York (I'm sorry Bethany. I do love you and your hilarious wit). So I need to monitor and limit myself in this area a little more. Stay out of the rabbit holes if you will.

The thing I can't stop thinking about though is all those hours of my life I've used on media entertainment, and wondering now how they might have been better spent. Here are some of the things I've come up with that I could have been doing with all those hours of TV.

1. I could learn to Sail. Terry and I are currently obsessed with Gone With The Wynns right now. A couple who left the 9-5 lifestyle and have been RV-ing around America for the last five years. They just bought a Sailboat and this is where ALL OF MY DAYDREAMS GO TO I TELL YOU. There are tons of books on sailing in the library that could prep me for the real deal. In fact, I could just read all the books in the library on the perfect little screened in porch we have in our fabulous 1940 rental house.

2. I could plant a very small garden. We had big ideas about growing a garden on this acre we are renting...but there is a massive produce store called the Tomato Vine about a block and a half from our house that we can walk to and buy all the things ready to go without buying dirt and seed and containers and tools.

3. I could learn to play the piano. A skill I've always wanted. Pianos are everywhere. I'd love to sit down at one someday in a random hotel lobby and everyone turns there head and thinks, "What in the samhill is Alicia Keys doing here?!"

4. Photography. My Everest. I have wanted to be a professional photographer for about ten years now. Obviously not wanted it enough to learn my camera settings and editing software, but its a real dream I want to see come true in my lifetime. I especially think it would be fun to be a photographer for Pottery Barn or Southern Living. I could look at pictures of pumpkins neatly clustered on top of a plaid throw blankets next to candles and china tea sets all day, son. All day.
Also video-making. I took a media tech class in high school and loved it. Terry and I have had lengthy conversations about turning all of our trips into our very own "episodes" to remember and show our kids, just haven't gotten around to it. You know, taking up time and all.

5. Embroidery.
Pillows, wall hangings, what-have-you. Mom gave me a whole kit to embroider a bird like 7 years ago, that remains inside a box that I've now toted through two apartments and a house. And did you know back in 2006 I got paid about $800 for two quilts I made for one of my personal training clients? They were just squares sewn together, but he liked them and wrote me a check for eight hundo for those.

6. Sometimes I wonder if I could write childrens books. Terry and I like to think up ideas for them when we visit zoos. Like the giraffe who was born afraid of heights, and the monitor lizard who is, well, a bullied hall monitor at school.

7. Ted Talks = probably better than TV.

8. Games/Puzzles/Coffee Shops to explore. I never win games which leads me to enjoy them less. But there was this one time I beat Terry in Monopoly and I was queen of the world. I love puzzles though. And we could even take these items to all the cute coffee shops I should "stop into sometime".

9. My house could be clean? Like, all of it? At the same time?

10. I could clean out and consolidate both of the filing cabinets full of paid bills for each of us dating back to 2005.

11. I could come up with an idea, start a business, and be my own boss. I was there to physically watch that process happen with each of our good friends Kevin and Andrew. It was inspiring to say the least.

12. And the end of the lucky dozen is learn the Bible. Read the Bible. Memorize the Bible. Talk about the Bible. Know the Bible. I'm thirty four years old and still never made it through cover to cover.


I'm not saying I will never watch TV/movies again. You must be out yo mind cause I will. But I could watch less. I could definitely, definitely watch less.

May 26th.

When I first saw this year's May 26th on the calendar I was relieved I would be at work for distraction. Darby and I have been talking about whether or not I should have some type of tradition for this day, some type of thing I do every year to memorialize the day I watched my brother die. But the truth is, I don't think I want one.

I don't think I want to give any more power to this day than is already hurtful. I don't need a date to remind me what happened or notice that he's gone. Its hard enough to hold it together when the unexpected triggers pop up. I went back to work on May 27th two years ago because I just needed to unstaple things. I just needed to put things in boxes all day long so I could go back to bed.

So today I will tell my people that I love them. I will go to work. I will eat good food. I will sleep comfortably in my bed. And most importantly, I will breathe. In and out, and effortlessly...all day long I will breathe. I will thank God for the time we were given with him, and for Stacy and the littles who came into my life because of him.

Why in the world are you moving to South Carolina?

Yes. Come end of June we are planning to move to Greenville, South Carolina. And I know what you're thinking? Why? Why would you do that?

First, allow me to waft my laments and then we will get down to business. I have nothing against Austin. In fact I am deeply in LOVE with Austin and you should all move here. I have enjoyed it so much. We live one mile south of Zilker park and three miles south of the Whole Foods downtown, which is near the infamous 6th street and other downtowny places. I have really loved living so close to the action that we primarily use bikes and our scooter aside from driving cars to work or other far away places outside of our ten minute radius of friends and fun. The food IS so good. The music IS prevalent. The people ARE sweet and kind and edgy. Austin is a great place to live. Swimming holes, barbecue, hillcountry. And don't get me started on my community of friends that I will cherish forever and ever. My sweet inner circle of people who know me best and pull me out of my homebody hermit shell. My extended circle full of adventurous souls that beg me to think outside the box. And my teaching community, without which I could not get out of bed for thirty seven weeks per year filled with pubescent, emotional, teenage angst. It really took me a long time to wrap my mind around the idea of moving away because life is pretty great here.

When I first moved to Austin, it was because of my 30 year old temper tantrum that felt trapped in Dallas. I was born and raised there and I felt like if I didn't leave soon I would blink and then retire five miles from the street I grew up on. That's not to say its a bad idea to stay there...Dallas is great too...its just, its not always enough for me to believe that the grass may not be greener on the other side. I want to hoist myself over that fence to see it with my own eyes. And when I up and moved to Australia for a few months at 25, and when I up and moved to Austin, TX at 30, I had lots of people tell me it wouldn't be any different. I wouldn't be any different. I would simply be me in a different place. Well maybe a morsel of that is true, but mostly not. My life is shaped like Austin now, which is dissimilar to what it was in Dallas. The Aaron's taught me to ride a scooter here, which means I avoid using my car when I can. I found Terry here, talk about a love story for all time! I don't own a TV here (but I do have Hulu and am working my way through all season's of the O.C. so I'm not as cool as I'd like to be yet). I go outside more here. I paddled my first board here. I learned to sail here. I walk to church here. None of these things are exclusive experiences to living in Austin, but rather because of the way my life is shaped here I can experience these things. Perhaps I would not have had the gumption to change some of these daily routines had I stayed in my comfy Dallas. Its a theory anyway.

Now on to the FAQ's of the big South Carolina move...

1) Do y'all have family or friends there?

Nope. Neither of us know a soul except the realtor and the airbnb hosts we spent time with on our Spring Break trip. Terry has some friends in the state a few hours from Greenville. I can only pray that people will be nice and welcoming, and karma will not bite me for ignoring newbies in the past and retreating to the cozy comfort of my longtime friends in group settings.

2) Oh are you transferring to a job?

Nope. Terry was laid off from the oil field and told me he would never return to the life that keeps him away from me for two weeks out of every month. So on to newer things! And y'all, I've been teaching 8th grade Science for E.I.G.H.T. years in Title 1 schools. Its time. I'm moving on too. I recently got certified to teach Elementary so that will be my next step. And before all the elementary teachers tell me how it won't be easier than middle school let me stop you. I'm not saying it will be easier. I read an article once about how every job has a poop sandwich you have to eat...what you have to decide is what flavor you're okay with. Elementary may not be easier but it will be different, and I'd like to try that different and see how I feel about it. Middle schoolers are weird creatures. They will joke with you one minute and tell you to F*** yourself and walk out of class the next. They want to drive and be in relationships while wearing Sponge Bob backpacks and my little pony sweatshirts. They eat a lot of hot cheetos and they think $50/day is a lot of money. Six times a day they come to your classroom for 45 minutes and trash it. It has its perks once in a while....but I'm just curious what its like to have students prior to their raging hormones, before most of them have phones and social media, before most of them have even kissed or know what drugs are, what its like to have 30 kids rather than 130 kids each day, to have the same kids all day, all year, with just me and my rules and my consistent communication with their parents. Again, I'm not saying it will be easier or even better...but it will be different, and I'm curious about that difference.



3) Whats the appeal?

        A) Because South Carolina looks like this! ("Pretty Place" not my photo)

Aaron and Darby introduced us to Rainbow Falls in the Gorges State Park about an hour from Greenville three years ago. That camping trip was Terry and I's third date that started conversations in the first place like, "Have you ever lived outside of Texas?", "I wonder what it's like to live right between the mountains and the beach?"

       B) Because lower cost of living

 

$400,000
5BR, 4 bath, 2+acres
Greenville, SC

$400,000
3BR, 1 bath, 6000sqft lot
Austin, TX













Take a gander on realtor.com for what you can get there. It may be un-updated, but we could get a house on a few acres within thirty minutes from downtown for under one hundred and fifty thousand. I'll take two.


        C) Because if we ever have kids we want to position ourselves financially with bills low enough for me to stay home with them. I come home tired as it is right now. Terry was a guest speaker for one day at school and came home and took a nap. I don't know how in the world Mama's go teach other people's kids all day and then raise their own after work. I am certain I would give in to the sleepies and the house would burn down way before bedtime on day one.

        D) Because our dream is to own some acres with chickens and a large garden that are sustainable for a large chunk of our food source. We need land for my future puppy who shall be called Mr.Bates or Dragon or Little Tex (I haven't decided yet) and Terry needs his own entire building separate from the house devoted to his snakes probably because there are SO MANY OF THEM AND THEY JUST KEEP COMING.

        E) Because even if we only live there for one year we should get a ton of pretty hikes under our belt and experience a chunk of awesome places like Charleston, the Biltmore, Nashville, Florida beaches, lots of the east coast and visits with my childhood friend Arrie in the ATL...

         F) Because it will be an adventure with my new husband and if I stay here I will always wonder "What if?" And I will mumble that each and every time I have a bad day.

"....I bet the kids in South Carolina wouldn't tell their teacher to F-off..."

           G) Because a lot of Nicholas Sparks stories were filmed here and Dawson's Creek is about four hours away and I've always wanted to live on one of those sets with a big screened in porch like my Grandma's house.
       

4) What if you don't find jobs and churches and friends?

Well, Terry and I will talk to anybody. We think we get that from our respective Dad's. But if we don't find jobs, we may be up a creek. And then we will pray and I will whine and may have to do something besides teaching for a while but that's okay because I'm an educated socially normal adult.


5) Are you worried about...you know...confederate flag bumper sticker people?

Ok so its a long story but on the Hitchhiking Race of 2011 we had to take some guy to the hospital for his toe. I think he was actually from Alabama but anyway Darby and I drove his car to the hospital for him and when we got out we realized we'd been driving around with THIS on the back and oh my lands. Gross. Embarrassment. Help.

In my mind the southeastern United States is the real "south". If that makes sense? To me, Texas is southern like with biscuits and guns and bluebonnets...but its more like its own country....which we were after all for about a decade there :)   So yes. Truthfully, I am a little concerned about the racism potential so near to the Appalachian Mountains. But then again, I'm not, and here's why. First of all, we just had dinner with a couple from California last night tell us this was their same concern about moving to Austin, Texas.....not that racism isn't here because I've heard stories, but just that its Austin...there are plenty of artists with handlebar mustaches but it's not known to be a hillbilly town on the whole. Second of all, if it is there, then shouldn't we be the kind of people that should move to places like that anyway? Spreading God's love all around? I've never believed you have to go too far outside your own door to love all the people and share all the Jesus.

6) Are you concerned about moving to a smaller town miles away from all of your homies and family?

Yes. My mom is my favorite person and she's already too far away at five hours from Austin. Plus she gets a new puppy every six months living in the country, and I need to be close enough to meet each of them. Coming from a majority of my life in Dallas and Austin a smaller town will be an adjustment. But Greenville is not itty bitty. There are over four hundred thousand people in Greenville county compared to the over one million in my current Travis county. So everywhere we go I just try to picture a little less than half the people in that environment, and that sounds nice to me.


7) But where will you live?

When I finish the school year we will drive up there and find a place to rent. If we like it, we stay and buy. If we don't, we move in with my parents and their puppies. (That's my plan B not Terry's. I do not know his Plan B. My guess is we would end up in Indonesia with larger snakes if he has a say in Plan B).



8) Don't they pay teachers less there?

Yes. About five grand less. Which is about how much we will save in rent each month from what I can tell. Maybe I'll finally up my photography game and make some extra mula?



9) Are you sure you want to do this?

I asked myself the same question when I got on a plane to Australia in 2007 and it ended up being awesome. No I'm not sure about anything. But I know that my brother has confirmed that we are not promised tomorrow. So better do some stuff now. This could very will be a bad idea. But we will find that out soon enough. And to quote my favorite Donald Miller,

"Leave.
Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.” 

10) Don't your parents have lots of acres in East Texas? Why don't you go try out your Southern Living chicken life there?

Well Mom...I mean, I've pondered that one quite a bit. But that's a town of three thousand. Might be a bit too small of a first transition. Also, does anyone really want to live across the front lawn from their in-laws? As much as Terry loves my parents and we could do puzzles together all the live long day, I wouldn't actually ask him to do that. We want to see what its like to start somewhere fresh for the both of us, and build a life together from scratch.




This concludes the question hour. I wanted to write this because anytime I see someone on facebook induce a major life change, I always want to know the details of their biography. I stalked Sarah Carlson for a good twenty minutes once with her moving to Abilene post so...there you go.

Come visit us in a few months friends!!!

The Thing About Death Is...

"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"

The point of this text is that death is not the end. I have been taught this concept since being a baby in a pew at church. I get it. I get that people who love Jesus get to go to Heaven. No matter what happens here on Earth, death shouldn't really have power over us because we will see them again in Heaven and live together forever. I get that. And it's true. And death makes it okay, because we have comfort in knowing that even when a human body gives out, there is a soul that is living on, and when my body gives out one day, my soul will meet theirs and live on too. But what about the now? What about the sting of now...not the comfort of someday? What about the absence here on Earth for the next 60+ years? What about the effects of the absence here on Earth?

Now lets be clear about my role in this grief. Mine is not the intense every day grief of a wife, a mother, or a daughter. It is that of a younger sister, and the grief of someone who made it thirty two years without knowing any real death outside of a grandparent. Clint moved away a decade before he passed, and for that decade I saw him maybe twice a year. We are not the kind of family that takes annual ski trips together. Our family is not the chat-on-the-phone-kind. (Well, maybe except for we all call Mom often, but I usually only call my brothers and my Dad when I have a question.) I've especially become aware of this after living with Terry and watching him chat with his sisters on the phone regularly. But when we do see each other...we are family. We talk, we eat, we catch up, we reminisce, we discuss the future, we help Mom with her latest technology, we watch Dad fall asleep in the chair, we take walks in the woods.

The beginnings of this grief still felt like Clint just lived on the other side of the country and see you at the next holiday. But then the PTSD would kick in, and just kind of come out of nowhere. This felt very much like death had a sting, and its venom would just flare up under the tear ducts without warning. One beautiful evening, I was riding on the back of our scooter to go see the Congress St. bridge bats with Terry and WHAMO, something just entered my brain and took me back to that day at the hospital. I just kept picturing that breathing machine. I lost it and was a sobbing mess. When we got to the bridge, Terry was sweet but I was embarrassed of my crying and assumed everyone thought we were in a couples fight. It took me a whole year and a half to get through an entire "Bless the Lord Oh My Soul" at church without turning into a basket of snot. We sang that at his funeral and there's a lyric that says "and on that day when my strength is fading, the end draws near and my time has come"..............WHAT IN THE WORLD WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THAT FOR PEOPLE TO SING OUT LOUD IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE....goodness gracious.

The absence of the here and now stings more than I expected. I can talk about Clint in the past effortlessly. "Yeah my brother had one of those", "Clint and Wes used to ___", "Clint rebuilt a mustang once". But the here and now is rougher. He never got to meet Terry and I think they would have got along well. They could have talked about investing and gardening and building stuff. So when I talk about him to Terry, he is a ghost he will never shake hands with. Terry and I love a blog called Mr.MoneyMustache that I think Clint might have enjoyed. He missed my wedding, after being so encouraging for me to wait patiently for the right one. He did not dance with me that night. He will never meet my kids if we have any. He will never be at another Christmas, and we do our best to distract the girls from that. He will never pop into Austin the way Wes does. He will never research another product for me and tell me why the one I already bought wasn't a good choice. He will not give his opinion on this sad presidential election, and he will never again read one of my blogs.

Make no mistake. Death has a stinger for those left behind. It probes without permission, but it's there. That's not to say that we cannot move forward, or that we will not make new memories, but the lingering sting of death from someone close is a thing I understand now. It is a sad thing when a grandparent dies, death is sure to sting a person when anyone dies, but when my 93 year old grandpa passed away I couldn't help but think, "Hey Pa you made it! You got to see your KID'S kids grow up. Good job! Where, O death is your victory?". Its different with Clint. He was 46. He had three littles, a Stacey, and us. He was a GOOD dad and husband and a hard worker, not like some deadbeat parents who don't deserve the kids and wives they've been given.

This death experience has opened my eyes to a new perspective I have found valuable in attempting to understand empathy. The two year mark is approaching on May 26th and I guess I just wanted to write down a few feelings. I want to lift my fist in solidarity with those who have lost a loved one, or are about to, or will in the future and say it hurts and its okay! You got stung and its not your fault and you will feel crazy when you are up to your ears in snot sometimes but thats okay here's a tissue and some cake and a pat on the back!!! Go head and cry girl!! You feel all your feelings and wear them all on your sleeve and come sit by me.