So after I battled the flu for about the first 4 days of Spring break, my friend Dave flew in from Nashville and the fun could begin. We drove to Austin Thursday and stayed until Saturday experiencing all the carnage that is SXSW. It was fun, but I have to say, I decided a couple of things on this trip.
First of all, I think that just might be my last hoorah with SXSW. I've been the past 4 years in a row, and while I'm still trying to decipher whether it's age appropriate for me to concert-hop on spring break in a college town, I think the real reason to retire is that I am simply burned out. Which leads me to my next decision.
I believe God has somehow closed the door on my desire to move to Austin. I find difficulty in pinpointing an exact reason, or even boiling it down to one...but the last two times I have been to Austin, I look around and think to myself, "Why do I want to move here so bad? What does Austin have to offer that can't be found in visitation?" Sure it has the river, good food, and good music...but those are not things I would take part in on a daily basis, or possibly even a weekly basis. This factual idea comes from knowing myself too well. In a dream world I see myself living in a lovely loft downtown, riding my beach cruiser home from Whole Foods with a basket full of organic things to cook just after I take a little dip in the river with my personal kayak. This is a beautiful idea, but I know myself. I know I am too cheap and I willl more than likely live in a little shady dump, and by the time I got done with work I would just look forward to my frozen pizza and Tuesday TV night. Dallas has 3 full-sized lakes I can think of off the top of my head, several bike trails, and more 5k's than you can shake a stick at. If I really want to be outdoorsy on a regular basis, I just need to make more of an effort. Don't get me wrong though, if I ever HAD to move to Austin for any reason, I wouldn't hate it.
I have been so blessed with the friends I have in Austin to host me with weekends full of fun, but I have simply decided...I am fully okay with that town remaining as nothing more than a quick weekend getaway. Similar, in a different way, to Winnsboro.
I'm also becoming more okay with the idea of staying at my job for at least one more year, even as a coach. If I can get my GRE together in time, I might be able to start grad school in the fall and tell my principal that coaching will just have to make itself work around my grad school schedule. She cannot fault me or deny my right to further my education can she? I still daydream plenty about living in L.A. or using search associates to teach abroad for a couple of years...but I think with time and prayer, those doors will either open or close in the same way that Austin has. I can barely describe to you how much turmoil I've put my mind through trying to decide about moving to Austin, so you can imagine how freeing it is to simply, and all of a sudden, just have a PEACE about this closed door.
In other exciting news, I FINALLY ordered my Canon Rebel. Hoping to have some version of a photography business up and running in the next two years. Aaaaaaand, guess what color it is??? Did you guess??....it's....it's brown. I think it's so cute. It's a sleek chocolate color, but also fits pretty well with my surname.
That's all for now.
By the way, those of you that use twitter and like the Rangers...what the hell C.J. Wilson? Happy you are gone.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
No Sir
Feeling better today. Still snotty and coughy, but day 3 of no fever and I cleaned the whole house. Perhaps I have a little bit of cabin fever. I never intended to spend Spring Break inside my house. I need to buy a bridesmaid dress, baby/wedding shower gifts, have lunch with friends I barely see, workout every day, meet Julie's twins...thats what was supposed to happen this week. But instead I've been inside with daytime television and romantic comedies.
So there I was. Just about to write him a letter. Just about to apologize and send heartfelt regrets for cutting off communication because any communication is better than no communication right? And then, out of nowhere I stumbled upon a little quote from that book that was all the rage years ago. That book that I thought was so retarded, but now I'm pretty tempted to read it. I found these interesting...
“Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.”
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
“A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves”
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
“Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything
related to his feelings for you”
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
“Alone also means available for someone outstanding.”
― Greg Behrendt, It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy
So there I was. Just about to write him a letter. Just about to apologize and send heartfelt regrets for cutting off communication because any communication is better than no communication right? And then, out of nowhere I stumbled upon a little quote from that book that was all the rage years ago. That book that I thought was so retarded, but now I'm pretty tempted to read it. I found these interesting...
“Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.”
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
“A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves”
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
“Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything
related to his feelings for you”
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
“Alone also means available for someone outstanding.”
― Greg Behrendt, It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Nurse
Just thought I'd show you who's been taking care of me for the past 3 days.
Introducing...Dr.Charles Bates!
Introducing...Dr.Charles Bates!
Monday, March 12, 2012
This Year's Love
Shivering in bed with a fever for two days straight is not how I envisioned Spring Break looking this year. But, that's what has happened, and I'm really grateful I'm already off work this week and don't have to have a sub. I'm also glad I didn't already have some jet setting planned that I would need to cancel. Please pray for me though, the flu is NO fun, in fact, its pretty miserable. My fever began saturday morning, lasted through the weekend, and today when I woke up in a pool of my own sweat but feeling capable of a shower, I knew fever had finally broke. Today I feel like I had minimal to no fever. Still took it easy and rested and slept all day, and am just praying for improvement from here on out.
My roomate has been the greatest to me during this. Willing to go to the store, and make me a "sick chair" in the living room, renting movies...she's been awesome! Because of her job, she has plans to move before the year is out...and to be honest I've kind of been looking forward to a phase in my life where I get to experience living alone. I have ALWAYS lived with roomates. And all my roomates have always been awesome, no complaints there. But now I just wonder...what would I have done with this illness if I had been all alone and can't get out of bed? Who would I call? What would I do? Sickness has such away of rearranging priorities and surfacing what's important.
p.s. I'm watching the Bachelor right now because I like to lose brain cells...but here is a song from it that I had forgotten how much I love. And sort of true for anyone I end up dating this year :)
My roomate has been the greatest to me during this. Willing to go to the store, and make me a "sick chair" in the living room, renting movies...she's been awesome! Because of her job, she has plans to move before the year is out...and to be honest I've kind of been looking forward to a phase in my life where I get to experience living alone. I have ALWAYS lived with roomates. And all my roomates have always been awesome, no complaints there. But now I just wonder...what would I have done with this illness if I had been all alone and can't get out of bed? Who would I call? What would I do? Sickness has such away of rearranging priorities and surfacing what's important.
p.s. I'm watching the Bachelor right now because I like to lose brain cells...but here is a song from it that I had forgotten how much I love. And sort of true for anyone I end up dating this year :)
Friday, March 9, 2012
Self
"I hear addicts talk about the shakes and panic attacks and the highs and lows of resisting their habit, and to some degree I understand them because I have had habits of my own, but no drug is so powerful as the drug of self. No rut in the mind is so deep as the one that says I am the world, the world belongs to me, all people are characters in my play. There is no addiction so powerful as self-addiction." -Blue Like Jazz
Whining is natural for me, I realize that. I whine about my job, I whine about where I live, I whine about Jon giving up on me...or most men for that matter. I whine about circumstances, about my weight, about what he said she said. I do these out of envy, anger, distrust, entitlement, fear, insecurity, and lack of faith. My big desire is to weave my own life to be a movie in which I am the great and glorified star character.
And then....and then I come across something like an Invisible Children video. I see people using their time on Earth to love God and others more than themselves, and I think...what freedom!
Whining is natural for me, I realize that. I whine about my job, I whine about where I live, I whine about Jon giving up on me...or most men for that matter. I whine about circumstances, about my weight, about what he said she said. I do these out of envy, anger, distrust, entitlement, fear, insecurity, and lack of faith. My big desire is to weave my own life to be a movie in which I am the great and glorified star character.
And then....and then I come across something like an Invisible Children video. I see people using their time on Earth to love God and others more than themselves, and I think...what freedom!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Two Lives
There are two lives going on inside me. If you were to meet me in one setting, you would hardly recognize me in the other. You wouldn't even know the other side existed without my disclosure. I wish for these two lives to be dissected and reconciled to each other. Actually, while we are wishing, most of the time I wish I was a whole new person altogether. I wish I could rewrite the last 12yrs of my life with the knowledge I have now.
The first is my favorite version of myself. This is the part of me that thrives on adventure, and risk, and trusting God with my last dime. That sort of thing. The version that buys fresh produce and cooks meals. The version that spends more time outdoors than indoors. This version loves to run, bike, and swim with the sun on her skin. The version that has the time, energy, and rest to notice the world around her, to notice other people, to notice God. The creative version that loves to write, draw, take pictures, and build things. This version loves to meet and mingle with people, and hear all the stories she can from them. This version is strong and confident and couldn't care less about being single or babyless because she already has so much to explore each minute of each day. This is the summer break version. I feel so sad that this version only gets to fly free for two months out of a whole year.
The other part of me is a workaholic. The part that doesn't get home until 10:45pm after a track meet and is back at school before 8am the next morning. The part that eats frozen pizza for dinner because that's whats left. The part that spends 10hrs/day under flourescent lights and sometimes two hours/day in her car. This part can never catch up on to-do lists that carry over from week to week. This part often feels sick, fat, sleepy, weak, and highly irritable. This part blames and snaps at others. This part puts up with men who treat her poorly, and sometimes even longs for them. Do you know what this part got for Valentines Day this year? A lousy email that said something to the gist of, "I thought about sending you flowers, but I don't think you're worth it, nor do I actually want to be with you, so here is nothing but an email. There, that should make you feel special while everyone around you gets bouquet after bouquet from their husbands today." (I'm sure it was meant to sound differently, but that's what I heard when I read it. This was also recently followed with a "Gosh I miss you!" text. Guys always love me more in retrospect than present tense. This is a common theme throughout my love life.) This part is lonely and chained to her cage with shackels of excuses, for about 10 months every year.
My answer to this conundrum for a while now has been to move. To move away and start over with a clean slate and live life more fully. It is so easy for others to say, "So sell your house and go!". Others who will not be affected whatsoever by my bank account that sells this place or looks for a new job. It is also just as easy for others to shell out advice like, "You'll be just as unhappy anywhere else, so I don't even know why you talk about moving." Others who do not witness me cry myself to sleep sometimes because I often get this overwhelming feeling that I just don't BELONG here. I've not heard Jesus give me any relocation assignments, but I also cannot deny the everpresent, nagging, feeling that Denton County is no longer "home" for me.
Donald Miller is my favorite author. You've probably heard me say that a time or ten. I just feel that his words could so easily fit in my mouth. Let me try to use his thoughts to explain my feelings today...
"Leave. ...Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."
-Through Painted Deserts
"So you think you should go away?" he clarified.
"Yes."
"Where will you go?"
"America."
"America?" He looked confused.
"We are in America right now, Don." he looked confused.
"Yeah, I know. But there are other parts to America. I'd like to see the other parts. I was looking at a map the other day, you know, and Texas was sort of brown with some green, a few hills, and then there were other places that were more green with big lumpy mountains. I'd like to go to those places."
"Do you think God is out there somewhere? Out there in the lumpy places?"
"I think God is everywhere."
"Then why do you have to leave?"
"Because I can't be here anymore. I don't feel whole here. I feel, well, partly whole. Incomplete.Tired. It has nothing to do with this church; its all me. Something got crossed in the wires, and I became the person I should be an not the person I am. It feels like I should go back and get the person I am and bring him here to the person I should be. Are you following me at all? Do you know what I am talking about, about the green lumpy places?"
- Blue Like Jazz (look for movie out soon!)
Sometimes I just feel so trapped on this planet. Like what's the purpose? Why is it so important for me to be here 90+ years? Its obviously not to reproduce...so then what? To explain science to kids? To see pretty places? To organize a well-groomed bank account? To get my heart broken over and over until its like a mozaic sculpture? What's His reasonings?? If this is it, I think I'd rather be with Him.
Coughy and snotty and don't feel good this weekend.
Yours truly,
-C
The first is my favorite version of myself. This is the part of me that thrives on adventure, and risk, and trusting God with my last dime. That sort of thing. The version that buys fresh produce and cooks meals. The version that spends more time outdoors than indoors. This version loves to run, bike, and swim with the sun on her skin. The version that has the time, energy, and rest to notice the world around her, to notice other people, to notice God. The creative version that loves to write, draw, take pictures, and build things. This version loves to meet and mingle with people, and hear all the stories she can from them. This version is strong and confident and couldn't care less about being single or babyless because she already has so much to explore each minute of each day. This is the summer break version. I feel so sad that this version only gets to fly free for two months out of a whole year.
The other part of me is a workaholic. The part that doesn't get home until 10:45pm after a track meet and is back at school before 8am the next morning. The part that eats frozen pizza for dinner because that's whats left. The part that spends 10hrs/day under flourescent lights and sometimes two hours/day in her car. This part can never catch up on to-do lists that carry over from week to week. This part often feels sick, fat, sleepy, weak, and highly irritable. This part blames and snaps at others. This part puts up with men who treat her poorly, and sometimes even longs for them. Do you know what this part got for Valentines Day this year? A lousy email that said something to the gist of, "I thought about sending you flowers, but I don't think you're worth it, nor do I actually want to be with you, so here is nothing but an email. There, that should make you feel special while everyone around you gets bouquet after bouquet from their husbands today." (I'm sure it was meant to sound differently, but that's what I heard when I read it. This was also recently followed with a "Gosh I miss you!" text. Guys always love me more in retrospect than present tense. This is a common theme throughout my love life.) This part is lonely and chained to her cage with shackels of excuses, for about 10 months every year.
My answer to this conundrum for a while now has been to move. To move away and start over with a clean slate and live life more fully. It is so easy for others to say, "So sell your house and go!". Others who will not be affected whatsoever by my bank account that sells this place or looks for a new job. It is also just as easy for others to shell out advice like, "You'll be just as unhappy anywhere else, so I don't even know why you talk about moving." Others who do not witness me cry myself to sleep sometimes because I often get this overwhelming feeling that I just don't BELONG here. I've not heard Jesus give me any relocation assignments, but I also cannot deny the everpresent, nagging, feeling that Denton County is no longer "home" for me.
Donald Miller is my favorite author. You've probably heard me say that a time or ten. I just feel that his words could so easily fit in my mouth. Let me try to use his thoughts to explain my feelings today...
"Leave. ...Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don't worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."
-Through Painted Deserts
"So you think you should go away?" he clarified.
"Yes."
"Where will you go?"
"America."
"America?" He looked confused.
"We are in America right now, Don." he looked confused.
"Yeah, I know. But there are other parts to America. I'd like to see the other parts. I was looking at a map the other day, you know, and Texas was sort of brown with some green, a few hills, and then there were other places that were more green with big lumpy mountains. I'd like to go to those places."
"Do you think God is out there somewhere? Out there in the lumpy places?"
"I think God is everywhere."
"Then why do you have to leave?"
"Because I can't be here anymore. I don't feel whole here. I feel, well, partly whole. Incomplete.Tired. It has nothing to do with this church; its all me. Something got crossed in the wires, and I became the person I should be an not the person I am. It feels like I should go back and get the person I am and bring him here to the person I should be. Are you following me at all? Do you know what I am talking about, about the green lumpy places?"
- Blue Like Jazz (look for movie out soon!)
Sometimes I just feel so trapped on this planet. Like what's the purpose? Why is it so important for me to be here 90+ years? Its obviously not to reproduce...so then what? To explain science to kids? To see pretty places? To organize a well-groomed bank account? To get my heart broken over and over until its like a mozaic sculpture? What's His reasonings?? If this is it, I think I'd rather be with Him.
Coughy and snotty and don't feel good this weekend.
Yours truly,
-C
March Run
3/3- corner & back 8:25
5 p.ups + 10 s.ups
Weight: 143
3/5- corner & back 8:41
5 p.ups + 10 s.ups
3/19- 15min run w 8th Grade Girls
3/24- 5K
3/31- 5K
Still haven't reached my monthly goal, but an improvement from last month. Firefly 5K tonight with Alayna, where we run in the dark wearing glow sticks. Should be fun!!!
5 p.ups + 10 s.ups
Weight: 143
3/5- corner & back 8:41
5 p.ups + 10 s.ups
3/19- 15min run w 8th Grade Girls
3/24- 5K
3/31- 5K
Still haven't reached my monthly goal, but an improvement from last month. Firefly 5K tonight with Alayna, where we run in the dark wearing glow sticks. Should be fun!!!
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