I wear make-up

A post recently said, "Guys are turned on by what they see, and girls are turned on by what they hear. That's why girls wear make-up, and guys lie".

So true. My heart hurts right now so maybe that should tell you where all of this is stemming from. But, when I think about my own past, I can't help but totally agree with the statement above.

I missed out on dating altogether my Freshman year in college because I held so tightly to a letter and a belief that my high school boyfriend, "still wanted to marry me". I was given a two page list of all the "reasons I was a princess" by my college boyfriend, only to be found "uninteresting" a few months later. I won't bore you with the countless notes, texts, emails, sweet gestures, etc... made by all the in-betweeners ...the guys that didn't quite make it to boyfriend status because they all dropped me, out of the blue, before getting there. And, now my recent endeavor...hearing I was the, "best girl he knows", the "kindest girl he's ever met", "more passion with me than any girl before"...only hours later to stand in my doorway sobbing, watching him leave me. Who does that? Guys have NO IDEA the impact of their words. If I truly am the most beautiful person in the world, then why would you walk away from that? I know if I ever met the most beautiful person in the world I should probably like to stay around them. Call me crazy.

One of the movies I watched over and over in college was, Someone Like You. I tried to find the video clip for you. Fail. So the quote will have to do. I have clung to that quote so many times over the years. Ashley Judd gave such a relate-able character...



Eddie: It's over. Why can't you just let it go? Jane: I can't.
Eddie: Why? Jane: Because I was happy. Because if this theory is wrong, men don't leave all women, Eddie. They leave me. Eddie: I know it hurts. I know. It's so hard to believe that something that wonderful can ever happen to us again, but it can.


   

I would like to slightly save some face by concluding with the contributing factors, making this a mere case of a - dreary, lack of vitamin D - being around family during the Holidays makes me extra wish I had a husband - turning 30 the day after tomorrow - just got dumped by a guy I thought was in love with me - oh goody back to more "girls nights out" shoot me in the face -BLUES.

Can't wait to get home and completely clean my house. That will help.

Dear Jon

LIFE was a game I used to enjoy playing when I was a kid. With the simple spin of a wheel you could get married, lose your house, go bankrupt, have a kid, or win the lottery within a half hour. Now that I'm older, I don't have some wheel making fake life decisions for me. I have my grown-up mind to look to. 

I've written to you before about Jon, he was "Mr.100%", the haunting "What If?" in my past. I've told you how I froze in fear when I saw him at Frankies last school year. We met a couple of times before my crazy summer gone, no biggie. Since August we have been seeing each other once every 2-3 weeks...and a little more frequent in recent months. He was willing to wipe the slate clean with me to see where this would lead, find out how would things be different this time around. He has the capacity to constantly make me feel special. He's knows exactly what to say, what to do, to make my life easier. He sent me flowers at work on the day of my first basketball game this year, because he knew it would be a long day for me, and remembered my affinity for lilies. He showed me his adventurous side by inviting me to the World Series in St.Louis...and like an idiot I turned him down out of fear. He knows me, and whether I realize at the time or not, he is usually forcing me to grow.

He makes me want to be an honest woman full of integrity, like Quaker kind of honest. He makes me face questions about my character that I've brushed aside for thirty years. His compliments are so constant that my low self-esteem seems to vanish around him. So what's the problem you ask? What in the world would keep THAT from working out? ...It's hard to pinpoint...even to myself.

I've been casually going with the flow this time around with this man. Never turning him down, but waving my cautious, snails-pace flag at the same time. I thought to myself, "If I can keep this extremely slow, then I can really get to know this guy before making any rash decisions that catapult me into another heart breaking episode like the last relationship". So I had a plan. A super slow plan. This should be a sure fire way to keep us from hurting each other. Slow and steady wins the race!

I remember freaking out when he asked me to go away to St.Louis for the weekend for the World Series. A weekend trip was NOT part of the super slow plan, and I was not ready for that level of quality time. So I bowed out. And you know what I remember? I remember asking him why he wasn't scared to jump into something like a weekend getaway together and he said, "No I'm not scared, because Carisse, whether we figure this out now, or later, we figure this out".

So how do you play the game of Life when you are my age? Taking things slow doesn't seem to work for me, throwing caution to the wind doesn't seem to work for me...being the leader, being the follower...nothing seems to fit and I find myself full of regret time and time again, "wishing I'd known then, what I know now".

Two weeks ago today he asked me where do I see "us" going? I didn't have an answer for him, and I held on to my precious pace for dear life. I truly wasn't sure if I could see myself marrying him up until a few days ago. I hadn't spent enough steady time with him. At this point, I feel like slow doesn't win. At this point, I feel like "figuring this out now" sounds a lot less stressful than figuring it out later. I wish I had gone to that World Series.

But we make our choices don't we? We set our expectations and we hold our ground. So when a man says to you that he can't continue this relationship because he is aware that he can't live up to the Spiritual leadership expected of him...what do you say to that? Do you respect his honesty, thank him for his integrity and move on? Do you compromise your dream because you like him so? Do you change your unicorn of an expectation that would be ridiculous to hold out for? Do you find yourself being the only common denominator in every single relationship that's "not right for you"? What's God doing here? What in the world is the plan? Because truthfully...and I'm being a thousand percent honest here...I would RATHER be single than have my heart broken ONE MORE time. I'd rather these guys just stay out of my path altogether rather than sweeping in like a tornado leaving a trail of destruction after only a little while.

I've been listening to old hymns in my car a lot thanks to the Cd's Emily made for me. I'll leave you with some verses that have been so important to me today. I hope you find the encouragement that I did in them.

This is my Father's world.

O let me never forget
that though the wrong seems often so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!

I need thee every hour, in joy or pain;
come quickly and abide, or life is vain

O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer

who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.

Long Blog

This blog will be a long one. I've been meaning to catch up for a while now.

Los Angeles #6, Thanksgiving, Anonymity, New Roomie, and Excuses. Here we go.

Meet the newest baby Burge! What a cutie and such a good lil' baby! I realized that this was my SIXTH time to L.A. in the last 6 years...so I guess I'm averaging going about once a year. I enjoy it so much though. I love Hermosa Beach, I love Jane and Toby, and it's always a good time in L.A.

 Fun tip in case you wanted to know. I took the below picture twice, once with flash once without. The one without flash looked like a dreary cloudy day, but put the flash on when the sun is setting behind the subject and look at all the pretty colors that come out!

Came back from L.A. for a day, went to Chrissy and Garret's lovely wedding reception, and then off to Winnsboro for Thanksgiving with the family. I had a great time and love getting to see all my little nieces and nephew. They are each such sweet and pretty kiddos and I love all of their little personalities. Good food, and good family, I have much to be thankful for.



I am about to make the comments section on this blog for people with accounts only. Allowing anonymous comments allows randoms to post advertisement type things and I don't like that. Mom you can just email comments, you kind of do that anyway. Sometimes I think about changing the address on this blog and making it a little better...a little more focused...I don't know...just thoughts...

I got a new roomie! Remember when I went to Southeast Asia a couple of summers ago? I went to visit my friend Ginny? Well she's moved back to the states and guess who she's living with? Me! It's nice to have a house of three again.

And last, my thoughts on excuses. I make excuses a lot. The majority of the time, I've noticed my excuses are directly related to protecting my lazy time. Now, lazy time IS important. I truly do feel like I work my ass off during the week when I'm at school. I would go crazy or get sick if I didn't have SOME time where I'm not on my feet making a thousand decisions a day. But, I've noticed this first with my body. My body is not in the condition I would like it to be in. My clothes don't fit the way I would like them to fit. My excuse is that the gym that I am currently donating money to is too far away and I work long hours so when I get off work I just want to go home. What if though? What if I didn't view the gym as this second job that was impossible to incorporate into a day? What if I just detoured on the way home and went in for 30mins? Things would probably change for my body and my negativity. Or maybe its time to stop paying for a gym altogether? I majored in excercise for Pete's sake...I could just as easily come home and make myself go for a run before dinner.

Excuses are not limited to fitness though. I let excuses create a pile of ungraded papers at school, excuses keep me coaching and keep me from moving, excuses keep me from getting my master's degree, excuses keep me from buying that DSLR and starting a photography business. Excuses, excuses, excuses. There ARE times when its best to say no. But I believe I have let excuses find a new level in my life. If I want to be the type of woman that let's her "yes' be yes and no's no", then perhaps I should be a little more careful with commitments I make to both myself and others. When I look back on my life I want to be proud of how I used these short years, and how I spent my time. I want to be content in where I am, not constantly living in the future version of me that I put off until tomorrow.

Sports?

I've never been a sports enthusiast. As pitiful as this sounds, I kind of associated games on TV when I was a kid, as times that dad was too busy to play catch with me. I also didn't like all the yelling at the TV. I played a little rec softball growing up. I played a little volleyball in high school. But that's the extent. Every other extra curricular I ever had was more artistic...music recitals, dance classes, drama, making videos, even riding horses. I grew up going to Ranger games and viewing them as nothing more than a social medium. My college boyfriend took me to several games and I would feel irritated at the extra innings, sitting there in the heat with sweat dripping down my knees.

However, slowly over time...sports have somehow crept their way into my life. I had several friends on the hockey team in high school...so I would go to hockey games and really enjoyed them. I remember back in 2007, sitting in my alternative teaching class and my teacher going on and on about the Dallas Mavericks. For some reason, when I got home that night I turned the game on...my roommate wasn't home that night and I think that was the first time I sat by myself and watched an entire sports event on TV. And from there, I was hooked on the Mavericks. I love watching basketball, but especially the home team.

Then there is now. Maybe its because the Rangers have never in my lifetime been this good...maybe its because God has consistently put not only Ranger fans, but Ranger crazy nut fans in my life...that maybe it just finally stuck this year? But I find myself watching the games on TV, even alone, hoping for the best for "our" guys. I'm still not someone that yells about this sort of thing, or pretends to know even basic statistics. But something does feel pretty exciting when they win. Not to mention my small crush on Nelson Cruz. He's probably a cliche player to favor but I'm okay with that. I mean just look at him. Combine that with his powerful home runs that save the day, and the fact that he is strong enough to even knock a ball that far. It's pretty great.

Anyways, life is still super busy right now. I need this to be my last year of coaching. I have no idea what the Lord has in store for me come June. I can't tell if this is a situation where I need to suck it up and feel lucky to have a job...or if its time to say enough is enough and pull myself out of this situation. Only time will tell. I suppose if the outlook is that coaching is my only option for staying at my school, then I should send my resume out to L.A., Austin, and surrounding Corinth areas and go from there. I've always felt like there are two choices when life hands me lemons...I can either stop bitching about it and learn to cope, or I can do something about it. What I CAN'T do, is wallow and continue to complain. That is a lose/lose situation. So for now, praying. Go Rangers.

So tired...

I went to bed at 9:30pm last night. I think I slept in one position until my alarm went off.
2 weeks ago had a lovely weekend celebrating Alayna's big 3-0. Last weekend I had a restful weekend in the country at the parents. This weekend: Vic's baby shower tonight, a ticket to Mute Math tomorrow night...but after that, no plans as of noon on Sunday(glorious)...and Monday off....the only reason to be thankful for Columbus.

While I enjoy a steady schedule, I don't like being this busy. I don't like when my life is filled to the brim with obligations and only sprinkled with fun. The price I pay for 3 months off I guess...just feel like life slips past me when its this busy though. Like I've got my finger on the fast forward button. I wish we didn't need money, and we could all just spend our time on earth doing only the things we love. Perhaps I'd be whining about something else if that were the case. Either way, 10:30pm on Friday night and I find myself ready for bed.

Goodnight moon.