29

Aaaand...now I'm 29. It would be terribly easy for me to get uber depressed about this number, being the last year of my twenties and all. Some of my friends have had their second kid already and I'm still as single as a dollar bill. I'm getting older and have done some fun things, but I can also get overwhelmed at all I HAVEN'T done by now, at this point in my life. However, when I was writing in my journal this morning something hit me. God has given me twenty nine whole years of a good life on this Earth, and here I am whining about what I don't have. I should be grateful to have made it this far. I should be grateful for the position He has put me in where my possibilities are seemingly endless. And, Lord...I am grateful.

So to celebrate the big 29, we actually did it ON December 28th this year. Sometimes, in the past we've celebrated it on other days to accommodate every one's holiday schedule...but my personal opinion is that is kind of dumb. We took the dart rail from the Frankford Station all the way to Deep Ellum and it was awesome. It took like 6 hours to get down there, but i really appreciated not having to drive and find parking in the rain. I will be using our new public transit more often, especially when the Garden Ridge station opens. Dart has stations right in front of Victory Park, and the West End, etc... This is definitely the way to go for Mavs games and such! And, it was only $4. Compare that to gas prices, and $10-20 parking and this is a much better deal.

We took the train down to Deep Ellum and only had to walk about a block to the Anvil Pub. This place just opened but I love it. Its got a dark, wooden, pub kind of atmosphere that I like with a really great soundtrack playing all the time. But the music isn't so loud that you can't hear your conversation. My sweet friends Teal, Michael, and Nikita came out for dinner! :)

 Shast and I had a lot of fun on the train. For some reason, we think its hilarious that the lady that comes over the speaker on the trains takes a long pause when she says, "This is the..........................green line". Like she forgot or something. (yes I know its a recording) But it was fun and reminiscent of all our train rides together in Oz. FYI, My eyes are forever extra squints in pictures now because my camera has 8 billion flashes before it actually takes a picture.

 A little later my brother showed up!!! I love hanging out with him in a different atmosphere than family. It's just kind of fun to realize we're both normal people with friends and outings. And the other guy in this picture is J.D. ...my...cousin? Sort of? I don't know. We're related by Angie.

 Shasta made me a cake! This was so nice. Some years I don't get cakes based on traveling situations or whatever. Since my birthday is at such an awkward time of year, I've just never really felt like birthdays were a big deal. So it's no big deal for me to not have parties or presents and things. But I'll tell ya...on the occasion that I DO get parties and cakes and presents...it feels really great. Even getting postings on my facebook makes me feel loved, isn't that silly?

When we got home Shasta put candles on the cake, and sang me happy birthday. She says, "what are you going to wish for?" as I filled my cheeks with air and closed my eyes, just about to blow out my candles when she says, "...world peace". It was hilarious. I guess you had to be there.

THEN, LAST night, on the 29th, my other roomie got home and Ashley came over for dinner. I love those girls. We had a great time eating together and talking. And she had brought ANOTHER cake and candles...awesome. And I had yet another realization as I was about to go for my second round of candles.

I like to put birthday candle wishes in with the likes of: catching bouquets at weddings, throwing coins in fountains, wishing on falling stars, and wearing the same socks to every softball game. In other words, its a fun thing to do, and in that moment you may even believe it has some sort of superstitious power...but then when the wish doesn't come true...you realize it was nothing more than superstition. Year after year, if I have a cake and candles, I think I usually spend my wish thinking about my dream man. But this year was different. This year I wished for contentment. I wished to soak up and remember every minute of that evening.

At 29 I've decided catching bouquets and wishing for men on birthday candles is a little ridiculous. I kind of feel like the world of men has had 29 years to get to know me, and decide if I'm a suitable helper or not. You either know or you don't at this point. And the couple of guys that were ever close to near the edge of proposal...well I botched those up somehow. So, I've decided 29 is the end of wishing and hoping and living "in waiting". God knows the desires of my heart, and He also knows what's best for me. So now I wish to be content. I wish for God to reveal to me constantly the secret of being content in all things, which is Christ alone. Philippians 4:12, 13

¹²I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and^(S) hunger, abundance and^(T) need. ¹³I can do all things^(U) through Him who strengthens me.

God has not promised me a husband, or health, or wealth, or happiness, or tomorrow, or success, or fame. God has only promised me Himself, that He'll walk with me in this life, living in joy for the next one, the better one.

Machines that get from A to B

When I was 16 my dad graciously bought me a '93 Mitsubishi Eclipse for $8000. I don't remember that thing having very many problems, and I drove it for 7 years until it died. When I graduated college I bought a used 2003 Saturn Vue for $13000. Over the last 5 years of ownership, I've put at minimum $3000 of "fixing" into that piece of crap and then it finally died, unexpectedly, this past Tuesday...so its sort of like I bought it for $16000 if you look at it that way. So now I have to car shop again. Some people like this sort of thing, but I don't. Most purchases, especially major ones, stress me out. We're talking about giving up a huge chunk of my hard earned money, for a necessity based on where I live...but I'd much rather spend that money on a trip or something. I would also prefer to not have to pay for electricity and taxes while we're at it.

So I've rented a car until Monday, to have the weekend to decide how to remedy my situation. Here are my options.

I could:

A) Move to a wonderful place like Australia that has public transport where I don't need a car
(but I happen to like my job and must at least finish out the year)

B) Buy a cheap used car that has lots of miles on it and will put me directly back into this same dilemma sooner than I would like
(but my Saturn experience has turned my blood into molten magma at the moment for used cars)

C) Buy a new Honda. Because Honda's are supposed to last forever and there are some pretty affordable deals out there on new cars at this time of year and in this economy.
(I swore to myself a long time ago that I would never buy a new car because that is what yuppies do...and I sir/madam am NO yuppie)

So the best options that I could find on my teeny, tiny schedule...over the CHRISTMAS holiday are the following:

Introducing the Honda Fit.

It's supposed to get 28/33 miles per gallon.

It's cheaper.

More room in there than you think, my 6'2 bro was comfortable in the back seat.

Only been on the market since 2007.

Has some kind of extra sport gear that I don't care about.

No sunroof. :( 

(I love sunroofs and use them often. I would drive a station wagon with wood trim if it had a sunroof and good transmission/gas mileage)

OR the Honda CRV.

It's supposed to get 21/28 miles per gallon.

Its a little more expensive.

I have friends with this car who love it.

They've been around for like 10 years with good reviews.

Sunroof. :)

SIX disc CD changer. (not necessary...but Awesome.)



So what to do friends? Looking at these pictures, I think the Fit looks more fun...but that might be because its shown here in red vs. the gray, which is more aesthetically pleasing. But both of these vehicles are available in black which is what I would like. I fully intend to drive whichever of these until it dies...because that's what I do...I take cars in like puppies and play with them for as many years as they have left in them. Perhaps I am known as the black widow to cars, and they shutter in fear when I roll on to a lot? Or maybe its more of a rescue situation. Like, "Thanks for taking me out of this parking lot where I sit all day and drive the same stretch of highway when teenagers stop by". Well cars, you're welcome. Now which one of you wants to go home with mama?

Hostel de Carisse y Shast

When I was making the decision as to what house to buy, I asked God if we could move into a place that would better house people that came to stay with us, than our tiny little addison apartment. He provided...and the last week and a half has proven that.

In college there were 7 of us girls that were besties...and no matter how far away people move, or the different places we're at in our lives...we're still best friends. I feel like I remember who I am, what I'm about, and my purpose in life seems to have a little more clarity around my girls. We've had plans for a while to all reunite this past weekend, and we had a fantastic time!

It all started when our 8th girlfriend, Tobias, got a job in Dallas and got to hang out with us a week prior to girls weekend! We finished the Sing Off, ate food that was bad for us, and laughed a lot! Jane and Ginny came Saturday night, Jess came Sunday and we met up with Rebekah and Micah at her new house! Did I mention Mikey is also ENGAGED! SOOO excited for her. We love Justin, welcome to our family! We went to church together...which was awesome because I remember what it felt like to sit in that church all by myself just 3 years ago. We caught up, we laughed, we played with Jess and Rebekah's babies, we ate, we chilled. I LOVE those girls, what a blessing. This is Shast and her nephew, isn't he cute?!!!

And just after we took Toby and Jane to the airport Tuesday, my bro and his family came in that night. They are SO sweet. Thankful to God for His timing...he let me get the Burges to the airport, on time, with no car problems, and just a couple hours later I tried going to the grocery store, got about a block and a half and then the Saturn transmission died forever. Stupid saturn. No wonder they shut down. So my sweet brother was nice enough to go car shopping with me yesterday to help me narrow my choices. So far, people have treated me like a customer with my brother by my side....and like a clueless 16yr. old when car browsing by myself.

R.I.P. Saturn...we've been through a lot of ups and downs together...

 

I got to spend some time at Kids Castle with my beautiful and ENERGETIC nieces, cook some real meals, and looking forward to seeing everyone at Christmas. I guess if I'm going to make photography a real hobby...then I need to actually start carrying my camera and taking pictures. I can't believe I didn't get any pics of ALL of us girls together this past weekend!!! But here's a few of my cutie pie nieces.

I think Hay looks like the godfather here....

"You talkin ta me?"

 "Yeah, you. ...You talkin ta me?"

Voluntarily trapped between her mommy's legs was a funny moment.

 ...that I actually caught on camera...

And then there's my pretty, pretty, princess...when we were playing on the swings at the park she leaned back at one point and said, "Auntie Carisse, I just love you so much." ...and thats when I melted like a vat of butter...and they had to scoop me up off the playground to get me home.

"Take a picture of meeee."

...and my favorite picture of all...

baby's so cuuuuute...

Making a decision monday morning on a new car. Praying God will lead me to what I need.

In other news, I finally finished the Hobbit that I started back in August. 300 pages. All at home on the shitter. Just started the Fellowship of the Ring today!

Drawrings

You would think the twenty minutes left AFTER everyone in the classroom has finished their semester exam is equal to one billion years. I've decided it's not a great idea to just tell kids to hang out with each other...because eighth graders have the attention span of a gnat and I need to remember that if I don't want to hear, "Miss I'm SOOOOO bored!", every three minutes...then I need to come up with some sort of quiet game to keep them entertained.

However, I have two girls in one of my classes who are capable of occupying themselves, and content to chat and doodle. Therefore, I shall award their creative artwork with a display on my beloved blog...that they will never see...because they are students and have no knowledge of my life outside that classroom.

This is a picture of me if I were a robot. I have no idea...we've not studied robots...but come to think of it, my nephew was talking about robots a lot at Thanksgiving...I suppose robots are the hip thing right now and am going to assume this drawing is a compliment? I know its me because in the bottom right corner there is a caption that reads, "thats you" with an arrow pointing to the character.You'll notice a scarf around my neck because I am perpetually cold and have worn a scarf, all day every day since outside temps have dropped below seventy degrees...while the kids continue to wear shorts. They drew a heart on the left side of my chest, which was sweet...I'm hoping that's because they know I love them, and not because of that one time I thought I was having heart palpatations in the middle of teaching. My glasses are square shaped and apparently my hair is thinning and shorter than I thought. My legs are stick thin, which is sweet, but I'm more concerned about the shape of my rectangular torso...my figure is definitely not what it used to be!

Love my kids!


[P.S. I've decided not to write any more about my personal drama with Nick. I'm certain you all are bored to tears of hearing about it anyway. He's really done nothing wrong, and probably doesn't deserve my persecution. I miss him...terribly...but we've made our choices and it is what it is. I do wish him well, and I still pray for him everyday. I hope he is happy and life is going great. I thought my life was over when Luke and I broke up and now we've ended up being friends. Who knows, perhaps Nick and I can do the same...after a little more crazy ex-girlfriend recovery on my end :) ]

The Sing Off!

Creep by Radiohead

Delete.

So I've been considering the idea of deleting my facebook. I have TWO friends who have taken the plunge to delete their facebook just in the last week. This is a super difficult decision though so here is my list of the pros and cons of facebook:

PROS
*Keeps me in touch with:
people from Australia and Haiti, kids I interned for, people I used to be close to that now live everywhere but here.

*Random encouragements from random people

*Allows me an easy and convenient way to send a little post-it to someone, like, "hey girl thanks for eating your weight in ice cream last night and crying your way through Steel Magnolias with me when i know you had better things to do!"...but facebook is public so I condense that to, "hey friend, thanks!"

*It's a sneaky way to get the inside scoop on a person I just met

*I can advertise anything that needs advertising, like if I were to start a business, or to need to buy or sell something, through the avenue of people I know.

*I can get free and quick advice from someone I know, whom I may have forgotten was a reliable source

*It's the most convenient way to invite people to a party, or be invited

*I've actually met a couple of people through facebook because they knew a friend of a friend and needed a place to stay or something

*It's a social norm these days just like everyone having their own cell phone, would I be an outcast without it? I mean I already am still without an ipod or the Internet attached to my phone, so do i really want to go full cave woman and cut this out too?

*I get to see current pictures of my little nieces almost daily because their parents are so good about posting them!

*I love taking pictures and sharing them. And I LOVE comments, getting to hear peoples reactions to those pictures.

*It's like reading People magazine about people I actually know.


CONS
-I'm addicted to it. Every time I get on a computer I check my hotmail, then my facebook, THEN I get to whatever reason I got on a computer in the first place. I don't like the feeling of addiction...to anything.

-I spend way too much time on it. How much more productive would I be if I didn't have it? Especially at work...

-What if I don't want to be your friend you weirdo? But it's polite that I accept your request to stalk me.

-I constantly get friend requests from my kiddos from school, and I feel like a huge jerk when I say no, and they don't understand that they are little walking lawsuits waiting to happen.

-What if the wrong person sees a picture of me with a beer in my hand and that causes them to somehow stumble or think I'm some sort of lush...when in reality I'm a ginormous featherweight that regulars about 2 drinks/week, if that.

-I think it robs people nowadays of GENUINE intimacy and friendship...I.E. you feel like your really close to someone because you look at their profile a lot, when in reality you haven't even spoken to them in years.

-I don't want to see that my ex-boyfriend just "checked in" some place with his new flavor of the month every 3 minutes. (though his deletion helped to nip that in the bud)

-It's a very vain concept that I feed into, putting pictures and things of myself on my page to somehow try and look as cool as possible

-Old people are now on it, and co-workers, whoever else I could possibly face scrutiny from...for example: when jesting among friends I might use a phrase like "kick some ass", but now that my mom and her friends are on facebook, I'm inclined to use a phrase less strong like "kick some booty"...which would in turn give my comment less umph!

-It unknowingly easily offends people, like if you don't reply fast enough, or don't comment here or there, or didn't notice this or that, etc...you might hear someone say, "well i posted that yesterday didn't you see??!!!!"...um no, I'm not working my way through every meal with a phone in my hand.

-Facebook keeps getting more and more exposing. In the beginning you had more control over what people saw, now everyone sees business all the time.

-I have the potential to create unwanted jealousy from girls who may be interested in a male friend of mine...so when I post a phrase like, "lets have dinner", on my side I'm thinking, "hooray i can't wait to catch up with my old buddy from childhood who is a nonsexual being to me because I was in his life pre-puberty"...and that girl might be thinking, "where is my knife?"

-Facebook changes their layout like every 60 days, and its annoying, and each new page is worse than the last.

-I don't like the separate levels of meaning that it holds for everyone, some people get real offended at the slightest comment or slack in response time...while others don't even check their facebook...ever.

-I can't stand cryptic status updates that say things like, "Some people are just [insert adjective]." And then I think, are they talking about me? Because we did just get into a fight so maybe they are talking about me? Should I ask them about it? If you've got something to say, say it to my face!

-It's like this super-big bitch move if you delete someone...even though you may have only met them one time, at some random event, and they tend to post things you don't care about. Or perhaps it's simply a healthy decision for me to delete certain people.



Perhaps I just need to figure out some self-control in this matter? Perhaps it is me who needs changing rather than just cutting off that hand? Perhaps I'll just take a break and reassess the situation much later?

My photography business needs a clever name.

When I was in high school I really wanted to take a photography class my senior year...but I was told I was too late and apparently I was supposed to have camped outside the sign up door the night before in order to get in. Fail.

In college as a freshman meeting with my advisor, right away when asked what I'd like to take for my art credit I said, "Photography please! Its my dream!". My advisor sounded like this was no problem so you can imagine my glee. Only later he came back and said, "sorry...ONLY communications majors get to take photography". Fail.

At some point I inherited my brother's old Pentax and began playing around with that. But it wasn't digital. A) Get with the times, and B) I didn't have money to play around with a hobby too much.

After college I finally bought myself a little digital Kodak camera so I would have something to capture my VERY FIRST time to California when I went to stay with Jane and Toby. That was in October 2006. I have no idea why I remember that. It cost $100 and I had to teach 4 extra spin classes that month in order to buy it.I loved it, that thing works awesome. Probably better than the Olympus I have now!

The problem with being a self-taught anything is that you need motivation...and in this particular hobby-case...a bit of money. So now I'm finally about to get my wish! I got myself 8 photography lessons for my birthday present to myself starting in January! I CANNOT WAIT!

Its just a regular digital camera class so I don't need to go buy a DSLR...yet. AND they teach you about Photo-shop and how to improve your pictures. Let's just face it...I enjoy being taught. Perhaps there's an element in there as to why I also enjoy teaching. I'm not a risk-taker when it comes to fooling around with expensive equipment...I'd rather know what I'm doing, and why and how, first. So I've got a beginner class, that will hopefully open the door for workshops and intern type things.

The above picture is some work from this girl in Louisiana, Kelly Moore. I LOVE her work. I stumbled upon her on face book one day. Once I find photographers, of any kind, on face book...I can spend hours just looking at their work.

I feel like I see pictures in my mind's eye all the time...but I'm frustrated that I can't work my contraption well enough to get that image out of my head and into a matted frame. Who knows? Perhaps I will be awful at this? I'm definitely not about to quit my day job...but if I'm good at this...it could be a perfect side business with all the time off teaching allows me.

Just another dream I'd like to see come true.

Don't Drop Your Arms

We had a guest speaker at church this morning. And he had a great quote to the best of my memory.

"God will take you where you did not intend to go, in order to produce in you, what you could not achieve on your own."

I like that. Beginning New Year's Resolutions early.

I love Psych

This is what I currently look forward to going home to.

*sigh* ...I wish he were real.

Photoriffic

Free time is SUCH a blessing. Especially in a world where people work too much. So I've been thinking a lot about how to spend my upcoming free-time. I think it was a pretty good idea to spend a few days in Nashville over this Thanksgiving break. But now I have 2 weeks at Christmas, 1 week in march, and about 8 weeks in the summer that I can do whatever with!!

One of the bazillion options I was looking at this summer was Oxford. I've always wanted to go to England, and even more so recently with Harry Potter and Mumford and Sons being on my brain. I've also always been interested in Ireland and Scotland! Did you know its less than $200 to fly round trip from London to Dublin?? So I was looking up Oxford University and pumped that they have plenty of "continuing education" courses in the summer for people just like me! People that like to learn, but don't want a degree, and maybe want to poke around London for a bit.

However, after sifting through all their available courses, the only one that really peaked my interest was one about Jane Austen's heroines. Which would be cool, but not sure how valuable that knowledge would be for me. I ALSO found an incredibly awesome Creative Writing class called "Effective Writing 3:Life Writing"!!! This one would have been amazeballs except for the fact that its the first 2 weeks in may (when im teaching) AND its already full.

So then I got to thinking...
I AM still interested in London...
I've also been wanting to take a photography class...
I've also always wanted to see Hawaii...
I also understand that media and film are kind of a big deal in Los Angeles...

hmmm perhaps I could use spring break or summer-time to take a photography class in one of these fun places? It would be something to do while I'm there, a way to meet people, and a great excuse for looking like a tourist with a camera growing out of my eyeball.

Or maybe I do just wanna find something here? People keep shoving camera books in my face, but I'm a pretty kinetic learner. I would rather pay someone to show me what the buttons mean, how lighting works, what photoshop is...than spend a lot of trial and error time figuring it out myself.
Well this certainly excites me! The sooner the better!

Odd to me

Maybe its just me...because things usually are...but i find it EXTREMELY WEIRD when people date their friend's ex's! Does anyone else think this completely goes against the friend code? I would never, ever, in a million years date a guy that Shasta had already dated...or ANY of my girlfriends ex's for that matter. It's just so strange to me. And how is that not weird for the ex?? How are you supposed to show up at parties and things and act completely cool when YOU used to be with the person your friend is now standing there snogging(h.potter reference) with?

A friend of my ex was calling me pretty often for a little bit, but I didn't take the bate, out of respect for my ex. And now I see that, in the past few months, my ex has dated not one, but TWO of his friends ex-girlfriends? Totally bizarre to me.

The bigger question here is, why do I care? ...and that's a very good question! I guess I shouldn't, I suppose I've given up every right to care. It's probably just loneliness around the holidays getting to me...or the feeling that I'm completely replaceable, and realizing more and more that he had no feelings for me specifically, I was just another female on his list...or in my eyes, the total injustice that he's been through girl after girl in the last 5 months since we broke up and I haven't been so much as taken on one date!!

UGH! TMI...I know...internet inappropriateness...

Sorry, but you were sadly mistaken if you think I would only post adventure pics on here and put up an eternal facade of positivity...I am, human after all.
Dear God, please get me out of this town.

Nashville

I like seeing new cities whenever possible. I love it actually. And, I find it best to visit friends as a means of travel, see how they live and their town through their eyes. So I went to see my friend Dave. He was always such a positive force in my life during college, and we had a great time catching up.

As soon as I got there we went straight to karaoke where I finally got to try out my idea of Hall & Oates. I got to meet all of his friends from church the next day at a huge thanksgiving meal, and after, we walked off our food around Radner Lake. Got to see Jack White's neighborhood as well!



The next day we drove to Lynchberg and ate at Miss Mary Bobos. Which is a fantastic homestyle restaurant inside this old boarding house that supposedly Jack Daniel used to eat his lunch at daily. I was so full!



We visited the Jack Daniel's distillery...





Went to a place called The Mercy Lounge which ended up having an awesome 90's grunge night. Super fun. Woke up the next morning and ate at the Pancake Pantry and walked around town before I got on the plane.



I had a really great time on this trip. It's good to be around such sweet and generous people. It's good to have conversations with someone so relateable as Dave. It's good to be in such a pretty landscape. It's good to see places unfamiliar.

And, as much of a blast as I had in my short trip there...I'm afraid I can cross Nashville off my list of places to move. I feel like if I ever get out of Dallas, I need to try some place different, than here. I guess that's why L.A. is still in the #1 spot for me. Austin is still high on my list as well...but if I'm going for different...I might as well go all the way.

Talent Show

One of the items on my bucketlist is to perform music infront of a live audience. Up until now the only people who have heard me play my guitar are my music teachers, my roomates in college, and an ex-boyfriend. It just a fear I want to conquer to see if I can do it. I could go to an open mic night...OR I could perform in our school's TALENT SHOW at the end of the year. I'm very much toying with the idea.

The problem is finding a song. What is a dumbed down version of a recognizible song I could play, in front of 500 students? Now these are urban pre-teens so with that knowledge right there we can eliminate anything country, anything inappropriate for children, and anything slow and depressing.

I've been listening to the radio a lot lately, trying to find a current pop song I could play acoustically for fun, and from a girl (me) perspective. The problem is that all the pop songs out right now are smut.

So far, the best I've come up with is Michael Jackson's "Beat It". They love Michael Jackson...wonder if I could pull it off?

I NOW OPEN THE FLOOR FOR SUGGESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tickets

It all started after a long day at work when I came home and Shasta said, "Do you want a surprise that you'll love?"
Well of course, who doesn't. She then explained to me that some liquor reps had given her manager several concert tickets, two of which were Mumford & Sons that he'd never heard of. She then explained that she was unable to attend because of her nephew's birthday party...so being the selfless person that she is, she gave them to me. I quickly called Darby, who introduced me to this band, and then proceeded to count down the days until I got to go!

I would assume that the level of excitement I hold for a couple of great, FREE concert tickets...is equivalent to the excitement a Ranger fan would feel for World Series tickets.



Darby and I were joking around with the man outside of House of Blues about checking our I.D's. Only a few minutes later, as we were standing in line to go in, that same man did the sweetest favor ever. He came up to us and said, "You girls come with me."

Scared we had done something wrong, we left the line and went with him. And, he sent us to the VIP lounge, with VIP bracelets! It was wonderful. We otherwise would have been standing like sardines next to the stage for an hour before the opening band went on. But, instead, because of this man's kindness, we got to sit on beautiful couches and drink cocktails and eat good food. Sweet!




I hate typing posts after the fact because I often forget my emotional richter scale. However, let me just say that Mumford & Sons are WONDERFUL, in every way. Lyrics, music, stage presence, humility. LOVED THEM.

7:08am on a Tuesday

Some days I feel like this.

Sample Platter

Academic is not a word I would use to describe myself. I also wouldn't use terms like Athlete, Spontaneous, Laid-Back, or Coordinated. But, one positive I am willing to give myself is that 80% of the time, I'm willing to try it, whatever it is. Now I may not be good at it, but I'll give it a go.

My parents never made me stick with anything. I view this as a double-edged sword. While I think it was a good idea on their part (because i probably would have thrown a kicking tantrum and cost them years of wasted money), if I didn't like something, I could usually quit with nothing more than a disappointed look. Except for quitting Volleyball, dad was mad about that. I do not advocate parents who make their kids participate in sports and instruments they have no passion for. And at the same time...BECAUSE I never stuck with anything, I find myself completely AVERAGE at everything.

I never stuck around to see if I could get better. Rather than shooting 1000 free throws until I got the hang of it, I would shoot about 25 free throws, be frustrated with the 3 or 4 that went in, and then go inside and allow distraction with cleaning my room or eating Popsicles. Sometimes I wonder if this mentality has spilled over into the rest of my life. I do enough to get by, but rarely go above and beyond.

I was asking advice from my older brother the other day and he asked me a simple question that I couldn't answer and have thought about ever since.
"What are your LONG-term goals?"

Hmmm. That's a good question because I don't think I have any. If I'm being completely honest about what I hope to get out of life long-term...well I hope I'm happy and healthy, and live an adventure-filled life with no regrets that make a lot of good stories for when I get old and spend my time snapping peas in my rocking chair. That's the honest truth. There's no one thing I aspire to "be" outside of that.

All of my physical goals are short-term. And, some of those I have to ask myself to be honest about them. I've had this idea to go to graduate school in my head for education. But when I reeeeally think about it...why would I do that? I don't even like school? Not that I've done the research...but so far I've only found ONE program that looks absolutely interesting...and that's at Oxford...and people who get into Oxford wore pretty little ropes around their necks when they walked the stage to get receive their summa cum laude Bachelors certificates. I graduated Kinesiology after 4.5yrs with a 2.87 GPA. I'm guessing I'm not what they're looking for. And do I honestly even want to spend time in school again? Have I forgotten what it was like? I feel like I spent a lot of time performing a series of tasks to get me a piece of paper that would allow the real world to consider me.

I don't feel like I learned a ton about health and muscles during my bachelors, but I was willing to try Personal Training, and job experience and seminars taught me a LOT. My alternative teaching program was a joke and I was completely unprepared going into baptism by fire during my first year. Everything I know about teaching I've learned from trial and error, and other teachers. So honestly WHY do I want a masters degree? My long term goals right now are simply to be an INCREDIBLE, Freedom Writers kind of teacher. And it came to me when I was listening in church this morning. I only want that piece of paper because of how it will make me look. There is status for people who have masters degrees (but I know a few who have 'em, and they don't know that much more about teaching than i do). It's a piece of paper that will look nice on my resume and make other people think I know what I'm doing. That's no reason to spend thousands and thousands of dollars and hours of my life on something. I could go spend the summer with teachers in Africa and put that on my resume. That would look good too I think...but the difference is, I would actually WANT to spend time doing something like that. Not more school. Perhaps if I found a program that had a bunch of courses that perked my ears up I would think differently about grad school. I guess its time to research.

So I think my bro is right. I think I should throw my idea of quitting my job to go to grad school in California in the can. I LIKE teaching. I WANT to teach. Wherever I live (Cali and Austin are top two in the running) I want to be teaching. On frustrating days, I often ask myself, "What would I be doing if I wasn't a teacher?", because sometimes I get jealous of people who don't work 10hrs/day, sometimes I wish I could have an hour for lunch, sometimes I wish I only worked with adults. But no, since the travel channel isn't hiring any show hosts, and I'm not business savvy enough to open my own bar, or talented enough to be a rock star, then nope...I can't think of any other career I'd like to pursue. In a way, I'm already living out my long-term goal. God already gave it to me!

Short-term goals:
LIVE in another state for a time, preferably near a beach
Take photography classes and run a small side business
Bike around Ireland
Israel for the intense Bible study course
Become fluent in Spanish
Work with teachers in an underdeveloped country
See Connecticut when the Fall leaves are changing
Greece
Get out of coaching and just teach
Teach High School
Remember to send presents for my nephew/nieces birthdays
Cook a real dinner once/week
Ride in a hot air balloon
All these plus more I have floating around in other journals.

These are all ideas that put me on the edge of my seat. These are the ideas that I want to use for growth. I guess my restlessness to quit Dallas and move on will have to wait another 1.5 years that I've committed to this house (Talked to both a CPA and the IRS). Who knows? Maybe it will be good for me to stick with something a little longer than planned.



This is a pic of Darby and me at Austin City Limits. Sometimes I have pics and blogs ready to go in my head, and then never get around to posting them. Mumford and Sons this Thursday!

heeey brother

I got some free Mavs tickets from this NBA 101 for women thing that I went to. I took my brother and we had a blast. He bought me an awesome dinner, we sat with my friend Rosie and her hubby, Mavs won...it was a really good night for us...now about work in the morning....booooooo!

Not all my ex's live in Texas

I've been bombarded with ex's a lot lately. It's eerie. Two weeks ago, I had a flat tire, I pull over to the side of the road and open my trusty car safety kit (thanks dad), and there they are...these funny flip flops from my past that made me laugh out loud. Let me explain...for some reason, a LONG time ago, my ex was given these flip flops. And he asked me if I wanted them, I kindly declined, and found them hidden in my closet the next day. I snuck them into some sort of crevice at his place after that, and so began the war...that went on for YEARS. It was funny everytime though, never knowing when and if these things would pop up.



But it doesn't stop there with the ex's. I actually got a voicemail from one last weekend, and randomly saw a picture of another one at work today on a cell phone. Whats next?

Timing can mean a lot can't it? Timing matters a lot in sports. If the ball hits the mit one milisecond late it's safe, one milisecond early and its an out. I drive by wrecks on the highway and wonder what I would have seen if I have left school a half an hour earlier. If you bring chicken out of the oven too early or too late, then you've just got a pile of gross. "If I had known then what I know now"...then I wouldn't have had a chance to become the person I did from said experience.

Everything is made beautiful in it's time. I think it's neat that flowers can't be rushed to open. They open when God tells them to. This is going to sound strange, but I actually remember hearing some words of wisdom come from the mouth of Matthew McConaughey! He was in an interview and someone asked him if he was going to marry whatever girl he was seeing at the time. And, I remember him talking about timing. He said, "Its got to be the right person you know, at the right time. Sometimes you can have the right person, and be in the wrong time. Sometimes you can be all ready for a relationship, and be with the wrong person."

In my experience, I believe this to be true. If I look into my own inventory I can see truth in this. Who knows who reads this thing? So just know that I do not mean to stir anything up by writing this analysis...but rather, think my thoughts out through typing.

High School Sweetheart.
He was my first love. I was head over heels for him, but being in love was brand new for me. I hadn't known love before, and when you don't know what to expect, you can often take things for granted. Its kind of like if the first hotel you ever stayed in was the "W"...well then you might think thats just how all hotels are. I was so young...I was too young I think to know how to handle someone who knew me so well, and treated me so good. I let that slip through my fingers because I thought he'd always be around. And by the time I made up my mind...it was too late. Took me years to get over. He could have been the right person, but our timing was too early and he's married now...therefore God did not choose him for me.

President Emeritus.
He was such a surprise in college. I didn't think someone like him would ever be interested in someone like me. We took our time. We got to be really close friends before we made any declarations. And, when we finally did, it was easy! I didn't look at other guys, I didn't even think about it. He introduced me to reading, made me analyze my life more than I had before, he made me laugh like nobody else. I felt right at home with him. And then, something inexplicable happened in our relationship. To this day I still can't pinpoint it. He left town for Christmas, and came back acting different with me. I speculate it was the wedding he went to...my guess is that hit him. Though we had never mentioned any serious futures together, I think he got scared and wasn't ready for that possibility with me. Who knows? Maybe I'm way off. But he lost interest in me. I was the same person in the end that I was in the beginning, but he lost interest. 5 years later, when he wanted another chance...I wasn't in a place to deal with that. I had just started my new career, he had just left his. I couldn't tell if it was actually me he wanted or the comfort of familiarity. I was scared he would lose interest again, so I closed the door. He could have been the right man...but our timing was off, and I guess God did not choose him for me.

Mr.100%
There was a very short, but worth mentioning, stint with Mr.100%. This guy treated me well, bought me flowers, took me out, endless compliments. But it was all too fast for me. I was so used to growing a friendship for about a year before allowing a move to be made. And this guy was a 100%, all the time, about everything. I think that kind of passion is what drew me to him. I wanted to be around that kind of zeal, it was addicting, and at the same time, scary. He had a short temper that I had seen before growing up, and I felt like I had to decide on our first date if I wanted to marry him or something. The first time we were ever even alone together I remember getting in my car and him standing outside my window saying, "So, what do ya think?". About what? About us? My thoughts actually were, "I barely know you and i can't tell yet if you'll hurt me or love me". But instead I think I just winked and drove away. The timing could have been there, but there were too many red flags for me to sort through, and I felt rushed. And, for some reason, I never had a peaceful feeling about the idea of us. Sometimes I still find myself sitting on that same fence wondering if it could work or not. I can't explain it, but I do believe God created instinct and intuition that I can't ignore. Part of me wishes I had given that a real shot, and find out if my intuition held any truth.

Opposites Attract.
Well I've already blogged about the details of this one. We were only friends for quite a while, and then one day, my head just said, "Maybe?", and we tried it out. He was patient with me, and waited for me to exit my indecision. He was wonderful in a thousand ways. But we weren't right for each other. I think if we could both be hypothetically married in a fictional world for one year...we would both be able to see that. We want different things. And, how long can 2 people be together and want different things before one of them is forced to compromise? I didn't want to find out. I have to believe that God knows what He's doing. But I do miss this one most of all.

So, here I am single again. I think its safe to say I don't have a type. Most of these guys dont have anything in common, and honestly I'm not even sure they would be natural friends with each other. Do I miss them because I often feel alone, and the weight of my hopeless lovelife? Or do I actually miss them as individuals? I wonder, I judge myself, I criticize and analyze my actions to death sometimes. I'm well aware that I am no princess myself. I have my own faults and flaws that were no picnic for them. I made choices that lead to consequences. I made BIG mistakes. But, I also learned something from each of them about love, and life. I feel like I understand now, more than ever, what I want, and what I can offer.

I don't know that my Prince Charming even exists. And, most of the time I wonder if he already showed up, but I was to clutsy, naive, and self-absorbed to recognize him? I don't know that God will ever allow me to experience marriage...but I DO know that God's timing is not my timing, His ways are not my ways. I know that He is perfect, and amidst my worrisome mind, all my flaws, and terrible decision making...He chooses when each flower on Earth opens. Surely He can handle my love life.

Find your legs and go...

I have tickets to see Ray LaMontagne! He's changed his look a little since the last time I saw him in jeans and a flannel shirt, but his music is just as good. This is my favorite song from his new album. Maybe its because I can relate to it so much...except I'm a lady not a young man...and I don't steal things. Enjoy!





So your home town's bringing you down
Are you drowing in the small talk
and the chatter

Or you gonna step into line like your daddy done
Punching the time and climbing lifes long ladder
You've been howling at the moon like a slack-jawed fool
And breaking every rule they can throw on
But one of these days it's gonna be right soon
You'll find your legs and go and stay gone

Young man full of big plans and thinking about tomorrow
Young man going to make a stand
You beg, steal you borrow
You beg you steal you borrow

Well all the friends that you knew in school
They used to be so cool, now they just bore you

Well look at them now, already pulling the plow
So quick to take to grain like some old mule

Young man full of big plans and thinking about tomorrow
Young man going to make a stand
You beg, steal, you borrow
You beg, you steal, you borrow

Dreaming of the day
You're gonna pack your bags
Put the miles away
Oh, just grab your girl and go
Where no one knows you
What will all the old folks say?

So the home town's bringing you down
Are you drowning in the small talk and the chatter?
Or you gonna step into line like your daddy done
Punching the time and driving lifes long ladder

Young man full of big plans and thinking about tomorrow
Young man going to make a stand
You beg, steal you borrow
You beg you steal you borrow

Moon

I took a picture of the moon for you tonight! But sadly, its not the above picture. I stole that from google images. I did take a picture of the full moon tonight, but it just looks like a tiny white dot. My camera provided no justice for the way the moons light glow over the whole sky, with big beautiful thunderstorms dazzling lighting just south of here. I LOOOOVE the sky at night. I don't get to see it much. But, I feel like I was meant to be outside more than I already am. I LOVE being outside. There is such freedom and connection out there. And at the same time, I feel such a ditachment form nature being inside, under flourecent lights 55hrs/week. It's not good for my restless soul to be inside so much of my life. I think I need a camping trip or something. I could stare at stars for hours. Hours and hours. I could stare at clouds too, but stars are easier on the eyes and I love the calm of night time. If you have the chance to be outside this week, take it.

Extrinsic

If I ever go to grad school I'm going to write a paper that takes a long time to say this...

KIDS ARE EXTRINSICALLY MOTIVATED!

Now, I'd have to do some research. And, I will have to keep my eyes and ears open from now on to see if its true...but yes, I'm pretty sure that is a true statement in ALL circumstances. There is a lot of controversy at our school right now because they are trying to eliminate necessary items in the grading system such as due dates, formative grades, conduct and effort being wrapped in the one single "grade" they get for completing a class. From what I can tell, this idea began with a book written by a Canadian man who had never taught outside Canada and Australia. Perhaps I am wrong, as I have never been to Canada and have limited experience with Australia...but aren't those predominantly white, affluent, countries with little to no immigration issues, or massive economic gaps? I would love to see that man's Utopian ideals succeed in the world I teach in...perhaps I am about to. Doubtful though.

The idea is that kid will perform daily tasks as nothing more than "practice" for their summative tests. Daily tasks will not be graded, but supposedly kids will be so eager to do well on their big tests, that they'll be willing to do endless amounts of ungraded work that I ask of them in order to prepare their minds for summatives. Excuse me? Have you met kids? Have you ever spent time with them? Have you met humans in general for that matter?

Kids work for treats the way puppies do. I ask a question about protons and you can hear crickets chirping in the background alongside heavy breathing that hasn't quite developed into a full fledged snore. I retrieve a bucket of candy from behind my desk, ask the same question, and all hands go up. I ask kids to complete a worksheet on balancing chemical equations and they stare at the cieling and paint their nails with highlighters...I make a board race of it, boys vs. girls, and they all begin to yell out answers. I can't tell you how many times a day I hear, "Is this for a grade?". Kids all over our nation get paid dollars for report card A's. They are bought games and ipods for mowing the lawn. They remain ungrounded if they make their bed. They suddenly start diving for volleyballs if threatened with suicides. I remember having no problem sitting up straight and being quiet in church the minute my mom said, "Do we need to go outside?" (code for spanking). My 7th grade volleyball C-team lost their first three games, so 3 weeks ago I promised my them if they won I'd bring donuts the next morning...they've since won their last 3 games in a row. Kids need OUTSIDE motivation to do things. Now, this is not always in the form of bribery. I believe kids often perform tasks for glory, honor, attention from you or an audience, etc... But i think its few and far between that you'll find a kid who wants to learn, simply to learn...with no alternate agenda, without stirring up something or devising a plan in their basement.

And we could talk about the starving kids in Africa who walk 4 miles every morning to attend school because they are so eager to learn. Are they? I don't know, I haven't met them yet. But my guess is they are hoping to eat well and they are fully aware that education is the ticket to a better life for them. I would be very curious to know the level of discipline problems in 3rd world schools. Or how many assignments "go missing". I wonder how many "behavior intervention plans" kids are on in underdeveloped countries? This is a question I would love to find the answer to. Perhaps in Guatemala with my church this summer? Perhaps I'll send in an application to Invisible Children and go see for myself?

And what motivates you as an adult? How many people hate their jobs but continue to go everyday to keep their extrinsic paychecks coming? How many adults save their pennies for a sports car so that everyone will look at them and say "hey you're cool, you have a sports car!". I don't feel that I was ever that curious about learning for the sake of learning until maybe my later years in college? Even then, its was probably to lead me to a better grade or job, or not feel left out in social conversations.

It would be a real miracle if I knew how to get kids to desire learning about atoms and electron clouds with as much zeal as they have to conquer Modern Warfare II. But I haven't figured out how to do that. And you know what? Socially, its not cool to know about atoms, its cool to be the kid in your posse of friends that can win video games quickly. Extrinsic Motivation. Glory. Power. I often wonder if my job isn't so much to create a "joy of learning"...as much as it is to come up with fun ways to "trick them into learning".

Kids like games, competition, rewards, attention. They get excited when I get excited. Sometimes all I have to do is raise my eyebrows/voice one octave, smile, and they perk up and listen. (also similar to pups). I think, the sooner all these adults that get PHD's and write books actually start spending lots of time with kids, asking them questions, getting to know them and their motivations, finding out what stirs them up...then the sooner we'll actually implement policies that make sense.

Move

This is a band new to me that opened for my friend Ryan in "Smile Smile" this weekend. They are called "Air Review" and I love them, and they're awesome, and they're from here!

In other news, I'm seriously thinking about moving out of the metroplex. And yes, I do dream of this often with my heavy case of wanderlust. But i've lived here my whole life with the tiny exception of 5 years in abilene (still texas), and a few months in Oz. I think its just too familiar to me and I need to explore. Someone recently said to me, "...I guess a truly happy person can be happy anywhere?". And don't get me wrong, its not that I'm unhappy. I like my life here. I have great friends and a good job and a nice house. It's hard to explain, but I just kind of feel like it might be time to move on. Not at all that I'm unhappy, more like...I feel my curiosity of living away from here growing.

I dont even know where I would go. I tell foreigners all the time that Austin is my favorite town in Texas...so how come I don't live there? Sometimes I wonder if I might really enjoy it there. Its still in Texas so it fits with my teaching certification already. I have several friends that live there. Their live music scene is huge? I love the atmosphere and all the outdoor opportunities there. Or what about california? I know I wouldn't want to raise kids there so isn't that sort of a now or never kind of place? I feel like I grow a lot from being around Jane and Toby. Perhaps somewhere like Portland just to try it out? Or anywhere along the west coast really?

I just dont want to ever be the person that "wonders what it would be like" if I can help it. I want to be the person that does it and has stories to show for it. My super short stint in Australia is one of the best decisions I've ever made to date. Maybe its time for another?

I DO feel stuck here for about another 1.5 years. Maybe thats where all of this is coming from, the feeling of entrapment. But I chose to buy this house, and the government gave me $8000 for FREE just for doing that. So i took that money and paid off my car, and bought a refrigerator, and painted my house inside and out, and went to Asia. So that money is gone. All I had to do was buy a house and committ to living in it as my primary residence for three years. And no, money is not that important, but it is nice to have some to spend how I choose. And I feel that it would be silly and frivolous to pay the government $8000 back, just so I can move one year early.

Lots to think about. I'm just not sure if I want to be thirty years old, in my home town, with roomates, and a thirty minute commute to work.

The New Old Testament

So I've been interested in the Old Testament lately. My friend John gave me a book called "Epic of Eden" by Sarah Richter. It's really good so far and now is a great time to start reading it because I ALSO just started this Bible study at church about Genesis. Should get some good thoughts from these soon!

#6...Finally read the Bible from cover to cover.

On an unrelated topic I've been sick for about a week now. YUCK! I thought it was just allergies, but its kind of lingering and a week later, I'm still a huge coughing ball of snot and my man-voice is barely holding it together with tape and glue. Is this normal for allergies? I'm not usually an allergies-affected kind of person. They wouldn't even let me give blood at school today. Probably because they couldn't determine my gender...since my hair is curled and pinned like a female, but my voice sounds like the dying version of Dumbledore, and in their confusuion as to what part of the animal kingdom I belong to, they simply thought it easier to turn me away.
...or maybe they just dont want sick people blood?

I wish I had some sort of funny story to share with you. I feel like my life used to be full of those. However, right now my life is composed of mucho work and minimal free-time that mostly involves listening to other people's really funny and interesting, current life stories.

THANK YOU Jesus for Fridays.

Ambitions

So...Zambia fell through...for a multitude of reasons. It's ok though. Sometimes i wonder if God puts decisions before us just to see what we would say? Or maybe He's leading me to just start thinking about working with teachers in undeveloped countries? who knows?

On a different note, i went to a teacher training all day yesterday and had a volleyball game last night. This was the best training I have been to. It made me really excited about being a teacher...and when i noticed I didn't get to go home at 3pm like everyone else, but had to go back to the school and coach until 9pm...I realized a few things.

First, this utterly reinforced the notion that I have NO desire to be a coach. Whatsoever. I DO enjoy training people athletically. Thats why I majored in Kinesiology. I DO enjoy that I don't need a lesson plan for 1st and 7th period athletics everyday. I DO enjoy that I get to know a handful of girls each year on a deeper level than other teachers. However, that is where the perks end. The CONS list is unmentionably lengthy.

Most people start as middle school coaches because they are trying to get their foot in the door to become a high school coach. Not this girl! I took the coaching gig to gain a job. I want to be a GREAT teacher! Like Dead Poets Society Great. Like Freedom Writers Great. Like make a difference GREAT! I don't want to go into Admin or counseling. I just want to be teacher of the year and have my kids intellects through the roof. I want to possibly get a masters degree in Curriculum Design and use that to help teachers be better teachers...once I figure out how to do that myself. I want to have experience teaching various subjects and grades!

I've also been looking into photography classes. There are a lot of ways I could use that. I've had this dream for a long time to start a travel magazine that people like myself would read. Have you ever read a travel magazine? They suck, and are for rich people, and their articles could be written by high schoolers. I also wouldn't mind dabbling in some wedding photography? Or learning how to be good at action photography. Candid photography.

And maybe I've been watching too much L.A. Ink, but lately I've really been wanting to learn how to draw well. Like portraits. I've always been pretty good at copying stuff, and mom always told me I should do something with art. So I've also entertained the notion of starting a small greeting card business on the side. I think of them all the time, with pictures I take and ideas in my head.

Maybe its my right brain on overdrive...but i feel the need to create.

Wow this is nothing but ramblings today.

Secondsies

I think it makes the most since to try to find clothes for myself at vintage/consignment/second hand shops. I've been wearing hand-me-downs for ages already. Plus i think it makes shopping easier. Prices are what I expect them to be because I dont believe a dress should cost $50, I think it should cost about $10, which what you can pay at used clothing stores. Also, I don't do well with lots of choices. With used clothing...there is a small section of clothing designated for my size...so if its cute...AND it fits...AND the price is right, less choices make for easier decisions. Also the joy of there being new and different things each time I enter the store. I begin this ideal tomorrow.

#5...Buy all clothes previously owned, if possible.
(with the exception of swimsuits, socks, and underpants!)

Ok Go

I'm thankful for friends like Shasta, who know how to encourage me in my faith. Here is a passage she merely pointed to, and laid in front of me while I was on the phone.

"I remember when I was first preparing to go to Sudan, a nation impoverished by years of civil war. The trip was going to cost me around $3000. It wasn't easy to travel into Sudan since they were still at war, and we would have to charter a plane and spend a few extra days to make that happen. I remember one dear lady in the church coming up to me and asking, 'Why don't you just send the three thousand dollars to the people in Sudan? Wouldn't that be a better use of money than your spending a week and a half with them? Think of how far that money could go.'
I wrestled with that question. Was I wasting these funds in order to go when I could simply give the money instead? Should I even be going? I continued wrestling with that question until I got to Sudan. There I had a conversation with Andrew that shed some light on the question.
Andrew was sharing with me about his life in Sudan over the last twenty years. He had known war since he was born, and he described facets of the suffering and persecution his people had been through. He told me about the various groups, most of them secular or government organizations, who had brought supplies to them during that time, and he expressed thanks for the generosity of so many people.
But then he looked at me and asked, 'Even in light of all these things that people have given us, do you want to know how you can tell who a true brother is?'
I leaned forward and asked, 'How?'
He responded, 'A true brother comes to be with you in your time of need.' Then he looked me in the eye and said, 'David, you are a true brother. Thanks for coming to be with us.'"

...my preacher always says, "You can go, or you can send, but you can't do neither".

...and mom, of course I'm scared. You think I'm not, but I still get afraid on trips. Even after all the taking care of me God has done. But i know that His ways are not my ways. And all the scary things my mind can dream up like plane crashes, and sickness, and being stranded. Those all abide inside the Will of God. He knows what He is doing and He can choose to protect me just as easy as He could choose to allow those things to happen.

And I was just complaining the other day how I'm young and single and healthy and I don't know why God has me in the suburbs in TEXAS. But what good is having that liberty if I don't use it?

I think this is a good opportunity. I would be honored to have your support in prayer.